Of a hero's scars
by Angmarluna
Summary: Three years after the victory in London, Shepard wasn't exactly enjoying his role as a hero. Ever since the destruction of the Reapers, he had been kept as a prisoner. An old friend busted him out of the facility, taken him by surprise, when he was sent on a mission again. Driven by his will to see his beloved one again, he travels back to Earth. Once again, it's up to Shepard to p
1. Prologue

**_Prologue: The Dream_**

_ A weak man in bloody cloths stood in front of me, talking to a child. I could hear their voices whispering. Looking down to the metal floor beneath my feet, seeing the reflection of the battle going on above us, I realized why I was there. _

_I was standing on the Crucible again. _

_ I tried to walk along the runway of doom and stop the other me from making the wrong decision, but I couldn't. My voice was taken from me and my body obeyed another force. I couldn't move. I knew, the other me could not hear me, but I still yelled. It felt like yelling under water, numb and mute. _

_ The other me, hurt, injured and beaten, slowly trembled down the road towards the right path. I've been there before. I can remember that moment. The hatred in my mind and the violence in my heart blinded me. I felt betrayed, lied to and worse, there was no more hope for me. I remember the wrath I felt, when I draw my pistol and pulled the trigger. I cried inside when the bullet hit the engine. I knew, I will never see my beloved ones again. There was no hope for me. I was about to die, I was meant to die and when I do, I wanted to take the god damned Reapers with me. The memory of that moment was burned into my head so deep I'll never forget it. _

_ I watched the other Shepard reached out his hand for his weapon. I wanted to stop him, but my body was moving too slow. I reached out my hand to grab him, but I only could reach the child and his transparent body slipped through my fingers. The man fired. A bullet hit the engine; but it felt like, the bullet hit me. _

_ Why did I want to stop him? I asked myself? Should he be choosing another fate for the all? My mind was confused, watching the other me destroying the Reapers gave me satisfaction, even when I wanted to stop him in the first place. I screamed. Noiseless. I did't know why, on the crossroad of destiny I lost my guide. I did't know what to do. _

_ The Engine exploded and caught the other me in a huge red cloud of fire. I can hear his screams and with him, I screamed. I felt the burning pain on my skin, how the remaining metal armor heated up and burned even deeper into my flesh. I screamed, from the bottom of my lungs, I wanted to scream as loud as I could. But again, it was soundless. _

_ When I was burning in the hottest fire of hell, I remembered my mission; why I had to stop me. I was here to right my wrong. I had to stop me putting the galaxy on a path to imaginary peace. I have to stop me giving the survivors the illusion of victory. I have to stop me creating a sleeping monster in secret, but certainly will awake in generations and cover the galaxy again in chaos and war. I have to survive! I have to warn them! I can't die! _

_But I failed. _

_ The red blast bloomed over my head reached out into the galaxy, while I was lying on the cold floor of the Crucible, gasping for air like a dying fish on shore. I could just close my eyes and die, resign from life and take the punishment for my wrong. _

_ In the moments before I close my eyes, I could still feel the hatred towards those who came before us! I hated to be controlled! I hated the truth we weren't created free! I hated the Reapers and the Catalyst! But it was me who dammed the entire galaxy to a new threat. I hated myself. I failed! I failed those who put trust in me, I failed those I promised to return. _

_ I still could feel the heat on my face and body when the ground under me broke. I opened my eyes and the red explosion ripped the crucible in pieces, throwing thousands of pieces towards me, piecing through my body and carried me towards the earth. _

_ An invisible hand closed around my throat so I couldn't breathe anymore. There was no air, and it felt like the evacuation of the Normandy again; the missing oxygen in my lungs, and the inevitable to come. I could see my lover and all those I care about flying with the Normandy into the distance while I was fighting for life. I wanted to scream for help. _

_ I was falling, freezing, and dying. I opened my eyes to see the sunlight in space. I've never felt so close to the stars and at the same time so far. I felt I could just reach out my hand and touch one. _

_ In the stasis of the empty battlefield, the black canvas looked peaceful with millions of glowing points; only the exploding Reapers gave the magnificent view a violent twist. At least the death of the Reapers gave me a tiny satisfaction over my certain failure to destroy the root of this chaos. _

_ I closed my eyes. I still could feel the pain and the lack of air in my lungs. In the moment of certain death I was put through the fire of purgatory and I could feel everything in me and on me burn. This must be the way to heaven and god's way for me to redeem. _

_ I burned and burned, and after that, all I knew was that I was falling. My mind was still awake, and believe it or not, I wasn't afraid of what might come next. In the last seconds of my consciousness all I knew was an ill-defined longing, a twist pain in my heart. And just before everything went dark for me, I saw a face; the face of an angel. Kaidan's face. _


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1: A dead man's cabin **

The man rose up from his bed, choking and gasping. Sweat covered his body and he could feel the cold air on his wet skin. He sat straightened in bed and breathed loudly, listing to his own pounding heart and waiting for it to slowly calm down. He told himself in his mind to focus on his situation, telling himself, it was only a dream and it wasn't real. He took some deep breath and eventually he could feel his pulse turning back to normal.

He looked around and walked away from the bed. When his naked feed touched the metal floor, every spot on his skin could feel the iciness. He walked into the bathroom on one side of the small room he was in and put his mouth directly under the tap. He took few deep gulps. When he stood up, his eyes caught the glance of himself in the mirror and he had to wonder what had become of him.

He wasn't anymore the hero of the galaxy, a man once known as John Shepard, the Commander of the battleship Normandy, a serving symbol in the Reaper war and the role model of a human soldier. Now, he was weak, old and close to broken. He looked himself in the eyes and saw only the shadow of the man he once was. The war had left its mark on him; the countless scars on his body had deformed him and turned his sight into a monstrous experience. He took a better look at his face in the dim light and sighed. His dark brown beard was growing like wild grass. He couldn't remember the last time he had shaved was, it must be somewhere around the attack on London. At that time, he had the clean cut of a soldier, unlike the long and fuzzy hair falling into his face now. He didn't look a bit like the man worshipped by the galaxy and loved by many; his own squad wouldn't recognize him when they walk by. He looked deeper into his own eyes and asked himself, what should become of him. Like a beast locked up in a cage, the wildness and anger in him was the only thing left and there is nothing he could point his wrath to.

He shoveled water into his face to get a clear mind. As he recall, it happened more often in the last couple months. The nightmares were coming more frequently and they were haunting him. Last night he dreamed, he was drowning in the Atlantic Ocean until a French fisherman pulled him out of the sea and pressed the salty water out of his lungs. And before that, he dreamed about the Crucible. It was nothing compared to the nights where he was witness to his own funeral; this tiny piece of memory was torturing him night after night. He remembered lying on something hard, struggling to stay awake as he listened to a woman's voice on the vid, live-commenting the funeral of Commander Shepard. He tried to say something, he tried to resist, he tried to scream. He didn't want to die. He struggled so hard to survive the war, survive the massive force the Reapers, he promised to fight as hard as hell just to hold his beloved again, just to be presumed dead when he was still breathing. But lying on the hard bench, he couldn't do anything. He only could feel the blood rushing in his veins and his heart racing fast. The world went black before his eyes.

It had been more than three years now and he still could remember the blank impuissance as he passed out from the struggle to yell out that he wasn't dead yet. When the world went dark, he thought that might be the final end. He survived the streets of Earth, survived the attack on Elysium, saved the Citadel twice and survived the goddamn Reaper war, just to die in a hospital because he fell into a coma. But, it wasn't the end; his mind stayed active even as he lost control of his body. He remembered the feeling of being caught inside a motionless shell, forced to listen to people come and go; how they talked in front of him, unaware he was awake inside. He thought this would be his punishment for all the lives he had taken and the price for the power to decide the galaxy's fate. Three years of hope and despair, struggle and peace later; just one day, his body woke up again.

It had been four weeks now since then, but all he could see was this room, he was locked in. It was decorated in the clinical white and metal. The lighting system was created in an artificial day-night system to give him a better sense of time, but the fake light only depressed more his on mood. Beside his bed, he had a small metal table and a chair placed in front a screen showing a garden at night. It was made to look like a window, but few looks, Shepard knew it was unreal. Since then, he couldn't really enjoy its beauty. Unlike a normal patient room door, a heavy vault entrance covered the front wall of the small chamber. It could only be opened and locked from outside and it was the biggest obstacle separating him from the outside world.

Most of the time, he sat alone in the cell for hours, with nothing to do but think of different way to escape. He had attempted it several times in the last few weeks, but it always ended the same way, with the guards beating him down, tight him up to the bed again. Since he woke up, he had gained weight and his biotics were coming back, but he was always outnumbered by a least a dozen trained guards. Every day he tried to train the biotic, since it was a weapon nobody could take from him. But as soon as the guards noticed its power, the doctors made sure, he got doped so much, he barely could move.

Shepard stepped away from the sink and walked around in the room. Finally the meds stopped working and in the middle of the night, he knew, he'll have some hours of clear mind, before the nurses came back in the morning to pump more drugs into his blood. Out of habit, Shepard tried to activate his omni-tool, just to remember, he had none. The doctors had removed the entire tech from his body; if his biotic implant wasn't so deep in his brain, they would have removed it, too. Sometimes, he had to ask himself, how could he still be alive, when he had no Cerberus part in him anymore? How was he functioning? He didn't quite understand his physic, but the hope he could one day regain his old strength and leave this place behind, kept him going.

He went to the corner of his room and started taking the screws out of the wall near the floor. He had found this air vent three weeks ago and while it was too small for him to escape through, he had managed to use it as a hiding spot for his treasures. Carefully, he removed the grate. He pulled out a small metal box lying just behind the grate and opened it slowly. In this box was everything he could collect and here, in this constant isolation, it meant the whole world to him.

Locked down in this facility, Shepard had no way of knowing what was happening in the outside world. He overheard conversations, sometime clear, and sometimes vague. He wasn't sure if it was reality or dream, since he had been under strong medication most of the time. He knew the Catalyst had worked; the Reapers were destroyed, along with any signs of synthetic life. Humanity had earned a huge spot in the galactic politic and the human race was enjoying the gratitude of all.

He surveyed the items in the box. Once, a nurse came into his room with dirty shoes and left a small rock behind. The stone piece was grey and sandy, no bigger than a finger nail. After she left, he had picked it up and held that piece of dirty stone in his hand for many hours. He had put it to his nose to inhale the scent of nature; it had been too long for him, since the last time he had held something organic between his fingers. Now, he touched this flat piece of stone with his fingers and rubbed its surface with his thumb. He felt the uneven shape of the rock and imagined the feeling of grains of sand on his face as the wind blew by. He could be on Rannoch right now, helping Tali rebuild her home, enjoying the yellow sun over the Quarian home world and seeing the rocky surface of the planet he helped to retake. Shepard bit his lip and forced his tears to stay back.

He put the rock back into its container, which looked like box for medical needles, and grabbed the piece of metal next to it. It might have been the cracked end of a dog tag. The piece was broken in half and no longer readable. He had fought painfully for this souvenir, when he grabbed it and ripped it of the neck of a guard. It reminded him too much of his own time in the Alliance Military. As long as he could remember, the Alliance had been his home.

At last Shepard stroked his fingers slowly over an old piece of paper, wrinkled and already losing its color and turning yellow. It was like a gift from the universe when Shepard found the old fashioned magazine in the pocket of a nurse, showing the page he now had in his box. He had ripped it off when the nurse wasn't paying attention. He slowly took out the paper and stoked it smooth with his shaky fingers. The page showed a soldier standing in front of war debris, wearing the Alliance armor and looking into the distance. The caption under the picture named him as Major Kaidan Alenko, Council Spectre on his first visit to Eden Prime after the war. Shepard was so glad and thankful that day when he read those words.

Kaidan made it! He had also survived the war. Shepard stroke over the thin paper with his dirty fingers and he whispered.

"I promise…" He couldn't stop his grief anymore and big drops of salty tears rolled down his cheeks and got stuck in his fuzzy beard. He quickly wiped it away and shook his head. _Pull yourself together, John!_ He thought and clenched his teeth together. The sudden pain in his heart wasn't new to him. Constantly reminding himself of the life he once had was hard for him, sometimes in the middle of his dizziness mixed up with pain, he wished, he could just give up, lay down and drew his last breath, but then thinking of Kaidan, alive and out there kept his will to fight, and these tokens of memory were the last things he could clamp on.

"Ah, miss Lawson." An older doctor in his fifty looked up from his data-pad when Miranda stopped in front of him. "Exited?" He asked smiling.

"A little bit. If I can get more often access to the object, I won't be anymore." She answered charmingly. "I've reviewed the data you send me yesterday. The situation is getting…" She hesitated, looking for the right word. "interesting."

The doctor looked over the pad quickly and signed. "Walk with me, Ms. Lawson." He guided her out of the lab and into a long corridor. "The patient is not doing well. He had become more … I'll say, agitated lately. And his outbursts of aggression are difficult to handle for the guards. The attempts of escape are keeping our security busy every day. Just this morning, he tried it again when the nurse were looking out for him. He hurt both of them but failed at the half dozen guards. His getting stronger and his biotic ability are returning fast. I have never made such an observation before; the speed of the development is breathtaking."

"Doctor, you said as it is something bad. We need him in a better shape for further tests. He's no use to me half dead." They stopped at a huge sealed door and the doctor typed in the code before they went through it.

"Ms. Lawson." The man said after they passed another lab, walking down the hallway. "Time is running out and we must finish the experiment, soon. Physically the object is fine, no more corrupted cells in his body, but of course you know that, you got the reports. But what we didn't mention is his mental state. Unstable would be an understatement. We couldn't establish any personal contact to him, and he refused to cooperate. Another two and three months like this, insanity would be the matching description for him. And no one knows how ruthless he'll get. We can't afford to lose the object!"

"I know." Miranda answered confidently. "Cerberus put four billion credits and two years of time into the Lazarus Project, and with the Kronos Station destroyed, our effort was lost. Without that research data, it can take me far more than years to recreate that technology, and you're asking even for more in a few months. Without a proper resource, it is simply impossible. So tell me, Doctor Moe, can you keep up with that?"

"I'm not … sure." The smaller Doctor hesitated. "Our founder, the promethean is indeed very generous, but he's not the Illusive Man.

"I'm aware of that." Miranda and the doctor stopped at the wall next to a giant metal door. He typed something on the console and the wall turned into a one way window. They stood in front of it and starred at the man lying on the bed.

"So this is the Commander?" She watched him sleep. "The test results do look real, and his physical attributes are also similar, but the DNA and tissue samples told me another story. How could you be sure of it?"

"Don't worry about that. It's him." The Doctor answered quickly. "We had it checked multiple times."

"How did you manage to get him here without anyone noticing?" Miranda asked while making notes on her omni-tool. "He wasn't just some random guy."

"Because we didn't know who he was. Nobody did. His facial characteristics were almost burned away completely when we found him on the beach of Normandy. He had no dog tags, no armor, not even clothes. The fishermen thought he might be a soldier because of the piece of armor burned into his skin and brought him to the sick bay near Cherbourg. I happened to be a doctor there, helping as far as I could after my hospital was destroyed. It was ugly when I first got my hands on him. His whole body was one giant wound, with the dirt from the sea water stuck in it. Horrible!" The doctor shivered. "It is already a miracle he survived."

"The nurses never checked his DNA with the military database?"

"Of course we did! That's a first thing we do, when a soldier comes to us." Dr. Moe answered quickly. "But TCS made it impossible to find him. Of course at that time, we weren't aware of that."

Miranda nodded. She had seen other soldiers suffering from The Catalyst-Syndrome; _the_ decease after the war. The radiation sent thought the catalyst blast had altered the DNA of many soldiers floating in space at that time. Until today, no one knew, how it happened, but it happened. When the cleanup team brought the corpses back to earth, most of them were identified by their doc tags. But someone discovered the DNA difference between the corps and the one in the database. He marked as a mistake, but later that day, that young doctor stood in front of dozen corpses with not matching DNA. The rumors about the altered DNA spread fast, and many civilians had tried to report back as missing soldiers with the mutation, so they could get better treatments. Most of them were turned down. No one knew even today, how many real soldiers got turned down and died from the lack of medical attention.

"Ms. Lawson," the doctor started again. "The man you see in front of you is the key to its cure. Back in France, when he fell into the coma like everyone else with TCS, his vital signals didn't drop rapidly like the others, instead of it, he started to heal. And when we noticed that, we sent his healing signature to the Med Center and two days later, we got the order to transfer him to the HQ. They wanted to examine the anomaly and we gave him away. But then, two weeks later, they offered us the job here."

Miranda looked at the man she called "an object" lying in his bed peacefully, but tied to his bed and a needle with meds pumping through his veins. "What happened then?"

"Then? We came here." He made a hand gesture to point around in this huge facility with tall ceiling. "You must understand. We were a bunch of desperate doctors. The war had taken all of our careers. I wasn't working in the field before the Reapers. I was a scientist in a lab. And when I had the feeling, the answer to the TCS problem laid in his blood, I thought I might really have my breakthrough after all. None of us hesitated to say yes." The doctor sighed. "We did what we could, but we never found out who he was. To us, he was just only a miracle of biology, a gift from the evolution."

"When did you found out about it?" Miranda asked

"The healing signature matched nothing mankind had ever seen before. That man possessed some unbelievable healing ability. It might be the DNA alteration, but his case remained unique. It looked like this man had died and come back to life again. We had heard rumors before about the Shepard being brought back to life by Cerberus, but we never took it literally, you know. We did what we could. His biological imprint was one of a kind and we used it to create more cures to all different kind of deceases."

Miranda turned around to him quickly and looked curious. She had received a copy of reports about this object, and it was written, few experiments were performed on it to test its limits, but no further details were explained. "What exactly did you do? It wasn't in the dossier you send."

"Nothing special… just few small experiments…" The doctor suddenly became a little nervous. He looked down to his data-pad and then to the man inside the room.

"What kind of experiments?" She asked again, this time more insisting.

The old man stood from one food to another and eventually started to talk. "Well… we first only took his tissue samples and experimented in the lab, and then… someone came up the idea to test it directly on him…"

"On him?"

"Well, his body was immune to a lot of things; barely a virus could have a dangerous effect on him. He heals faster than normal human and he could resist most of the known deceases. It was truly amazing."

Miranda took a deep breath. The doctor didn't have to say it, but she could imagine what was performed on the body of that man. She closed her eyes to calm herself down.

"And the results?" She said quietly, almost whispering.

"Promising. What do you think how the human kind could recover from the war so fast, although so much was destroyed? Before the war, we are happy to hit 150, and now, 170 would be the average age. Cell reconstruction therapies to stay young, new antibiotics and far more than that. Almost half of the medical sensations only could be done by study him and tested on him." He pointed in Shepard's direction. "Are you shocked, Miss Lawson?" He asked gently.

"No… not really. I understand great achievements require unconventional actions. It's just… he… I used to share an emotional bound with the Commander."

"I hope this won't affect your work, your… romantic engagement with the object."

"Don't worry, I am professional." She smiled and turned her head away. "When did you discover the truth?"

"Ah… that. Like I said, the Lazarus project was just a rumor, but we couldn't stop wonder if it had happened before the Commander, because we just had no clue where this man came from. It was only a small hope when we tried to compare his physical signature with the records of Commander Shepard. We only expected to find some similarity and but certainly not to find the Commander himself. "

"Why didn't you report it? I guess the galaxy would be very curious to know who the famous doctor was, who saved Commander Shepard!" Miranda suggested.

"Oh we did. But then they told us to keep it quiet. Then the research plans came in. Oh God, that was a surprise. First, the remaining data on project Lazarus came in! We were all so excited about it. That was an amazing piece of human technology and we completely forgot about the person. He became only … an object. We never expected the object to wake up from his coma anyway, so we used him and we studied him; that's what we wanted." The doctor looked at the data pad again and shook his head. "And then the miracle turned into even a bigger miracle when he woke up!"

"And you didn't see that coming?" She sounded surprised.

"Not at all. You see, normal patient in coma has a different kind of brain wave then the object had. His neural signals had always been strong; it was like he wasn't gone at all. The only assumption was he was awake all the time. It was truly a shock. But since he's awake, he had only been trouble."

"How good, you contacted me." Miranda smiled and walked closer to the window. "What are you planning on doing with him after the project?" Miranda asked.

"I'm… not sure." The doctor hesitated. "I guess we'll have to dispose of him. To keep the biggest hero in the galaxy locked away for three years is a serious crime. It's a huge risk, for all of us! "

Miranda nodded and remained silent. She made some notes on the data pad. "I see. But before that, we should make sure to secure the most of his genetic material. It would be wasted if we just get rid of it." She typed fast on her omni-tool.

"If you say so, Miss Lawson." The doctor nodded.

"But wait… I have a better idea." She looked up. "We should keep his body and place an implant in his brain and see what happens then."

"Isn't this technology still in its beta phase and said to be dangerous?"

"Yes, it is. But if he is such a unique object, it's even more interesting to see what happens then." She smiled, satisfied with this solution. "And Doctor, I need access to the object, I have some test to run on him."

"Are you sure? The object is hostile and dangerous." The Doctor said with a worried voice and looked at to her.

Miranda smiled wild and turned to the doctor proudly. "Don't worry; my biotics had always been stronger than his."


	3. Chapter 2

**_Chapter 2: Relic of war_**

_"John!" Kaidan whispered…_

_He was sitting in the evac shuttle with Liara and the engineers form Normandy. He saw how parts of the Normandy were burned out in space, where no fire lived long. The fear thrilled in his heart and made him stand up, even as the gravity of the planet below them was pulling the capsule faster. He saw how the last shuttles near the cockpit where thrown into the vacuum and caught by the gravity and he tried not to lose sight of it. There was their Commander, a dear friend and his lover. _

_The hunt for the remaining Geth after the fight against Sovereign felt like a walk on the beach and he had enjoyed every downtime minute with his CO. Although they had to hide and steal time, he loved every second he could spent with him; under the shower; in his cabin; in the men's bathroom and once even in the debriefing room. He felt relieved to see the last capsule make it away from the Normandy and at the same time he hated to see the Normandy shred into pieces where he had the privilege to serve for the last two years. _

_The Normandy had been his home even longer than for the Commander. He served under Captain Anderson before he was transferred to support the first human Spectre. It felt hard to say goodbye to his ship in this horrible way, but at least they will survive and their memories would prevail. But then he saw it. He saw HIM; a tiny floating human body in space struggling with something. Kaidan yelled Shepard's name just before they fell through the atmosphere and the burning around the capsule clouded his view. Through the fire it looked like the person floating in space was burning, too. _

_After they climbed out of their evac shuttle, they spent hours in fear and hope, before they found the other one. Kaidan couldn't remember how they found it, but when he pulled Joker out of it and saw an empty capsule behind him, if felt like the heaven had fallen on him. He screamed when an invisible force pierced through his armor and ripped his heart out of his chest. It felt like thousands of hammers smashing down on him. His knees couldn't carry his weight and he sank to the ground of the hard and rocky surface of the unknown planet. He screamed and charged his biotic in fury. He ran towards Joker, pulling him up and covered him with all the curses he could think of. If Liara wasn't there to hold him back, Joker might be a bunch of broken bones now. _

_The memories blurred away and Kaidan was pulled through time. He was standing on his ship, on Horizon, he watched the Normandy fly away, and on board the man he had loved so much. He bit his lips and punched the wall. He wished he had gone with him. An unknown jealousy grew in him. Shepard was there with an extraordinary beautiful woman. The thought, his lover was returning to the ship and would potentially share his bed with that woman or other people made him mad. _

_The picture of himself, sitting pathetically in his cabin blurred before his eyes. Like swirling colors his mind brought him to other places. Many mixed pictures of his time with Shepard appeared. He saw himself meeting him on the Normandy. He saw himself holding his hand in the Huerate Memorial. They both acted like schoolboys. They flirted like beginners and blushed often. Kaidan reached out his hand to hold those pictures, but like smoke in the air, they slipped through his fingers. _

_He saw many images of them. Kissing, touching and loving. He couldn't tell where it was, he just saw himself holding Shepard, scratching him, biting him and fucking him. He saw Shepard rising from their bed and walking away. _

_"Don't leave me behind!" He whispered but the Commander just kept walking. Kaidan wanted to run after him, but something lifted him up in the air. He screamed and screamed. He begged them to leave him there. He saw the man walking into a mass of light with determined strides until the immense light swallowed him. _

_"I'm sorry, Kaidan!" Liara's voice echoed in his head. He was kneeling on the floor and holding a data pad about Shepard in his hands. He couldn't breathe; he felt the grief grew inside him. He felt the pain mixed with guilt. It felt like someone had punched him hard in the stomach and then stabbed him in the back. He choked and grabbed the data pad harder. _

_He looked at it again to ensure he didn't misread the message first. He read the dossier about Commander John Shepard again, and stopped at the three capital letter in the status field: KIA _

_"I'm so sorry…" Liara said again. He didn't answer. He just kneeled on the ground shaking with his whole body. A blind wrath was consuming him, he tried to fight it, but he couldn't. The fury inside him like he had never known before took control of him, and he couldn't remember how the pistol got into his hand. He fired and fired again. The grief in him had turned his integrity into madness. He heard his own screams and curses in the hall of the Normandy mess echoing, and his own fingernails in his flesh. He felt the hot muzzle of his pistol on his temple when he felt down. The pain had ripped his naked soul out from his chest and taken away any happiness in his heart; he closed his eyes. Then he felt the arms of James holding him back and Garrus knocking him out, just before he pulled the trigger again. _

Kaidan was woken up by the noise form the comm and opened his eyes quickly. He tried to stand up and fell back into the chair in the Starburst Observation immediately. He could still feel the alcohol in his blood and he cursed inside and regretted not have said "no" to James's invitation to "have some cozy beers over at Steve's place". It just ended up like the last time he went out with James to the club Vertigo.

"Commander." Kaidan heard Joker's voice over the comm and stood up, this time more slowly.

"Joker?" He said.

"We are approaching the Alliance HQ, sir." Joker's voice came out his comm again.

"I'll be on the bridge in a minute." Kaidan took a deep breath and stepped out of his room. Although he had been given the captain's cabin, but he preferred to stay in the observatory. This place held in itself a peace and serenity he couldn't find elsewhere on the battleship; when they were in space, Kaidan could lose himself in the view of the stars. A few minutes later, the CO stepped into the cockpit where Joker sat alone, navigating the Normandy over the London city skyline. He looked out of the window and saw the city glowing golden in the sunset.

Kaidan had tried to avoid London since the end of the war; the majority of his Spectre business took him off planet, but he remembered every time he had to come here. The memories of the doom's day just wouldn't disappear even when he tried to distract himself with something else. He saw the conduit in the distance where three years ago a giant beam of light had connected Earth with the Citadel. Kaidan could barely look over there, but when he did, he saw himself saying goodbye to Shepard on the battlefield, not knowing, that would be the last time, he laid eyes upon his lover's face.

"Alliance Command, this is SSV Normandy, request for Landing on dock 32." Joker said in a routine.

"Normandy, this is Alliance Command. Request granted. Please hold your speed and prepare to transfer to Alliance Officer."

"Understood." Joker replied and took his hands away from the console. He turned to Kaidan and smiled. "Imagine, just six years ago, you sat there and I was here." Joker pointed at the co-pilot's seat next to him. "And now you're my CO and I'm still flying the ship."

"Yeah, we went through a lot, Joker." Kaidan said and smiled. "A little nostalgic?"

Joker gazed at him and laughed. "Na… just th…"

"Normandy, we have to redirect you to the hangar 45 on the north side because a malfunction in area 30-35. I apologize."

"Understood" Joker replied. "Transferring control to Alliance officer."

"Welcome to London, Normandy." The female voice said and Joker stood up.

He looked at Kaidan knowingly. "Sorry, now we have to stare at that piece of rock all the time." Joker pointed at the conduit.

"It's not your fault…" Kaidan said. "I just hoped to avoid that area."

"We all want to avoid it, Commander." Joker replied and sat down again.

Kaidan walked out of the cockpit, along the CIC and straight up to his cabin. He couldn't see where they were flying but it seemed he could feel where they were. He could almost see the streets beneath the building, and all the depressed feelings were coming back; the battle of London, the final run and the funeral.

The Funeral, the worst day in his life, the darkest moment in his heart. Kaidan looked out of the window and saw those streets where he had passed that day with the procession. Early that day, he received the message from the Alliance HQ; the search for Shepard had been stopped. It is assumed, his body is lost in space and the Alliance couldn't spare anymore resources to look for his remaining. Hackett himself picked him up from the hospital that day and accompanied him to the funeral himself. The Admiral must have thought, if not this way, Kaidan would refuse to leave.

He sat in the shuttle in his colonel uniform and watched the sea of people. They lined up on both side of the street and lit their candle in the wind. The Conduit, still black from the smoke of the battle, was turned into a memorial wall to honor those who had fallen. To its footstep, a podium stood on the red carpet and a big picture of Shepard in black and white hung above it. Kaidan looked over to Hackett and narrowed his eyes. He was close to cry. He refused to believe it.

When he stepped onto the empty coffin lying in the preparation center, he couldn't hold his tears anymore. If there wasn't Liara holding his hand, he could have gone mad again. The walk to the grave was the longest two-hundred meters in his life and every step felt heavy. He was glad about the rain in London, so no one could saw him cry.

Kaidan entered the captain's cabin and took off his casual uniform. He looked down to the marks on his left wrist and stoked it softly; an ugly souvenir of a closed institution. And then his hand went to his right temple, where he pointed the muzzle of his pistol to. He still didn't quite remember what happened, but he was told later by the doctors, the pain had taken control of him and it wasn't his fault, he had injured two soldiers.

He sat on the bed and buried his head in his hands. He didn't know what to do. His longing for a dead man had reached an unthinkable stage. There was not a day, he didn't think of him somehow. His therapist told him to change the décor in the Captain's cabin, but he just couldn't touch anything. He had spent the happiest time of his life inside these four walls and every time he returned here, he could feel Shepard watching over him.

"Captain?" Traynor stepped into Kaidan's cabin and said carefully. "We just landed."

"I'm coming." Kaidan stood up and walked over to his wardrobe. "Has the Asari Ambassador landed yet?"

"Yes, well, not really. Liara… I mean the Asari Ambassador just called. She said she can't make the meeting tonight. She has to take care of some other thing." Traynor made a hand gesture to the word "other" and lowered her voice. "Some Shadow Broker thing…"

"Yeah… sure." Kaidan nodded. He pulled out a clean uniform and tossed it on the bed. "What's on my schedule for tonight?"

"Official appearance as the human representative at the opening ceremony." She replied briskly.

"Oh, right." Kaidan asked. "I read something about a Museum opening tonight I have to attend…"

"It's the Memorial Museum…" She stepped down to Kaidan and showed the picture of the building to him. The building was of modern design with a statue before it, a statue of many different races. Each of them was modeled after a hero of that race. Of course, the human statue was the exact copy of Shepard. "It is basically just a huge exhibition about the Reaper war heroes and of course, about the Shepard." She added.

Kaidan made a pained gesture unintentionally and sighed quietly. Traynor noticed it and said immediately. "Should I cancel it?"

"No, don't… It would be dishonorable. It's just…" Kaidan turned his head away from the pic. "It's only a party for me to stand thought. Some shaking hands and smiling for the cameras."

Traynor stepped inside his room and stopped before him. "You don't have to, Kaidan. It's just some party."

Kaidan nodded. "I'll have to, if not for me, then for John."

Shepard leaned against an old house on the docks; he carefully placed himself in the shadow of the alley and watched the people walking by. He had no idea where to turn after he came on shore. The smell of rot and dirt that covered the London docks kind of made him feel like he was coming home. Back to civilization, back on Earth. The crowded streets and alleyways of the southern Themes dock were full of travelers, pilgrims and seedy people of all types. The festival had attracted all kind of aliens to Earth and even an Elcore was amount them.

He pulled the black hood over his head, and straightened up his collar to protect himself from the cold wind. The summer was long over; fall was in the air and Shepard could already smell the first scent of winter. It had been a long time since he actually spent a winter on Earth. There were no seasons on space stations, and when he was on board a war ship, the passage of time was only marked in the form of scars and wrinkles.

He watched the people around the area and checked the time. It was late afternoon, the sun had disappeared behind the houses and he was just hoping the agent of the Shadow Broker was still around. He looked around, searching for something, when a very young man with red hair and freckles abruptly turned into the alley. He stepped into the shadows with Shepard and pretended not to notice him. He scanned the area with a device he was carrying and when the tiny green light blinked, he turned around to Shepard and starred at him closely.

"You Miranda's man?" He asked without taking his gaze from Shepard. He stared back at the boy. His blue-green eyes seemed to be so deep and bright, Shepard could almost see his own reflection. And then he believed he saw something else.

"Maybe…" Shepard answered clearly and made sure his face remained in the shadows.

The young man waited a second and said emotionlessly. "Give me the Data. Thank you for your service."

"I want to talk to the Shadow Broker first." Shepard said.

"Don't worry. The Shadow Broker will keep his word. Now give me the data." The young man said eagerly and stepped closer to Shepard. He still didn't turn his glance from Shepard once, and now, Shepard could see something strange in his eyes. It was glowing and … it was scanning him.

Shepard stepped out of the shadow and placed his face inches before the boy's. "I assume those are camera lenses… and the Shadow Broker is watching directly, isn't she?"

The boy started breathing fast and Shepard could see fear and confusion in his face. When he looked away from Shepard's face, he knew he was right. He grabbed the face of the boy and looked him in the eyes and whispered. "Hello, old friend…" Then he pushed the boy a step away and waited. If he was right; if Liara was still the Shadow Broker, she'll wants to see him.

The boy looked down, whispering something into his comm while he gazed over to Shepard a few times. Shepard tried to listen in on the conversation when the engines of a ship above them drowned out everything. Many people raised their heads to watch something in the sky and Shepard joined them. He looked at the sky over the river, and soon he heard the cheering. Seconds later, a masterpiece of a space warship flew over his head. The SSV Normandy, the crown jewel of the Alliance fleet. This ship become the most famous vessel in the Galaxy, maybe even better known than the Destiny Ascension; it was the pinnacle of science and technology; a symbol of strength and, that ship was his home.

His eyes wetted from a piercing longing in his guts. He watched the four-cored ship fly over the river towards the Alliance HQ in the distance, and he wished the last three years never happened, and he hadn't fallen from the Catalyst. Then he'd still be the captain of the Normandy, serving with the finest crew from all the different galactic races and he would still be able to spend his nights with Kaidan. But things didn't happen the way he wished. Kaidan was now the only human Spectre and the commanding officer of the Normandy, crossing the Galaxy as an autonomous council cell. And who was John Shepard? He was a nobody now, a dead man on the run with nothing in his pockets and no allies. Not yet.

Shepard was still watching the Normandy when the boy tapped on his shoulder. "The Shadow Broker is awaiting you. Follow me." He led the way away from the docks and a block later a black sky car sat waiting for them. The young man slid behind the console and Shepard followed.

"Are you even old enough to drive?" He joked when he closed the door.

"Don't be deceived by my appearance. It's not my true face, but looking young makes it easier to move in London's streets. So many homeless kids and teenagers out there, no one would notice one." The boy started the console with a routine and took off. He looked over to Shepard once they were in the air and reached out his hand.

"I'm Matt, Liara's man on earth. It is an honor to meet you; I don't often meet a man knowing the Shadow Broker in person. Are you friends?"

"More than that." Shepard said and looked out of the window.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Change of plans**

Miranda was running down the corridor. The metal surfaces of the hallway reflected the flickering lights and it seemed to be endless. Occasionally she would turn around and see if the guard was still following her.

A tall man in black armor and a assault rifle kicked the door open and came into the corridor. He saw her running and shouted. "Freeze!"

Miranda didn't listen to him. She turn right sharp and leaned against the wall. She held her breath and gathered the biotic around her hand. In the silence of the corridors, she could hear every steps of him coming closer. First, he walked normally but with a driven pace, and then a few steps later, he started running. His heavy boots made hammering sounds and it echoed in the corridor like a monster coming in her direction.

She waited calmly and when the man reached the junction, Miranda jumped out of her hideout and smashed her fist into the man's face. The heavy armored guard collapsed instantly and fell on the ground like a bunch of stones. Miranda looked at the unconscious guard and used her biotic to lift him up. She couldn't let him just lie here, and if someone came by, he would certainly alert the others.

Miranda walked towards the patient wing with the solider floating next to her. She entered an office at the end of the corridor and walked quickly across the room to the lab. The office and lab seemed empty and silent she almost could hear her own heartbeat. Miranda looked around to make sure, they were really alone and only then they walked towards the object's room at the end of the lab. She put the guard down next to the door of Shepard's cabin and took the short range radio from the man. She wanted to turn it off when she heard the voice of another man came out from the radio.

"…alright… position seven …what… …report the… …or return to your patrol... …position seven… Please come…."

Miranda smashed the radio on the ground and the voice died as the black plastic box broke into many pieces. She stepped over the body of the guard and walked over to the metal door. The room was dark and the visitor's windows had been closed for the night, leaving the patient in perfect isolation. She took a deep breath again and called up a console window showing the security codes she had just downloaded. She knew, once she opened up this door, there was no turning back.

She took a deep breath and typed the numbers into the pin-pad. The metal door opened up slowly and she stepped into the pure darkness of the small room, watching the outside closely before the door closed again. She sealed the room from inside and before she could take a look into the room, she already felt the danger coming from behind. Miranda turned around and could barely see the biotic charge coming for her when she jumped to the side to dodge it. The blast caught her anyway and threw her backwards. Miranda slammed against the door hard and felt to her knees. She tried to stand up again when a fist smashed into her face. It felt like a giant rock crushing her skull and a dull pain went through her body, she could taste blood on her tongue and the numb feeling on her lips.

Miranda felt disoriented for couple of seconds; when she tried to get back on her feet again, the attacker jumped high and smashed his fist against the floor when he landed. Miranda wanted to escape the range of the biotic nova but she was too close. The blast caught her again and tossed her about a meter in the air and she fell hard on the ground. She couldn't be thrown backward anymore, so she was pushes by the energy against the wall again.

She tasted a lot of blood in her mouth this time and spit it out on the ground. She lay on the floor between the Vanguard and the exit door and crawled on her knees. She saw the fist with the blue energy coming for her when she raised her hand and yelled. "It's me, Shepard!" She gasped and spitting more blood on the ground. "It's me! Miranda!"

The man stopped a few inches before her head and the dark energy dissipated around his fist. "Miranda!" He said surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"There is no time to explain. Do as I say and we both can get out of here!" She said quickly and pressed a hand to her chest. Shepard reached out his hand to help her to stand up.

"What are you doing here?" Shepard asked again.

"Listen Shepard." Miranda leaned against the bathroom door and called up a window on her omni-tool. "You want to go home, right?"

"Home?" Shepard stepped back and reflected.

"Do you want to go home?" She asked again.

Shepard raised his head and stared at Miranda. "I… "

Miranda stepped closer to Shepard carefully. "I can make it happen. Trust me! I can help you to go home… if you do just as I say!" She said more worried this time. She looked at her omni-tools, showing two blinking dots coming towards them fast. She stepped backwards into the toilette in his room and said. "I can get you out of here!"

Shepard looked at her closely. Their current situation reminded him too much of their first encounter. And as the last time, he knew something bad and crazy was going to happen. "What do you want me to do?"

"Whoever comes through this door, kill him!" just after she finished her sentence, the metal gate opened and two armored guards stood in the door, pointing their guns at him.

Shepard didn't think a moment longer; he immediately charged at the door and then smashed with his fist on the ground, causing a biotic Nova. The two guards were thrown back into the office and struggled on the ground. Shepard went over to one of them and took the heavy pistol out of his hand. He shot each of them twice in the head and painted the white floor with their blood. Miranda stepped out of Shepard's cabin and came to him quickly. "There is another one!"

She pointed at the unconscious man lying next to the door and Shepard didn't hesitate to shoot him, too.

"Take me as your hostage; we can get out of here this way!" Miranda said while walking to him. "Hurry, hit me! They have to see this."

Shepard asked himself what was going on here, but obeyed, and just as more people came in through the door at the end of the hall, Shepard hit Miranda hard on the other cheek. She sank to her knees and let her biotic flow. Shepard grabbed her arm violently and pulled her on her feet again. He put her in front of himself and pointed a gun at her temple. She fake struggled with him a little and held still when the others stopped before them. Dr. Moe and the guards just looked at them and didn't dare to make a move.

Shepard looked at them sharply. All the armored guards were wearing black and holding assault rifles or heavy pistols in their hands. He pushed the gun closer to Miranda's head and pulled her in front of himself. "One wrong move and I'll paint the wall with her brain!" Shepard yelled. "Get out of my way now!"

The dozen guards and Dr. Moe flinched when Shepard yelled but hesitated to do anything.

Miranda tried to fake resisting under Shepard's arm, but only got herself twitched even more. She stood on her toes and held on with her fingers tight around Shepard's arm and choked. "Shepard, please! Don't do this… Think of what we had… …"

"Shut up, you little slut!" Shepard hit her softly with the pistol on the head. "Don't think I won't kill you, just because sucked my dick few times!" Shepard looked back at the guards. "I said get out of my way!"

The guards still didn't do anything; they just stood there pointing their gun at them. Shepard saw no other way to show them how serious he was so he took the gun away from Miranda's head just for a second to shoot one of the men right in the belly. The man collapsed on the floor. The other guards saw the blood coming out of the corpse and were stunned for a split second, before they started to fire at them. Miranda reacted fast and made a biotic barrier in front of them. When the bullets hit the field, she screamed scared.

However, even though her barrier was strong enough, she was a split of second too late. A bullet came through and got winged on Shepard's leg. He lost the strength in his leg for a moment, but stood straight again quickly. Shepard's biotic shield prevented any further damage and he immediately pulled his gun to shoot back. He shot three of them before Dr. Moe screamed at the guards and tumbled back. "Stop! Stop!" He waved with his hands. "Hold the fire! The object is not expendable!" He stepped back against the wall. "Let them through! I said let them through!"

The guards held their fire and so did Shepard. "No, Doctor!" Miranda yelled when she was brought away by Shepard, she tried to fake-escape again and Shepard had to point the burning muzzle of his gun to her head to keep her under his will. He tried not to touch her face, but when it accidently did, she screamed like she was getting slaughtered.

Shepard didn't know the way out of the facility or even to the hanger bay, and Miranda guided him as much as she could. But she had to let him run into some wrong corridors, too, just to pretend he was the leading man. As much as Shepard wished not to harm anyone else, he had no choice but to shoot down some more guards on his way. He turned into the next corridor with Miranda's wrist in his hand and he was so glad when he saw the sign leading them to the LZs.

Shepard didn't know if the shuttle, standing empty on the landing zone were a part of Miranda's plan or not, but it came in handy. He pushed Miranda on the shuttle first, and then got into the shuttle himself. He could see out of the corner of his eye how few guards stormed out of the building with rifles pointing at them.

"Hit me!" Miranda whispered and Shepard punched her hard in the stomach. "Again!" She whispered and this time, Shepard used the gun in his hand and smashed it on Miranda's head. She felt down on the ground of the shuttle and closed her eyes. He ran into the cockpit quickly and started the engines. The automatic taking off protocol started immediately and Shepard went back to the open door.

Shepard didn't know if Miranda was really unconscious or all part of her acting. He looked down at the guards taking cover behind crates and metal panels when he opened fire on them, but ducked back behind the door where he heard the bullets hitting the metal surface of the shuttle.

"Stop shooting!" The small doctor ran in front of the soldiers and gestured wildly with his hands. "We need Shepard alive and healthy! Hold your fire!"

"Thank you, Doctor!" Shepard yelled at them holding onto the handle over the door and then he pointed his gun directly to the head of Miranda. "If I see one of you following me, she'll die! And Dr. Moe," He looked at the small man in the fifties. "It was a pleasure to work for you and good luck finishing your project without me!"

Shepard didn't wait for their answer and jumped into the cockpit. It had been far too long since he had sat in a shuttle as a pilot. He liked flying, but in the war time, he had to leave the navigation to those, who could do it the best. He really could use the routine and the fast escape style of Steve, but now he had to improvise. But at least, Shepard had learned from Steve, the Kodiak actually has an autopilot function.

Shepard activated the external cameras and saw the rocky landscape shrouded in yellow sandy fog before him. The planet was yellow, windy and the atmosphere was darker than on earth, but the night seemed to be brighter. He couldn't see any trees or other kind of vegetation. Although all sign of life were missing, it had the untouched peace of nature. In the distance he saw giant pillars of clouds leading into the sky.

"Where are we?" Shepard asked whispering more to himself than to Miranda still lying on the floor motionless. When no answer came, he turned around quickly to take a look at her. He must have hit her harder than he intended, he thought. Just as he wanted to go to her, the distance alarm began to blink. Shepard immediately looked straight and saw the shuttle flying directly to a canyon wall. He called up the manual console in hurry and typed some commands in routine. He hadn't flown a shuttle for a long time and the interface of the console had changed thought time. He hoped, his intuitive routine didn't do something wrong. When the shuttle changed its course and started to fly in the height, he reminded himself to thank Steve Cortez the next time he saw him for showing him some tricks.

While the shuttle flew over the canyon, the view cleared in front of his eyes. Shepard opened his mouth unintentionally while looking at the unbelievable landscape before his eyes. The pillars of clouds were coming from giant pipes in a huge industrial area. The metal facility reached out to the horizon as far as his eyes could see. The clouds turned out to be steam columns, pale white on the dark blue sky. Shepard gasped; he had seen terraforming facilities before, but never in this size and this scale.

He looked in to the distance and then to the sky. Behind the clouds he had the feeling he could see something big covering the sky, turning it into yellow than the normal blue or the industrial grey. He looked closer and recognized it as a planet with a characteristic asteroid ring around it.

"What!" He shouted! "Saturn? What the fuck!" he turned around and shouted at the unconscious Miranda. "On which moon are we?"

Shepard looked at Saturn above them. Huge and majestic in its size, it took over the half of the visible sky. Shepard took a deep breath and stopped the shuttle in the air. He stood up and walked over the Miranda. He pulled her up from the floor and shook her gently.

"Hey, Miranda." Shepard said softly. "Wake up!" He had no medi-gel in his equipment; actually he had absolutely no equipment, he didn't even have shoes. He looked through Miranda's equipment and injected one of her pipes. A few seconds later, she opened her eyes slowly.

"Shepard," she said weak.

"I'm sorry I hit you so hard and…" Shepard apologized.

"No, it's okay…" Miranda interrupted him and looked around. "It was a necessary action." Miranda regained her orientation fast and stood up. "Virtual windows, huh." She looked out of them.

"Are you okay," Shepard said worried and pointed at the co-pilot's seat. "Maybe you should sit down for a while."

"It's okay, Shepard. I'm perfectly f…" The shuttle rattled hard and both of them had to grab on something not to fall.

Shepard instinctively jumped into the pilot's seat and checked the system. Two other shuttles just appeared on his range radar and took them in their target.

"We got company!" Shepard shouted while he typed on the command console. Miranda followed him and jumped on the co-pilot's seat. "Activating shield, brace for evasive maneuvers." Shepard said loudly.

Shepard flew the shuttle into the canyon under them and the other two followed close behind. The rocky canyon was tight and he almost hit the walls when he tried to navigate through the passage. He had no idea where he was flying, but he just wanted to put as much distance as possible between him and their hunters. But the Kodiak's behind them were close and soon opened fire on them. Shepard could read from his radar, one of the double front mounted mass accelerator canons had been used. The shuttle dodged this projectile and when it hit the canyon wall, massive piece of rocks and dust fell down in the burning explosions.

"Holy shit!" Shepard shouted. "Did they upgrade the Kodiak? Since when do they carry heavy weapons?"

"They're not!" Miranda replied fast and took care of the energy balance of the shuttle and its shield. "Titan's atmosphere is rich in methane, everything burns more easily here."

Shepard made a sharp turn to the right and he felt, how the metal vessel of his shuttle scratched the wall. They rattled, but regained balance fast. "So we are on Titan? Since when did the Alliance start this project? The scale of the facility is enormous and.."

"One behind and one above us." Miranda interrupted him. "Weapons are sharp and online."

"Understood." Shepard answered and called up the firing console. "Hold on."

Shepard kept his speed and just before he was about to hit the canyon wall, he made a sharp U-turn in the air and navigated up. He bumped against the shuttle above them, and until their pursuer became unstable and turned wildly around in the air, Shepard placed the second shuttle in his sites and fired.

The missiles flew towards the other shuttle, as it tried to dodge. One of the missiles missed its target and hit the rocks behind it, but the second struck its front window. The shuttle exploded in a giant ball of fire and the burning pieces fell to the ground, hundred meters below them.

"One done, one to go!" Shepard said.

"Perfect! The Kodiak UT-52A now has mounted machine guns in the front and back, maybe you should try them." Miranda said, pointing at the command console between them, when the second Kodiak appeared before their virtual window. Shepard could see the big pipes of the mini gun, and how they started to roll. Seconds later, he felt the impact of the bullets. The bullets covered the surface of the Kodiak in a metal rain and the shield bar on his console went down rapidly until almost nothing left.

"Shield at 23%." Miranda said. "Multiple vessel damage. Shepard, hold your breath."

Shepard did what she said and took a deep breath. He maneuvered the shuttle out of the range of the other Kodiak and the hunt started all over again. Shepard saw out of the corner of his eyes, how Miranda quickly opened an emergency locker next to her and pulled out two masks. She tossed one over to him and he put it on.

"The air here is too thin to breath." Miranda shouted behind her mask. "Fly out of the canyon! There is no place to maneuver here!"

"Trust me, I have a plan!" Shepard shouted and flew directly into another gap between the walls. He stopped right in the air and looked out of the back window. The other Kodiak was right behind him and when he also turned into the gap, Shepard navigated the shuttle backwards at full speed.

Their vessel struck on the front of the other hard and flew backwards out of the canyon before turning around.

"Kinetic barriers down. We're without shield!" Miranda shouted and called up a mass effect shield around her whole body.

"Miranda, the back gun! Open fire!" Shepard commanded and the girl jumped out of her seat. She opened the console and locked the target.

The open terrain they were in gave him more space to maneuver, but the other pilot was just as good as he was. He fired heavy missiles and the machine gun at them whenever it was possible, and Miranda responded also with her own salvo of bullets.

"Those bastards!" Shepard shouted when their shuttle got hit again. "Who are they?"

"Eagle Division." Miranda shouted. "Private security company, mostly ex-military. We shouldn't underestimate them."

"I'm not!" Shepard shouted. "Don't stop firing. Give them hell!"

"To the left, Shepard!" She shouted from the back of the shuttle.

Shepard looked at the back window carefully and pulled to the left. The engine warning and many other sings were blinking red.

"Do something, Miranda! One more hit and we're down" Shepard shouted, trying to maneuver out of range of their weapons. He had plenty of space to fly now, but absolutely no place to hide. He flew at times to the right, and at times to the left, sometimes up and down, he even tried to brake, but the other Kodiak always kept up.

"Shepard, to the left again!" Miranda shouted. "We're close."

He did what she said and she fired without mercy. "It's hit! It's losing the left engine!"

Shepard flew higher into the sky and turned the shuttle around. This time, the other shuttle didn't follow. It was struggling to keep its balance. Shepard could feel the gravity pulling them down and how a numb feeling was pressing on their ears. Shepard put the other vehicle in his sites as he flew into it as hard as he could. An old friend had shown him this trick. If necessary, you even can use the shuttle itself as a weapon. They crashed with their Kodiak into the other and pressed the other back into the Canyon and braked in front of it. The enemy shuttle flew back and crashed against a wall.

"Multiple breaches in the vessel. Engine is using its emergency power. We won't get that far with it." Shepard said gasping while he watched the other shuttle falling, burning into the deep.

"We should be able to make it to the terraforming facility before sunrise. Hide in the crowd until we can find a transport off planet ASAP." Miranda said tired and leaned against the back wall full of holes.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: A taste of luxury

Two hours later, Miranda took a seat beside Shepard and handed him a cup of coffee. Shepard took it with the shaky hand. They walked for more than an hour before they reached the facilities. He had heard from Miranda, the Alliance had started the terraforming two years ago, but before the atmosphere reached a level fit for human living, it still would take years. The air was thin and cold, soon after they left the shuttle, Shepard was freezing and shaking. His patient cloth made of thin cotton couldn't protect him from the low temperature at night and the rocky surface took its tribute on his feet.

"Come on. This will keep you warm." Miranda sat down next to him, smiling and took a swallow of a drink that looked like coffee. "I didn't know you were such a brilliant pilot. When the shuttle came down, I thought that's it for us. But you did a great job of landing that bloody thing. "

"I improvised." Shepard sat crouched in the corner of the cargo hold of a transportation ship and rolled into a blanket. "It's freezing cold on this damn moon." He shivered and drank his coffee.

The beverage tasted like toilet water but it was still the best thing, he had drunk for ages. The hot and steamy brown water ran down his throat and warmed him from the inside. Every cell in his body could feel the caffeine kicking in and he reveled in the sense of luxury. The memory of the coffee reminded him of his time on the Normandy again. And it made him think of Kaidan; when he was overlooking the Assets in the war room and his friend would walk in with a steaming cup of it. The major used to make coffee in the mess, his had a very special way to brew it and drinking Kaidan's coffee for a while, and Shepard got spoiled by it.

Shepard sipped more of the bad coffee and leaned back. "Miranda," he said quiet. "I have questions."

The black haired beauty stood up and walked up and down in the cargo hold. "I hope I can give you some answers, but I'm not sure." She said. "What do you remember before you woke up?"

Shepard looked around. There were many crates standing in the area and few other people. They looked like mine workers and sat together playing cards. The few of them were focus on their own business and ignored them. Shepard looked up to Miranda and said quietly. "Not much. I have some vague memories of the time after the catalyst." He stopped. He had the feeling, when he mentioned the catalyst, the card players stopped chatting. Miranda seemed to notice his caution and sat down next to him again.

"What do you remember?" She asked.

"It's only some blurry pictures. The Catalyst sent out the blast. I was blown away from the citadel. I remember falling through the atmosphere… it burned like hell. And then I was in water. I don't know exactly. And some French people pulled me out." Shepard spoke quietly. Miranda had to lean over to him in order to understand every word. "That was when they buried me…"

"A French fisherman found you on the shore of Normandy. He brought you to the sick bay and you fell into a coma. And then they brought you here and…"

Shepard nodded. "I remember this part. I… it was difficult… I could hear them talking. I wasn't unconscious, but… I couldn't move or open my eyes."

"A vigilant coma. Unusual for people suffering under TCS, but you were unique from the beginning." Miranda looked at Shepard closely. "How much did you understand?"

"Enough," Shepard said. "I know I'm a dead person, I know I was kept there for experiments and other things." He stopped. There was this part of memories he wanted to burn out in his mind. But he remembered. After a minute of silence, he eventually started again. "What about you? What are you doing there?"

Miranda looked around couscous and then lowered her voice to answer. "It's a long story. But short, I was contacted by the shadow broker to steal information. The facility you were in officially doesn't exist. I don't know how the broker knew about it, but in return for my service, he'll help me in my business. My first contract is to collect some data, but then I found you."

"You didn't know I'm alive?" He asked surprised. Until now, he had thought, she came here also because of him.

"No, nobody knew, not even the Shadow Broker. It was hard to stick to the plan, with knowing about you." She smiled and stoked his hand. "My original plan would include me going to the Citadel for a vacation and never to return. I just couldn't leave you there. But thank god, it worked. "

"Thanks a lot." Shepard nodded. "How did you end up working for the Shadow Broker?"

Miranda sighed and shook her head. "That's a story for another day. I only can say, he's certainly well informed."

When Shepard heard her mention the Shadow Broker, he had to ask himself, if Liara was still doing this job and if Miranda knew about that. But according to how she referred to the Broker as a "him", Shepard assume, she wasn't aware of that fact.

"The ship will take you back to Earth and here." Miranda pulled out an omni-tool chip and took Shepard's arm. Then she looked for the tiny scar in Shepard's left arm and pushed the chip under the skin. Shepard immediately activated the tool and checked everything.

"Seems to work again. I wasn't sure about it. It's been a long time since I had mine removed. I was afraid the implant spot would heal up."

Miranda giggled and shook her head. "Don't be stupid. How long are you been using omni-tools? Fifteen, twenty years? There is nothing to heal anymore." When Shepard finished his adjustment of this tool she started again. "All the IDs you need are already preset. Credits, ID and other papers. Everything you need to get back on Earth. Once you arrive Earth, you have to go meet one of the Shadow Broker's agents in London. I told him I'll send a messenger instead of meet him in person. London is their choice. There is a huge festival going on in London, and the city would be crowded with visitors, it's easy to lose your track there. You have to keep a low profile, no one must know about your identity."

"Understood. What about you?" He asked when he had the feeling Miranda was preparing him for a solo mission. "You're not coming?"

"I'm sorry, She…" She stopped before she could say his name. "John. I can't come. Earth is too dangerous for me; I have to leave on Mars."

"What's wrong?"

"It's something private." Miranda said.

"What's going on? Normal people don't work for the Shadow Broker. What is it this time?"

"John, don't push me. I had my reason to work for him." She looked into his face with the begging in her eyes.

Shepard resisted her bagging and said again. "Tell me, maybe I can help."

Miranda stood up, walked around behind the crates in deep thoughts and eventually said. "Let's go somewhere private. This isn't the right place to talk about it."

They stood up and walked out of the cargo area into a small cabin in the hallway. Miranda closed the door behind him carefully and then called up a hologram on her omni-tool showing a picture of a group of men. All of them were unfamiliar to Shepard, but they looked serious and he had the feeling, something much bigger was going one here. "Shepard, this is the current group called the Prometheans. This is the Earth ambassador on the Citadel," she pointed at a man standing in the first line on the right. "And this is the human Counselor Russo. Admiral Taylor, Dr. Green …" She counted the names of all of them. Shepard vaguely remembered to heard some of them before. "And the last, that," She pointed at a man in the corner, standing almost behind some of the others. Shepard realized he had missed him when he saw the picture the first time. "That is the Illusive Man. The group was forged after the First Contact War and remained silent for many years. I've never met any of them before but the Illusive men. Some of them died in the war but they remained powerful."

"What do they want?" He asked.

Miranda closed the picture. "I don't know. I knew what the Illusive Men wanted, but the goal of them seemed to be different. Some seek profit, some power, and other the domination in technology, but the one thing bound them together is how they called "the service to humanity". They started to come to the public after the war. Many of them donated enormous amount of their wealth to rebuilt earth and almost all of the latest medical achievements belongs to Dr. Green's companies."

"Okay, Miranda," Shepard interrupted her. "Why is this bad thing?"

"It isn't. That's the problem. First, people reacted to them with suspicion and other reacted with joy. But years of actions, nothing bad ever came from the Prometheans. And then the Shadow Broker contacted me. He sent me the dossier about this facility and my faith in them started to rattle. It seemed, the scientist there were looking for someone and they bought information from the Shadow Broker and that's how I end up there the first place, also as his agent. And I dug deep into their network. Shepard… they need to be stopped." She grabbed his arms and looked up to him. "They're planning something, and it mustn't happen!"

"Calm down, Miranda! What is it?" He asked.

Then Miranda pulled out a chip from her pocket and handed over to Shepard. "There is a snippet of the data I have collected. You can take a look at it." He did as she said, and while he was scrolling through the data she collect, every sight of color vanished from his face and he froze. He could not believe, what was on the plan.

"What do you think what they're building?" Miranda observed Shepard's face and asked.

He took a deeper look into the data. There were samples of Cloning programs, medical treatment for soldiers to develop more physical ability; biotic manipulation, tissue regeneration program, and at least Shepard overviews the Project Lazarus and the EVA recreation. It was a new program based of the research data for EDI and Dr. Eva Core; somebody salvaged it for the Cronos wreck and build on it. A true AI with unbreakable shackles would be the final product.

"Take a look at this!" Miranda pointed at another folder. Shepard looked over it. It looked like every single technology the network was researching in would end up in one single undertaking.

"No!" He gasped. "This is monstrous." He looked up to her and nodded slowly. "We have to hand it over to the Council as fast as possible! This army must not be built! Otherwise it would be too late. All our effort to defeat the synthetic life would be in vain! This will cause another war, another chaos."

"Forget the Council. The human Councilor is one of them and once he knows about it, he'll destroy its evidence and hide the whole undertaking. It's complicated, Shepard. Listen."

The man nodded.

"I don't trust the Shadow Broker and neither do I trust the Alliance. It's because of the Alliance, I had to ask the Shadow Broker for favor. Since the end of the war, I tried to start a new life with Oriana, but with the trace of an ex-Cerberus agent on my file, we couldn't stay anywhere longer before getting forced to the border of society. I need my file to be cleaned up. The Shadow Broker agreed to help in change of the data, but he'll just sell it to the most bedding one and the Prometheans are limitless in resources. I can't trust him with all of the data. Give him the sample I gave you and find another trustworthy source to share this information."

"What about you? What if the Shadow Broker refuses to clean your files?" He said a little louder.

"That's secondary. This madness need to be stopped. I can't do it myself, but maybe you can. Take the files to Kaidan. He's loyal to the military and not the politics. And the only human Spectre; he has the possibility to investigate this matter without limits. Only you can convince him to help us."

"Kaidan…" Shepard lowered his voice. Thinking about Kaidan filled his heart with joy and panic. How would he react if he shows up after three years with a conspiracy theory about the mightiest human leaders? Would he be helping them or will he think he had gone insane in his captivity?

"Shepard! Did you understand me?" She rattled his arm and asked gently.

"Yes I do."

"Good, and Shepard, there is something else. No one can know I have the data and no one can know I'm behind this. Eagle Division is certainly already looking for us, they'll think I'm your hostage, and please, if you can manage that, let them think this way. I can't risk anything that could fall back to Oriana. Once you're back on earth, you have to keep a low profile. No one must know who you are…"

"Of course. Trust me." Shepard said.

Miranda smiled. "John, this is our only chance to be free." She stepped closer to him as far as they could get. The small cabin was already very tight and now she pressed herself to Shepard and embraced him. "Last chance to change your mind?"

"Don't be stupid!" He put his finger under her face and guided it to look up to him. Then he gave her a small kiss. Miranda didn't resist.

"What was that?" She smiled, when he let her go.

"I don't know, just my way to show you some gratitude." He embraced her again. "I'm sorry about what I said early. Calling you a slut and saying you had something with me."

Miranda laughed sadly and pushed herself away from him. "It's okay Shepard. It was an emergency lie. I understand that. I wish it could be that way."

Shepard remained silent and just looked embarrassed. He didn't know what to say. The black haired beauty once told him about her feelings. Although he never had any sexual desire for any woman before, he couldn't deny Miranda's temptation on the Normand.

Miranda saw his reaction and laughed a little. "I'm sorry I made you uncomfortable. I know your heart belongs to someone else. Kaidan was a lucky man to have you." She checked her omni-tool and walked for the door. "Shepard, it's time for me to get off. Good luck on Earth!"

"Take care, Miranda." He nodded, watching her stepping out of the small chamber.

Shepard didn't know how long it had been, since he had stood on deck of an actually ship, sailing on water. The infra-structure had been damaged a lot during the war. In these parts of the world, where the money for reconstruction flowed slowly, people had to fall back on ancient forms of transportation. Only the richest could still call themselves the owner of private sky cars or shuttles. There were still faster ways to get to London but none of them were as anonymous. He wasn't used to the waves under his feet; although he was in the Alliance Navy his whole life, he spent most of his time on space ships. He looked to the horizon of the Atlantic Ocean. The endless water in front of his eyes gave him the feeling of being lost.

Maybe he was really lost. Two days ago, he said goodbye to Miranda on Mars. Only with an omni-tool in his arm, a chip with highly dangerous and incriminating evidences he set foot on Earth in a poor and broken Japanese port. Since then, he was without any orientation. Few days away, an agent of the Shadow Broker will be waiting for him, a man he had never met before. He didn't know how he could hand the data to the Alliance or how he could reach Kaidan. He only knew there was a tiny hope waiting for him in London. He watched the dark edge in the far distance, and somehow he hoped, a shape could clear up in the mist and show him the port of London, and maybe someday, he could see the port of Vancouver again; the home he had chosen for the time after the war.

He closed his jacket and pulled his hood over his head. He had managed to find some old cloths and get a scarf to covers his nose and face to avoid prying eyes. Pieces of his old Cerberus scar was glowing red from inside and already attracted too much attention.

Shepard pulled out a mini data pad and looked down at the short vid about Kaidan he found on the Iwo Jima in Japan. It was taken not long ago, a commercial video about the only human Spectre and his courage during the war. But the pad was broken and the video is stuck in the middle, frozen and not reacting to any commands. The picture showed Kaidan standing on the red carpet and smiling into the camera. Shepard stroke over the image and lifted the pad to his lips.

"I'm coming home, Kaidan. Wait for me." Shepard imagined the gentle kiss of Kaidan, and how he used to wake him up with it; he had dreamed of this moment for three years. Since he learned from the galactic news that Kaidan and the crew members of the Normandy would attend the festival in London he couldn't stop picturing their reunion. And in the last few days, he occasionally got so nervous thinking about meeting Kaidan again he even forgot his mission for a while.

How would it look like? Would Kaidan be happy to see him? Will he fall into his arms and kiss him? Shepard couldn't know. And sometimes he had even picture the other way. Kaidan had forgotten him; already found another man to share his life with. But the worst thing he pictured was Kaidan rejecting him because of the man he had become. Three years of isolation and captivity surely had done something to him. And beside that… Shepard stoke over the scars in his face. He was a mess.

Shepard was lost in his memories and longing for Kaidan when the door behind him opened and a sailor stepped out of it.

"John! Come inside! It's getting cold."

"Ah, thanks, but I think I'll just stay here for a while." He quickly put the vid-pad back to his pocket.

"Okay, if you don't come inside, I can come outside." The man stepped over the threshold and joined him on deck.

"Luke..." Shepard wanted to go away and stay alone, but the young man cut off his way.

"So tell me John, what do you want in London?" The seaman called Luke leaned against the railing and smiled at him.

His intension was obvious. Since Shepard came on board yesterday, Luke had shown interest in him. He already tried yesterday in the mess, but he was fast enough to take his meal somewhere else and finished it alone. He wasn't looking for some quick and dirty sex; he was on a mission to find his man.

"Nothing special." Shepard replied quickly and turned his glance to the distance like he was looking for something.

"Don't be shy, John." Luke came closer to him and pressed his right side against John's left. "I know you're looking for someone."

"Luke, I'm really flattered, but I'm not interested." John stepped away from the railing.

"Such a pity, I can tell, you're good, strong and..." Luke started to open his shirt. "You should visit me in my cabin."

"No thanks." Shepard gasped.

"Don't pretend you don't want it, John. I can feel your eyes on my ass ever since you came on board."

"Stop it!" He pushed Luke away and stepped to the other side of the boat. "I'm sorry!"

"Well, don't be." Luke came after him and pressed his body against him fast. Shepard wanted to step back, but he was already up against the railing.

Luke was young, well-trained, and a rare model of human beauty. His gold blond hair was long and straight. It fell naturally into his face and gave him something innocent. His body was muscular and the young man didn't miss any occasion to show it. He ran around with a white tank top and presented his body to Shepard every time he walked by. Now, the sailor stood so close to him, he could feel the heat inside him, making his own body react to it.

Luke seemed to feel it, too and took Shepard's hand to touch his ass. Oh yes, he wanted to fuck him; Luke was right, and for a split of second he really thought about it. The temptation is constantly distracting him since he walked on board. He hadn't had any physical contact with another human for the last three years and in his loneliness his only fantasy was Kaidan. When Shepard felt Luke's erection, he moaned very quietly and leaned his head back.

"Luke!" Shepard looked down and pushed him away. "I…"

"Oh, I know you want it." Luke teased and smiled seductively. He came closer to him again and put one hand on Shepard's chest and reached out the other for his mask. "What are you hiding under there?"

He reacted quickly and grabbed Luke's hand. His eyes were fixed on Luke's face and pierced him with anger. "NO!" He said.

"What could be that secret?" Luke went on his toes to be on Shepard's eyelevel.

"Scars…" Shepard said and let Luke's hand free. "You don't want to see it."

"You were a soldier, weren't you? I can tell that by your walk!" Luke pressed himself again Shepard again. "I don't care about your scars!"

He was so tempted and so greedy. He almost could hear his heart beating. Luke went on his knees and opened Shepard's pants. His cock was hard as stone, and Shepard had to hold on the railings to keep on his feet when Luke opened his mouth to suck his dick.

_No, this is wrong! _Shepard thought but also moaned. "Stop!" He said, but Luke had grabbed Shepard's ass and encouraged him to fuck his mouth. He wanted to escape and lock himself up in his cabin the whole night, until they reached London, but he needed it so badly. It had been so long since somebody sucked his cock and Luke knew what he was doing.

"God!" Shepard cursed and felt he was close. He couldn't control himself. He wanted to stop it and then he wanted to fuck Luke, until he screamed. He grabbed Luke's head and ran his finger in his hair. "God, Kaidan!" Shepard whispered and leaned against the railing. He could feel the cold wind on his face. Then he opened his eyes again and looked down. Instead of Kaidan he saw the blonde Luke. Shepard came to his senses and pushed him back. "Stop it!" he demanded. "I'm sorry… I can't!"

"What's wrong with you?" Luke looked up to him angrily. "I though you wanted it?"

"I'm sorry…" Shepard closed his pants ashamed. "I must have sent the wrong signals. I didn't mean to mislead you…"

"Whatever!" The blond man stood up and showed him his middle finger. "Asshole!" he said loud and walked inside.

Shepard stood alone in the night, the cool wind were piercing his clothing, the few t-shirts and hoodies he found weren't enough for the coming winter and the temperature had fallen rapidly in the last few days. Shepard looked at the black water and thought about what just happened. How could he bring such shame on his memories on Kaidan? How could he take some fisher slut for Kaidan and love him the way he used to love Kaidan. He cursed his greed silently.

What he cursed even more is how he wanted to have it again. He wanted to follow Luke into his cabin and fuck him the whole night. He wanted to smell the salty scent of a man; he wanted to feel the gentle and warm touch on his body, he wanted someone to penetrate him. Shepard licked over his own lips and forced himself to think of something else. But somehow he couldn't get the sailor out of his mind. He was standing on his boat, fantasizing about him. Shepard wanted to taste the virility on his tongue and he wanted to be held tight. But not by Luke, he realized soon. In his fantasy, every time Luke turned around, it would be Kaidan looking up to him and smiling.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 4: London**

_"John!" Kaidan whispered…_

_He was sitting in the evac shuttle with Liara and the engineers form Normandy. He saw how parts of the Normandy were burned out in space, where no fire lived long. The fear thrilled in his heart and made him stand up, even as the gravity of the planet below them was pulling the capsule faster. He saw how the last shuttles near the cockpit where thrown into the vacuum and caught by the gravity and he tried not to lose sight of it. There was their Commander, a dear friend and his lover. _

_The hunt for the remaining Geth after the fight against Sovereign felt like a walk on the beach and he had enjoyed every downtime minute with his CO. Although they had to hide and steal time, he loved every second he could spent with him; under the shower; in his cabin; in the men's bathroom and once even in the debriefing room. He felt relieved to see the last capsule make it away from the Normandy and at the same time he hated to see the Normandy shred into pieces where he had the privilege to serve for the last two years. _

_The Normandy had been his home even longer than for the Commander. He served under Captain Anderson before he was transferred to support the first human Spectre. It felt hard to say goodbye to his ship in this horrible way, but at least they will survive and their memories would prevail. But then he saw it. He saw HIM; a tiny floating human body in space struggling with something. Kaidan yelled Shepard's name just before they fell through the atmosphere and the burning around the capsule clouded his view. Through the fire it looked like the person floating in space was burning, too. _

_After they climbed out of their evac shuttle, they spent hours in fear and hope, before they found the other one. Kaidan couldn't remember how they found it, but when he pulled Joker out of it and saw an empty capsule behind him, if felt like the heaven had fallen on him. He screamed when an invisible force pierced through his armor and ripped his heart out of his chest. It felt like thousands of hammers smashing down on him. His knees couldn't carry his weight and he sank to the ground of the hard and rocky surface of the unknown planet. He screamed and charged his biotic in fury. He ran towards Joker, pulling him up and covered him with all the curses he could think of. If Liara wasn't there to hold him back, Joker might be a bunch of broken bones now. _

_The memories blurred away and Kaidan was pulled through time. He was standing on his ship, on Horizon, he watched the Normandy fly away, and on board the man he had loved so much. He bit his lips and punched the wall. He wished he had gone with him. An unknown jealousy grew in him. Shepard was there with an extraordinary beautiful woman. The thought, his lover was returning to the ship and would potentially share his bed with that woman or other people made him mad. _

_The picture of himself, sitting pathetically in his cabin blurred before his eyes. Like swirling colors his mind brought him to other places. Many mixed pictures of his time with Shepard appeared. He saw himself meeting him on the Normandy. He saw himself holding his hand in the Huerate Memorial. They both acted like schoolboys. They flirted like beginners and blushed often. Kaidan reached out his hand to hold those pictures, but like smoke in the air, they slipped through his fingers. _

_He saw many images of them. Kissing, touching and loving. He couldn't tell where it was, he just saw himself holding Shepard, scratching him, biting him and fucking him. He saw Shepard rising from their bed and walking away. _

_"Don't leave me behind!" He whispered but the Commander just kept walking. Kaidan wanted to run after him, but something lifted him up in the air. He screamed and screamed. He begged them to leave him there. He saw the man walking into a mass of light with determined strides until the immense light swallowed him. _

_"I'm sorry, Kaidan!" Liara's voice echoed in his head. He was kneeling on the floor and holding a data pad about Shepard in his hands. He couldn't breathe; he felt the grief grew inside him. He felt the pain mixed with guilt. It felt like someone had punched him hard in the stomach and then stabbed him in the back. He choked and grabbed the data pad harder. _

_He looked at it again to ensure he didn't misread the message first. He read the dossier about Commander John Shepard again, and stopped at the three capital letter in the status field: KIA _

_"I'm so sorry…" Liara said again. He didn't answer. He just kneeled on the ground shaking with his whole body. A blind wrath was consuming him, he tried to fight it, but he couldn't. The fury inside him like he had never known before took control of him, and he couldn't remember how the pistol got into his hand. He fired and fired again. The grief in him had turned his integrity into madness. He heard his own screams and curses in the hall of the Normandy mess echoing, and his own fingernails in his flesh. He felt the hot muzzle of his pistol on his temple when he felt down. The pain had ripped his naked soul out from his chest and taken away any happiness in his heart; he closed his eyes. Then he felt the arms of James holding him back and Garrus knocking him out, just before he pulled the trigger again. _

Kaidan was woken up by the noise form the comm and opened his eyes quickly. He tried to stand up and fell back into the chair in the Starburst Observation immediately. He could still feel the alcohol in his blood and he cursed inside and regretted not have said "no" to James's invitation to "have some cozy beers over at Steve's place". It just ended up like the last time he went out with James to the club Vertigo.

"Commander." Kaidan heard Joker's voice over the comm and stood up, this time more slowly.

"Joker?" He said.

"We are approaching the Alliance HQ, sir." Joker's voice came out his comm again.

"I'll be on the bridge in a minute." Kaidan took a deep breath and stepped out of his room. Although he had been given the captain's cabin, but he preferred to stay in the observatory. This place held in itself a peace and serenity he couldn't find elsewhere on the battleship; when they were in space, Kaidan could lose himself in the view of the stars. A few minutes later, the CO stepped into the cockpit where Joker sat alone, navigating the Normandy over the London city skyline. He looked out of the window and saw the city glowing golden in the sunset.

Kaidan had tried to avoid London since the end of the war; the majority of his Spectre business took him off planet, but he remembered every time he had to come here. The memories of the doom's day just wouldn't disappear even when he tried to distract himself with something else. He saw the conduit in the distance where three years ago a giant beam of light had connected Earth with the Citadel. Kaidan could barely look over there, but when he did, he saw himself saying goodbye to Shepard on the battlefield, not knowing, that would be the last time, he laid eyes upon his lover's face.

"Alliance Command, this is SSV Normandy, request for Landing on dock 32." Joker said in a routine.

"Normandy, this is Alliance Command. Request granted. Please hold your speed and prepare to transfer to Alliance Officer."

"Understood." Joker replied and took his hands away from the console. He turned to Kaidan and smiled. "Imagine, just six years ago, you sat there and I was here." Joker pointed at the co-pilot's seat next to him. "And now you're my CO and I'm still flying the ship."

"Yeah, we went through a lot, Joker." Kaidan said and smiled. "A little nostalgic?"

Joker gazed at him and laughed. "Na… just th…"

"Normandy, we have to redirect you to the hangar 45 on the north side because a malfunction in area 30-35. I apologize."

"Understood" Joker replied. "Transferring control to Alliance officer."

"Welcome to London, Normandy." The female voice said and Joker stood up.

He looked at Kaidan knowingly. "Sorry, now we have to stare at that piece of rock all the time." Joker pointed at the conduit.

"It's not your fault…" Kaidan said. "I just hoped to avoid that area."

"We all want to avoid it, Commander." Joker replied and sat down again.

Kaidan walked out of the cockpit, along the CIC and straight up to his cabin. He couldn't see where they were flying but it seemed he could feel where they were. He could almost see the streets beneath the building, and all the depressed feelings were coming back; the battle of London, the final run and the funeral.

The Funeral, the worst day in his life, the darkest moment in his heart. Kaidan looked out of the window and saw those streets where he had passed that day with the procession. Early that day, he received the message from the Alliance HQ; the search for Shepard had been stopped. It is assumed, his body is lost in space and the Alliance couldn't spare anymore resources to look for his remaining. Hackett himself picked him up from the hospital that day and accompanied him to the funeral himself. The Admiral must have thought, if not this way, Kaidan would refuse to leave.

He sat in the shuttle in his colonel uniform and watched the sea of people. They lined up on both side of the street and lit their candle in the wind. The Conduit, still black from the smoke of the battle, was turned into a memorial wall to honor those who had fallen. To its footstep, a podium stood on the red carpet and a big picture of Shepard in black and white hung above it. Kaidan looked over to Hackett and narrowed his eyes. He was close to cry. He refused to believe it.

When he stepped onto the empty coffin lying in the preparation center, he couldn't hold his tears anymore. If there wasn't Liara holding his hand, he could have gone mad again. The walk to the grave was the longest two-hundred meters in his life and every step felt heavy. He was glad about the rain in London, so no one could saw him cry.

Kaidan entered the captain's cabin and took off his casual uniform. He looked down to the marks on his left wrist and stoked it softly; an ugly souvenir of a closed institution. And then his hand went to his right temple, where he pointed the muzzle of his pistol to. He still didn't quite remember what happened, but he was told later by the doctors, the pain had taken control of him and it wasn't his fault, he had injured two soldiers.

He sat on the bed and buried his head in his hands. He didn't know what to do. His longing for a dead man had reached an unthinkable stage. There was not a day, he didn't think of him somehow. His therapist told him to change the décor in the Captain's cabin, but he just couldn't touch anything. He had spent the happiest time of his life inside these four walls and every time he returned here, he could feel Shepard watching over him.

"Captain?" Traynor stepped into Kaidan's cabin and said carefully. "We just landed."

"I'm coming." Kaidan stood up and walked over to his wardrobe. "Has the Asari Ambassador landed yet?"

"Yes, well, not really. Liara… I mean the Asari Ambassador just called. She said she can't make the meeting tonight. She has to take care of some other thing." Traynor made a hand gesture to the word "other" and lowered her voice. "Some Shadow Broker thing…"

"Yeah… sure." Kaidan nodded. He pulled out a clean uniform and tossed it on the bed. "What's on my schedule for tonight?"

"Official appearance as the human representative at the opening ceremony." She replied briskly.

"Oh, right." Kaidan asked. "I read something about a Museum opening tonight I have to attend…"

"It's the Memorial Museum…" She stepped down to Kaidan and showed the picture of the building to him. The building was of modern design with a statue before it, a statue of many different races. Each of them was modeled after a hero of that race. Of course, the human statue was the exact copy of Shepard. "It is basically just a huge exhibition about the Reaper war heroes and of course, about the Shepard." She added.

Kaidan made a pained gesture unintentionally and sighed quietly. Traynor noticed it and said immediately. "Should I cancel it?"

"No, don't… It would be dishonorable. It's just…" Kaidan turned his head away from the pic. "It's only a party for me to stand thought. Some shaking hands and smiling for the cameras."

Traynor stepped inside his room and stopped before him. "You don't have to, Kaidan. It's just some party."

Kaidan nodded. "I'll have to, if not for me, then for John."

Shepard leaned against an old house on the docks; he carefully placed himself in the shadow of the alley and watched the people walking by. He had no idea where to turn after he came on shore. The smell of rot and dirt that covered the London docks kind of made him feel like he was coming home. Back to civilization, back on Earth. The crowded streets and alleyways of the southern Themes dock were full of travelers, pilgrims and seedy people of all types. The festival had attracted all kind of aliens to Earth and even an Elcore was amount them.

He pulled the black hood over his head, and straightened up his collar to protect himself from the cold wind. The summer was long over; fall was in the air and Shepard could already smell the first scent of winter. It had been a long time since he actually spent a winter on Earth. There were no seasons on space stations, and when he was on board a war ship, the passage of time was only marked in the form of scars and wrinkles.

He watched the people around the area and checked the time. It was late afternoon, the sun had disappeared behind the houses and he was just hoping the agent of the Shadow Broker was still around. He looked around, searching for something, when a very young man with red hair and freckles abruptly turned into the alley. He stepped into the shadows with Shepard and pretended not to notice him. He scanned the area with a device he was carrying and when the tiny green light blinked, he turned around to Shepard and starred at him closely.

"You Miranda's man?" He asked without taking his gaze from Shepard. He stared back at the boy. His blue-green eyes seemed to be so deep and bright, Shepard could almost see his own reflection. And then he believed he saw something else.

"Maybe…" Shepard answered clearly and made sure his face remained in the shadows.

The young man waited a second and said emotionlessly. "Give me the Data. Thank you for your service."

"I want to talk to the Shadow Broker first." Shepard said.

"Don't worry. The Shadow Broker will keep his word. Now give me the data." The young man said eagerly and stepped closer to Shepard. He still didn't turn his glance from Shepard once, and now, Shepard could see something strange in his eyes. It was glowing and … it was scanning him.

Shepard stepped out of the shadow and placed his face inches before the boy's. "I assume those are camera lenses… and the Shadow Broker is watching directly, isn't she?"

The boy started breathing fast and Shepard could see fear and confusion in his face. When he looked away from Shepard's face, he knew he was right. He grabbed the face of the boy and looked him in the eyes and whispered. "Hello, old friend…" Then he pushed the boy a step away and waited. If he was right; if Liara was still the Shadow Broker, she'll wants to see him.

The boy looked down, whispering something into his comm while he gazed over to Shepard a few times. Shepard tried to listen in on the conversation when the engines of a ship above them drowned out everything. Many people raised their heads to watch something in the sky and Shepard joined them. He looked at the sky over the river, and soon he heard the cheering. Seconds later, a masterpiece of a space warship flew over his head. The SSV Normandy, the crown jewel of the Alliance fleet. This ship become the most famous vessel in the Galaxy, maybe even better known than the Destiny Ascension; it was the pinnacle of science and technology; a symbol of strength and, that ship was his home.

His eyes wetted from a piercing longing in his guts. He watched the four-cored ship fly over the river towards the Alliance HQ in the distance, and he wished the last three years never happened, and he hadn't fallen from the Catalyst. Then he'd still be the captain of the Normandy, serving with the finest crew from all the different galactic races and he would still be able to spend his nights with Kaidan. But things didn't happen the way he wished. Kaidan was now the only human Spectre and the commanding officer of the Normandy, crossing the Galaxy as an autonomous council cell. And who was John Shepard? He was a nobody now, a dead man on the run with nothing in his pockets and no allies. Not yet.

Shepard was still watching the Normandy when the boy tapped on his shoulder. "The Shadow Broker is awaiting you. Follow me." He led the way away from the docks and a block later a black sky car sat waiting for them. The young man slid behind the console and Shepard followed.

"Are you even old enough to drive?" He joked when he closed the door.

"Don't be deceived by my appearance. It's not my true face, but looking young makes it easier to move in London's streets. So many homeless kids and teenagers out there, no one would notice one." The boy started the console with a routine and took off. He looked over to Shepard once they were in the air and reached out his hand.

"I'm Matt, Liara's man on earth. It is an honor to meet you; I don't often meet a man knowing the Shadow Broker in person. Are you friends?"

"More than that." Shepard said and looked out of the window.


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6: The third anniversary**

"What's wrong?" Kaidan stepped to Liara's side and held her arm after the Salarian Ambassador walked away. "Why are you avoiding me?"

"Kaidan, I'm not." She replied quickly and stepped back from Kaidan. "I have to take care of some business first."

"That's why you dumped me yesterday and at the Parade this morning, you barely looked at me. And after, you just walked away with Hackett, am I missing something here?" Kaidan seemed upset. But what he said was the truth.

Liara couldn't look him in the eyes and tried to change to the topic. She looked around the celebration room. She almost whispered. "Kaidan, I'm so sorry about the appointment. I just have to wrap my head around something."

"What is it? You know I can help." Kaidan took his hand from Liara and then signed.

"That's not necessary, Colonel." She looked around, and her eyes met with those from Hackett. The Admiral was standing by the human Councilor Roberto Russo, a small man in his sixties. The biggest rising political star after the Reaper war, a former diplomat on the Citadel, working for the galactic Finance section and during the time of chaos, he could prove himself worthy of the position. The Council formally wanted Hackett for the position, but since the rebuilding the Alliance Military had taken all his time, Steven Hackett had to turn down the offer with the utmost reluctance.

Hackett stared at Liara and shook his head softly. Liara understood what he meant and nodded slowly. She turned back to Kaidan and stroked his arm. "I'm sorry, I canceled the dinner. I'll make it up to you. Since I'm Thessia's ambassador, I'll be on Earth for a while." She said gently.

Kaidan screwed up his eyes. "It's not about you and me, is it? There is something else going on. I'm not stupid. I know about your relationship with Hackett. First you canceled our meeting and then both of you were missing at the opening ceremony. And I saw you talking to him this morning. Last time you had so much contact with him, you found the blueprint for the Citadel. What is it this time?"

Liara stepped back, holding her drink in her hand hard. "Okay, you're right. I didn't come, because I was meeting the Admiral. But there is absolutely nothing to worry about. I'm the Ambassador from Thessia and the Asaris are the most advanced civilization in the Galaxy. Hackett is planning to adapt some Asari tech to push the human military forward. There is nothing special about it." Liara said it rapidly. "Why are you so suspicious?"

"Stop bullshitting me, Liara. We've been friends for a long time. And I really appreciate your being there for me after John died, but if you're planning something. You better let me know." Kaidan said with his voice determined and sharp.

"Please Kaidan. You're making me uncomfortable." She shifted her weight from one leg to the other. But Kaidan was looking at her grimly. Liara's heart started beating harder. She regretted not have planned it better. After Matt brought the cargo to her, she was so happy when his identity was confirmed. She became sentimental and fell into his arm and cried. She thought, she'll never see him again, when they said goodbye before the final assault, but then, out of nowhere, he was standing in front of her in flesh and blood; with data of immense value with him. For the first time in her Shadow Broker career, she didn't know what she should do with the info, but pass it on to Admiral Hackett. Shepard had explained Miranda's mistrust with the Alliance, but Liara could convince him to consult Hackett in a personal level, not as the representative of the Alliance Military. She felt bad, when she didn't contacted Kaidan and asked him to join, because it's Kaidan's boyfriend they were secretly meeting. But Hackett could come up with excuses for Kaidan's absence. She remembered Shepard didn't really buy it, but didn't ask further when they promised to set up a meeting in secure environment.

"Liara! Answer me! What was that important?" Kaidan grabbed her arm again and shock it soft.

"I'm sorry. I was just thinking." She hesitated. "I'm sorry. I can't tell you. It's confidential, Kaidan. Please understand my situation. My support for the Council is unofficial. My information cannot be confirmed. You know…"

"The Council?" Kaidan interrupted her sharp. "If the Council has some concerns, wouldn't they call their Spectres? What is going on here?"

"I'm sorry, Kaidan. I've already said too much. But just let me wrap it up this way; one of my agents passed me some data of importance and I had to contact Hackett. I'm sure, if you should be involved, the Council or the Alliance will brief you. But I can't do that for them."

Kaidan thought about that a while and then backed off. "I… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have forced you. Your Broker business is none of my concern. I was just…"

Liara signed relieved. "I know… I shouldn't have let you down yesterday. Honestly… I didn't want to go to that opening. They had one on Thessia last month and it was horrible, so… I called Hackett to ask for a meeting. We could have done it anytime else, but…"

"Why didn't you just tell me that? I could have joined you, and then I could have spared myself the torture…" Kaidan looked at her with accusation.

"Was it so hard?" Liara asked, holding the drink to her lips. When the sweet alcohol touched her tongue and lips, she realized how dry her mouth was.

Kaidan remained silent and nodded. He looked around in the room, an old building from the 19th century. It was a miracle this place wasn't destroyed. The Reapers hit London hard. Thousands of people hid in the many churches and palaces in the city, and after the attack, most of them were just piles of ashes. They were standing in a house of a noble man three centuries ago and now the official reception room of the Alliance in London. All representatives of every race in the galaxy were gathered in the same room and they were chatting. This day, more politics would be done than in any other Council hearing.

His eyes crossed the room and found Grunt and Garrus standing in the corner, holding their drinks in their hands, looking grim. Liara followed Kaidan's gaze across the room and saw the strange shadow covering more of her friends. She couldn't stop thinking the ceremony yesterday had laid a melancholic layer over each of them. When Kaidan looked at her again, she could see the sorrow in his eyes, just as those days right after the war.

Then Kaidan turned back to Liara and looked at her. "It was sad and strange yesterday. I mean, those were people we really knew. We served with them, fought with them and… we drank with them. We knew them as real people. Human or not, we got to know them each in their different way, but yesterday." Kaidan walked slowly to the window and Liara followed him. "But yesterday, for the first time, I saw them with the eyes of the Galaxy. I saw John as the world had seen him. He was so much more… more than life, more than anything. He was such a goddam hero that I don't even know if I really knew him…"

"That's not how he is, Kaidan." Liara leaned over to him and whispered. "You are the only one, who really knows how really he is. I mean was!" Liara corrected herself quickly.

Kaidan looked at her for a surprised moment and then signed. "Yeah, it's still hard to believe he's dead. Yesterday at the memorial, it looked like, he was so inaccessible, invincible and… maybe immortal. And that's how I felt. I have the feeling; he's still out there…"

"Kaidan…" Liara moaned.

"It's alright. I know, I know. I have to accept it. It has been … how many… three years? We buried him together and all of us cried for him. And I have to get over it and move on… it's just not easy."

"I understand you." Liara said quietly and put her hand on his. They looked out of the window in silence for a while when they heard the half-drunk Garrus behind them.

"Hey, you love birdies! Why… so… sad!" He raised his drink and touched Liara and Kaidan's glasses.

"Don't call me that!" Liara said a little bit upset.

"How can I not! You both would have had a great couple. Sad the affair was so short." Garrus laughed.

Liara signed. "I'm trying to forget that. That was a mistake." Liara looked over to Kaidan. "No offense, Kaidan, but that was wrong…"

"None taken." Kaidan answered and forced himself to smile. Garrus finished his drink and both Liara and Kaidan only sipped on theirs. Kaidan wasn't in the mood for drinking and Liara was too nervous to. She had already slipped and almost mentioned Shepard's alive and she couldn't possibly risk saying more.

"C'mon!" Garrus put his arm around Kaidan. "Colonel Spectre! We have to drink to this! The third anniversary of Shepard's death! We have to drink to honor him! I asked him to meet me at the bar when we both don't make it, but sadly I did. So we have to drink for him here!"

Kaidan pressed his lips together when Garrus mentioned it again but he pretended he felt nothing. But when the Turian General mentioned his John and the funeral on this day three years ago, it felt like something just pierced his heart.

"Of course!" Kaidan whispered and raised his drink to the toast when James Vega shouted.

"Hold!" He came towards them with a tray of the finest tequila from Mexico, and behind him Kaidan saw almost the whole crew of the Normandy. Of course they were there. They were heroes. Grunt, the commander of the Krogan elite troop, followed behind their Clan leader, Urdnot Wrex. They came towards them by pushing people out of their way. Tali, the youngest Admiral of the Migrant fleet and the first Mayor on Rannoch, stepped to Garrus' side and held his hand. Kaidan smiled when he saw both of them. At least, Samantha Traynor and Joker joined their lines with Javik and each of them took a shot from James' tray, until there was only one left.

Garrus took the last shot and gave it to Kaidan. He knew what he should do with that. They raised their hands with the shots in the air and said all together.

"To John Shepard!" Kaidan took the second drink in his hand and spilled it on the floor. The white booze felt on the three hundred year old carpet on the floor, but that didn't matter in that moment. Then all of them poured the drink with salt and lemon down their throat. The schnapps burned in his body and warmed his heart for a split of second. But right after it, all of them felt it and realized it.

Shepard was the man holding them together, and with him gone, the empty spot he left behind could not be filled with anything else. But they still could try to cover it with booze. Kaidan had been here before. Every year at this time, it was hard for him to stay sober for days. Last year, when they had the ceremony on Thessia, he had filled himself with so much Asari wine he could barely find the Normandy. And it looked like this time, Garrus and James decided to do the same thing.

They toasted one drink after another. All of them, high ranked military officer or politician acted like a bunch of uncivilized drunkards. But they didn't care. This was their day, they all gathered to honor the dead, and not to talk politics or celebrate a feast. Even Liara stopped caring about the other people around them after few drinks.

Once in a while, someone would come over and ask for pictures or autographs, and every time, when they posed for pictures, Tali would make a hologram on her omni-Tool showing Shepard in some funny pose. They even went so far to show Shepard's dancing hologram they took on the Citadel and played it on loop.

"Things have changed!" Garrus said after another shot. "Remember the first time we were here?"

"That cold and rainy day?" Joker said. "It made my bones hurt like hell!"

"Yeah!" Tali said. "I remember the candle. I'd never seen candles before. It was beautiful, the ocean of people, each one holding a candle!"

Kaidan also nodded. Garrus continued as he grabbed another shot as a waiter came with the tray "How sad people were on that day, and how happy they were at today's Parade! They…"

Samantha interrupted Garrus. "Of course people were sad! That was Shepard's funeral!"

When they laughed and talked about today's Parade and the first, Kaidan had to think about that day even when he didn't want to. The state funeral for Commander Shepard was placed on the first Victory memorial. Kaidan didn't want to but he couldn't said no to a direct order. And eventually they stood there, Liara, Garrus, Tali, Javik and Wrex. They carried Shepard's coffin with pride and respect; road to the hero's tomb was long and the box heavy.

"To Shepard!" They shouted again and drank more hard stuff. Kaidan was already feeling warm inside and the noise around him started to blur into a constant ambient sound. Some other people had joined their circle. Kaidan guessed it must be the funny stories they were telling about their time on the Normandy that attracted them.

Liara stood the entire time next to Kaidan, like they could feel each other's melancholia. Kaidan listened to all of their jokes and stories. Some of them were familiar to him, but some of them were strange. Now he regretted more than ever, that he hadn't joined Shepard in the fight against the Collectors. He joined Liara at the window and touched her hand gently.

"I missed you." He said softly. "Can I…" but before he could finish, Liara straightened up and pulled her hand away from him. She stared out of the window where a black sky car just landed. A red-haired man stepped out of the car and Kaidan could see a dark figure on the back seat. The man looked directly at Liara and made a head gesture to point at the car. Liara immediately left her drink on the windowsill and turned around.

"Sorry, Kaidan. I have to go." She didn't give him time to say goodbye and walked quickly for the door. On her way, she looked over the room and tried to find Hackett. When she found him, she nodded and typed something on her omni-tool before running out.

"Wait, Liara!" Kaidan ran after her immediately.

It was already very late, the street was lit with old lanterns and the warm yellow light was weak. It was silent, and cold. Kaidan shivered when he stepped out of the door. He walked fast behind Liara and caught her just before she got into the car. The other man already sat behind the console and started the engine.

"Wait!" Kaidan shouted. "Hey, why the hurry?"

"Sorry, Kaidan. It's some urgent business." Liara moved a little away from the car.

"When can we meet again?" Kaidan asked gently and in the corner of his eyes, he could see the feet of the man on the back seat. He seemed to be impatient and agitated. He was arguing with the driver whispering and Kaidan believed he heard a few words.

"I'll contact you. But I really have to go now." Liara's voice was urgent and she seemed to be in a hurry and she couldn't hide that she looked back at the car many times.

"Fine…" Kaidan said unconvinced. The windows of the black car were darkened so he couldn't see anything through them, but the argument inside the car started to grow louder. He heard the driver saying things like "you can't" and the word "mission". And the other man said something about "doesn't matter". It seemed the man on the backseat wanted to get out of the car, and the driver was trying hard to keep him where he was.

Kaidan looked at the car and then Liara. "I hope you didn't kidnap somebody."

"Of course not!" She replied upset but then smiled when she understood Kaidan wasn't serious.

"You mind I take a look at it?" Kaidan said joking and smirked at Liara.

Liara smiled back and walked towards the front door. "I guess you can't. My diplomatic immunity forbids you to look inside." She stepped into the car and closed the door. Then she opened the window of the car when it took off slowly and waved at Kaidan. "Good night, Kaidan."

"Sleep well, my love!" Kaidan answered, watching her fly away.

"I'm sorry, John." Liara said when she saw Shepard's sad face in mirror. The sky car rose higher and higher and Shepard watched the man standing on the street becoming smaller and smaller.

"You have some explaining to do, Liara" Shepard whispered and avoided Liara's eyes. "I'm not buying Hackett's story. He doesn't seem to be busy. What is it? Why can't he be involved?"

Liara looked at Shepard watching the tiny man standing on the street disappearing behind houses and sighed. "The Admiral doesn't trust him." She said calm.

Shepard narrowed his eyes. "Hackett doesn't trust Kaidan? What happened?"

"A lot." She checked her omni-tool and nodded in Matt's direction. "After your death… he… Well Shepard, that's something you better ask him yourself, when you meet him, but fact is, after he returned to active duty, he dissociated himself from the Alliance. Since then, his work for the Alliance became only a matter of representation, Kaidan concentrated on his Spectre business and he has a better relationship to the Councilor than to Hackett."

"But Kaidan's loyalty to the Alliance is unquestionable, how can Hackett not trust him?" Shepard asked surprised.

Liara signed. "He was loyal once. After he read the full report of your death, Kaidan started to question its finality. He wanted the Alliance to build a search commission; he refuse to accept your death without any physical proof. But the Alliance turned him down, telling him, a dead hero is better for the Alliance Image. I think that was the point, when Kaidan started to lose his faith in the Alliance."

Shepard shook his head. "I can't believe this!"

"I think Hackett doesn't want to risk anything when it comes to Alliance against the Council. And he's afraid, well actually he's certain, Kaidan would stand on the Councilor's side."

"No, Liara! If Kaidan sees the proof, he'll never support it." Shepard said a little bit louder and Matt glanced into the mirror at him.

"I hope so. But until we have the prove for the involvement of the Prometheans, we can't risk anything." Liara said,

Shepard wanted to say something to convince Liara, but then changed his mind. It was better no to take any risks. "You're right. The mission comes first."

"I'm glad you understand that." She smiled. "So, what is that important you must to speak to me?"

Shepard pointed at Matt. "I didn't. Matt wanted to talk to you."

"I'm sorry to bother you, Milady. But we just got words. Some mercs followed Shepard to Earth. They landed this morning in Australia. But they moved on quickly, two hours ago, my men in France just the status, the mercs were on their way to London. I got some people to spread rumors about the ship Shepard came with and maybe we can win some time and let his trails end there. But it's best to get the cargo out of London."

"Very well." Liara checked her omni-tool on an arriving message and read it fast. "I just got word from Hackett. He has set up a safe place. I'm sending you with the cargo to Vancouver and you will meet me once you arrive. I'll travel to Neo Vancouver in two days when the business is over here. He's your responsibility, now." Liara said when Matt navigated the Sky Car on to the roof of her hotel.

"I won't disappoint you, Milady." Matt said and stepped out. He ran around the front part of the car and opened the door for Liara. Before the Asari got out, she turned around to Shepard and held his hand.

"We'll meet again. I'm so glad you're here, Shepard!"

"I'm glad, too, Liara. I'll stay safe." Shepard said and let her hand go. "And take care."

Liara gave him a grateful smile and got out. She told Matt something before she went directly to the elevator. When she disappeared behind the metal doors, Matt got back in the car and started the engines again.

"Okay, dear passenger. Unfortunately the ride with air diplomatic is over, and we have to change to public transportation at the next stop. Please enjoy the last part of your private journey." He closed the door and took off.

Shepard had to laugh and leaned back in his seat. "Why are you calling Liara Milady'? Isn't that a little old fashioned?"

Matt smiled and looked into the mirror to Shepard. "That was long time ago. She saved my life back on Ilium. I was a slave to the Batarians when she rescued me. She pretended to buy some, and when she came on board, she insisted everyone call her in an honorable way. And I called her Milady. Since I started to work for her, I kept that way."

"You're in love with her, aren't you?" Shepard looked at the young boy, how his face became red and soon his whole head.

"No…no...no..." he choked.

"There is no need to lie. I won't tell her." Shepard laughed.

"You won't?" Matt asked.

"Of course not. Every man on board the Normandy had a least a crush on her once… if you look at such rare beauty, it isn't such a surprise, is it."

"Everyone? Including you?" Matt said teasing.

Shepard looked at him sharply and then smiled. "No. I… I was hitting on someone else." Shepard looked out of the window.

"I guess that was Kaidan Alenko?"

Shepard opened his mouth to say something, but then closed it. He just nodded slowly.

"It's okay. Almost everyone knows your story. The love story between Commander Shepard and Major Alenko is legendary!" Matt made some hand signs in the air saying the title. "You two were compared to many famous couples. Achilles and Patrokles, Alexander and Hephaistion, even Gilgamesh and Enkido. You're the modern Romeo and Juliet, well Julio in this case."

"It wasn't half that romantic." Shepard said dry. "It was mostly fighting, watching each other's back and stealing time. But if you don't mind, Matt, let's not talk about that."

"Yes, sir!" Matt obeyed.


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Vancouver fall

Four days later, Matt and Shepard finally arrived at Vancouver Harbor. The trip took them half way across the globe, and they took the longest possible route from London to North America. They crossed Europe on freighters and trains; and it seemed very slow to use transportation that only went three hundred miles an hour. It felt like an eternity later when the transpacific shuttle finally landed in San Francisco.

He had spent almost half of his life in San Francisco, until he was finally old enough to enlist, and since then he had never returned to the place of his childhood. A feeling of nostalgia made him want to go to the places of his youth, to check out the slums, but time was short and Liara was waiting for them. Matt rented a shuttle in San Francisco and they didn't stop until they saw the skyline of Vancouver.

"Here we are!" Matt said when they arrived at the coordinates of the address Liara had sent. "Only a few minutes left until we arrive at our final destination."

"I'm eager to see my new cell." Shepard said sarcastically. He had lost his fondness for this plan after he heard it from Matt, once they arrived at his "apartment", Hackett ordered to keep him home as much as possible, which basically meant, he wasn't allowed to leave, at all. Hackett didn't want to risk anyone finding out about him, so he was under house arrest for the time being. "How good, I won't be in a lab this time."

"John, we've been over this before. I told you. It's only temporary, until the mission is over, it will only take you few days, two weeks maximum!"

"Of course." Shepard replied, annoyed. "The Shadow Broker is already working on the data, and it's only a matter of time, until he finds enough evidence to prove it to the council, and then, I'm a free man… blah blah blah. I know…"

Liara were at least kind enough to assign Matt to keep him company; the only person on earth beside Liara and Hackett he was allowed to have contact with. The young man didn't look that young now; he had changed his clothing, as well as his way of moving and speech, so he now was just any normal citizen. Shepard was amazed by his professionalism in everything he did, even on the run. He always made sure no one could trace their steps and he managed to make the trip for him as comfortable as possible, but still, the idea of returning to the Alliance, but being locked away for an indefinite period of time just made him mad.

Like the young agent promised, they arrived at a noble looking apartment building a few minutes later. It was a new structure, built after the war; it stood twenty-four stories and overlooked the Neo Vancouver skyline. Shepard entered his apartment in the 20th floor and stepped to the wide window, separating him from the balcony.

"Last time I looked at the English Bay, the city was crawling with husks. It's unbelievable how it looks now, like the war never happened." He said looking at the rising sun and turned around to Matt. "Where are you staying?"

"Next door. Milady thought it would be better to leave you some privacy." Matt said smiling and put some boxes on the table few steps away from the entrance door. "Some cloth to change."

Shepard turned away from the window. "If you're not staying here, so who's going to babysit me?" He laughed.

"I hope nobody." Another voice came from the door and Shepard just saw Admiral Hackett stepping into the doorway. Shepard saluted immediately.

"Commander!" Hackett reached out his hand to greet him and Shepard took it. "We're not locking you up, but everything you do can jeopardize the mission. I hope we don't have to put you under surveillance. You're a very wanted man, and there are mercs behind you. I hope you understand the importance of this mission."

Shepard nodded. "Yes, sir!"

"As your superior officer, I command you to not risk anything. Especially don't try to get in touch with your crew. All of them are closely watched by the press and your appearance on their doorstep can reveal your location."

"I understand, sir. I'll do whatever I can." Shepard said.

Hackett nodded. "I acknowledge that, but you can help us more by staying under the radar. Liara is working on gathering the evidence. Once we have absolute proof of Russo's involvement, we'll present it to the Council and Ms. Lawson can join us with the full data. But before that, we have to keep it a secret. "

"Sir, permission to speak freely?" Shepard asked.

"Permission granted, soldier."

"Why not ask a Council Spectre for help?"

"You're thinking of Spectre Alenko?"

"Yes, sir." Shepard answered.

"We could, but the Spectre is too well connected to Councilor Russo, who is the leader of the Prometheans, I guess, you're already heard of them. Until we aren't sure who is behind all this it's too risky to brief Alenko. The whole operation has to stay a secret until we strike."

"I understand. What happens to Miranda Lawson after this?" Shepard asked.

Hackett nodded. "We accepted her conditions, when the operation is done, she can start over. The Shadow Broker has already ordered to ensure her and her sister's safety."

"Thank you, sir." Shepard nodded.

"Very well, Commander." Hackett walked towards the door with Shepard at his side. "Stay incognito and get yourself in shape. We'll need you in top form when we present you and the data to the Council."

With no fanfare, the Admiral left his apartment. Matt stood in the corner the whole time and, Shepard assumed, took notes to send to the Shadow Broker. Soon after the door closed behind Hackett, the young man gathered his stuff and headed for the door.

"Take care, Commander. Enjoy your freedom, but don't worry, I'll be watching you." And then he stepped out of the door.

Shepard went to the door, thin in comparison to the vault door he had seen from inside for so long. He pressed his ear to the metal and tried to listen outside. He could hear other people walking down the corridor and he had to smile. To know he could just open it and walk outside, without any man in armor beat him down made him feel safe a little more, but then he felt the uncertainty. What if there was someone? What if Hackett left some soldiers to guard his door without telling him? He stepped back from the door and just watched the metal and his vague reflection in its shining surface. He was afraid to show his face to the outside, as long as he was inside, he was safe.

He walked around his apartment. It was modern, new and shiny. It looked like nobody had ever lived here before. He found food in the fridge and fresh uniforms in his drawers. He tossed himself on the soft bed and looked at the ceiling. This would be his new cell, comfortable and clean. At least he had real sunlight shining through his window and if he wanted, he could step on the large balcony and feel the wind on his skin. The house he was living was built to guarantee maximum privacy and there was no possibility, any neighbor could see him. And if there was no one on the other side of the bay looking at him with a binocular, he'll never be noticed.

Shepard took off all his cloth and walked completely naked through the room. He lied on the floor with the dark parquet and he tried to mark that feel into his mind. If that was a dream, he wanted these impressions to be memorable. After a while he stood up and walked on his balcony. A dark cloud started to gather on the sky and he was so happy when he could smell the rain. The clouds had covered the sunlight and when it started raining, Shepard cheered joyfully when he felt the rain on his skin. He didn't care, if his den was getting wetted by the raindrops, he wanted to cover himself in nature. He was finally free. Although not fully free, but he was back in the freedom. He cried in the rain and cursed once again the men, who kept him locked down for so long.

Time started to blur into each other. He'll wake up when the sunlight fell on his face. He'll go to bed when he was tired. The interpersonal contact was kept to the minimum. Matt did his best to look after him every day, when he was finished with his official work for Liara. As long as she was on Earth, Matt took over the job as her assistant. It gave him the possibility to overlook the Broker's business for her and still close to her. He'll bring food home and they'll eat together and Matt would tell him stories from outside.

First Hackett and Liara wanted to keep Shepard offline, but after a week, Matt convinced them to grant him at least the limited access to the extranet. He needed to catch up with the world and he really couldn't sit there whole night and tell stories. The cycle of day and night lost its meaning for him. The strange environment and the sudden freedom first mesmerized him, but then scared him. Shepard couldn't take things as they were. He didn't know what to do with his time. Suffering with nightmares, it was hard for him to sleep at night. Matt organized medication for him, but Shepard refused to take any kind of meds to him anymore, he rather took on the nightmares than another drugs minute.

His spent his night browsing through the extranet to catch up on everything he had missed and he spent his days with training. He pushed his body it its possible limit and the aching muscles were the achievements of his determination. Although he regained a proper shape soon, every look into the mirror still scratched on his self-confidence. The scars weren't healing as fast as his muscles grew. It would take him years to finish his fully facial reconstruction. Half of his face was still covered in soft pink burning scars and on the other cheek, the red glowing Cerberus scars glowed from inside. He couldn't change his appearance out of fear he could be recognized if he did decide to take a walk outside.

Sometimes the isolation made him so made, he just unlocked his door and walked out of his apartment. But he never made further than the elevator, before Hackett's voice in his head warned him to go back. He had so many questions once he regained the freedom. What was he doing here? What was the purpose of the mission? Why was he still alive? He had told Hackett about the illusive path of the galaxy when anyone recreates the synthetic life form again, but that was all. There is nothing else to say or to do.

Once he took his mind off the mission and accepted the fact, he couldn't do anything but prepare for the strike, he couldn't stop thinking of Kaidan. He spent the time online and read everything he could get about Kaidan. But he didn't liked what he saw.

The Kaidan presented by the press was a playboy, a lady's man and a rising star. There were tons of stories about different affairs with human celebrities and other races, and even rumors about his relationship with Liara. He felt jealousy when he read that. He had smashed his console to the corner of the room just to pick it up minute later to keep reading. He didn't believed anything and internally he blamed the tabloid for making thinks up. But he didn't stop. Shepard had to laugh when he saw the vid about Kaidan and Blasto, but the more he watched about him, the more he longed to see him. Joy and doubt merged into each other in those days, at one moment Shepard missed Kaidan so much he couldn't stand it anymore but to comfort himself with thoughts of his beloved friend; and in the next moment, his fear of being rejected by Kaidan could tear him apart. Although the days in his apartment had been so different than the days in the facility, he was still thousand miles away from Kaidan.

Liara stood in her office and spoke on the comm. "… …. I understand, sir, but keeping the cargo there is not a final solution. It has been four weeks but I still need more time. I'm onto something… " She stopped for a while to listen. "Yes, at least, he's taking a walk outside sometimes, it will do some good to break his isolation. I'm going over tonight to see him and meet you there, sir… wait…I have to go, someone is coming." She severed the connection and turned around quickly.

Her assistant came inside with an Alliance officer following and apologized. "I'm sorry, Doctor, he insisted…"

"Kaidan!" Liara looked up from her desk, surprised. She subtly closed some windows on her console. "I didn't expect you here…"

"I thought I would come and surprise you, and as I see, I did surprise you, and not in a good way..." Kaidan came towards her and gave her a gentle kiss on her check. "But, hey, let's grab some food together."

"I can't, Kaidan. I already have an appointment, tonight." Liara said apologizing. "I wish I could, but…"

"It's okay, I understand. Work, right?" Liara nodded and Kaidan smiled and smirked. "Sorry, what was I thinking? Just drop in and take you out to dinner… of course. I should have known; you're very busy these days…"

"I'm sorry, Kaidan." Liara checked her calendar and then closed the console. "I wish I could just cancel it and go for a meal. But… this is important…"

"Sure… no problem. Are you leaving now?"

Liara nodded.

"Okay, then!" Kaidan walked to the door with her. "I'll drop you off on my way. So we can at least catch up on something."

"Oh, there is no need. My assistant will drive me." Liara pointed at the red-haired young man at the door.

"Give him a day, off. I can drive you." Kaidan said. "I insist. I haven't seen you for a month. Since London, actually."

"Fine." Liara finally agreed gently. "Go ahead. I'll be right behind you."

Kaidan walked out of the door and Liara called Matt to her. She whispered something in his ear and handed a data pad over to him. Then she left her office.

The ride in Kaidan's wine red sky car was short but they enjoyed it. Kaidan told Liara about the latest stories and curiosity of the Citadel. And Liara had to laugh loud when he told about the doppelgänger running around all over the Citadel. A Salarian doctor had opened a clinic on the presidium and since then, he's the most visited plastic surgeon on the citadel. He praised himself to be the best when it comes to the faces of the heroes. But the Salarian doctor was better in shaping Asari faces than humans. When he took a drink in purgatory, he really thought, it was Liara dancing there on the pole. The models of the Normandy crew looked not like them at all; all the Shepard he met just looked like… Kaidan didn't know how to describe them. Maybe it was just him being too picky. And at least he was tempted to ask Liara, if his haircut really looked at ridiculous, judging by all the Kaidans he ran into.

Fifteen minutes later, Kaidan dropped Liara off on the boardwalk of the English bay. "Are you sure, this is far enough?" Kaidan asked before she got out.

"Yes, I'm sure. I need a little bit of discretion for my job." She answered smiling. Then she put on a aquamarine cloak, the latest Earth fashion color and covered her head-bones with a white silk scarf. It was already mid-October and it was only a matter of days before the Canadian winter came over them. "Thank you for the ride. Next time, tell me when you're coming, so I can take time to grab some food with you."

"Yeah, sounds good." Kaidan said and let Liara get out of the car. She walked down the road gracefully. The wind let the seam of her cloak flutter in the wind and Kaidan just sat there, watching her silhouette disappear into the distance. He loved the sight of the Asari's grace, since he first saw her at the dig site, he kind of had a crush on her. He even thought about getting to know her better and see what then happens, but then Shepard started flirting with him, and that just conquered him and robbed his hear. But now, he finally could admit his affection for his longtime friend. Kaidan smiled softly when he thought about himself with Liara. The affair after Shepard's death was a rushed decision, their own therapy to deal with his death, but now, matured and clear about themselves, Kaidan could think of it. Maybe it would help him to find his place in life.

He was just about to start the engine when saw a familiar figure coming from the direction Liara just went. The man looking like Admiral Hackett, and was dressed in dark pants and a very old brown cloak with a hat pulled low over his face. But Kaidan could tell it was him. The man walked toward him and then turned left abruptly. A few stepped later; he looked around and then leaned against a tree in the shade.

Kaidan watched him suspiciously. Suddenly he had to think of Liara's business back in London. She had been doing stuff with the Admiral and they were trying to hide something. He internally called himself a fool, when he believed her story about official business, but this couldn't be an coincidence. A few minutes later, a black sky car with tinted windows landed next to him and opened the window. Kaidan could catch a glance at the driver; it was the red-haired man from Liara's office earlier. They both talked for a minute and the red-haired man handed something over to Hackett and closed the window again. Hackett put the data-pad under his cloak and stepped away through the trees. Kaidan watched the black sky car fly away right after Hackett disappeared.

Kaidan couldn't stop thinking that something wrong was going on here. Why should Hackett meet Liara's assistant? If he wanted to have the Ambassador's advice he would just have to make an appointment. And why was Hackett dressed up like some old man. Kaidan stepped out of his car and walked slowly in the direction Liara went.

On his left was the open boardwalk, the English bay was lying in front of him, and a bunch of new apartment buildings were standing to his right. He had heard of these buildings. Single officers and young politicians were fighting to get one and it was officially the border of the Vancouver down town. Kaidan walked slowly and tried to find Liara, but the street and boardwalk were almost empty. Although this was a great spot to watch the sunset, he could only see a few ramblers. Kaidan complete lost Liara's trail ,and just as he was about to turn back he saw an aquamarine cloak with a white hood coming out of the front door of a building down the street.

Kaidan hid behind a tree immediately and watched closely what she was doing. She wasn't alone, a tall man in a black jacket and black hood was standing by her side and they walked towards the railings of the boardwalk. The two of them seemed to be very familiar, and when they stopped to watch the sunset for a while, Kaidan saw Liara resting her head on the other's shoulder. Kaidan felt a touch of jealousy when the other man put his arm around her shoulder. He sneaked behind the trees standing in front of the apartment buildings and tried to close the distance between them. When Kaidan was only three buildings away, his comm blinked. Kaidan cursed the person that was calling him and answered.

"Hey honey! I'm back in Vancouver." Kaidan heard Mira's voice via the Comm and pinched his lips together. "The crew is on shore leave, but I stayed. Can I come by tonight?"

"Hey…" Kaidan pretended to sound normal. "I can't do tonight. Work, you know. I can't talk right now, I'll call you later…"

"Wait, what about tomorrow?" Mira asked again.

"Yeah, sure. But I've to go, now." Kaidan was still hiding behind the trees and he hoped neither of the two people at the railing had heard him.

"Okay." Mira said happily and the connection finished.

Kaidan looked around the tree at the two of them. He could see her blue skin when she turned her head a little to the side. But the man was a stranger to him. A yellow taxi had just landed next to them and Liara went on her toes to hug the other man. Then they said goodbye in an intimate way and Liara stepped inside the car.

Kaidan had the feeling, Liara wasn't just here to meet a lover, and that man in black was more than just a friend. They seemed to know each other for a long time. Kaidan had the unexplainable feeling that man was playing a role in whatever Liara and Hackett were planning in London. Kaidan waited until the taxi took off and flew out of his sight and then he came out from behind the trees and walked over the railing, pretending to be just some walker.


	9. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8: Tender madness**

Kaidan remained undetected as he stalked the black hooded man along the shore of the English Bay. The black water was still and reflected the colorful skyline. The tall man in front of him was walking peacefully like he was cruising on the boardwalk. Kaidan was trying to follow him as closely as he could while remaining unseen, but that was no easy task on an almost empty boardwalk. After another few steps he sat down on a park bench and watched the man standing at the balustrade looking up at the darkening sky.

Under the hood, Kaidan could see the full beard and long hair falling into his eyes. He pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and lit one. In the flash of firelight Kaidan saw his face for a second. A strange feeling was taking control of him. Kaidan wasn't sure what he was seeing, but the skin on his face was deformed, it was a shiny pink like scar tissue.

The man in the hooded jacket took a deep pull and blew the grey smoke into the air slowly. The cloud of smoke hung against the sky before vanishing, and Kaidan observed the man. He was tall, strong, but slender. His boots were tight in a way only soldiers do, his wide shoulders seemed strong enough to carry a lot of weight. The stranger pushed himself back from the balustrade and walked down the street. By the way he was moving, Kaidan was now sure, he was a soldier.

Kaidan stood up from his bench and followed him. He liked the way the man moved. It reminded him of his time on the battlefield, when he would see the soldiers running in front of him, giving him the feeling of security and certainty about what he was doing. Kaidan walked faster as the man in front of him seemed about to disappear from his sight; just before the boardwalk opened up into crowded street, the man glanced over his shoulder.

The colonel stopped and tried to blend in, become just as some man walking on the boardwalk when he realized, his blue Alliance uniform just gave him away. The man glanced back over his shoulders, took a look at him and started running. When Kaidan saw this, he immediately ran after him.

That man was fast; faster than he expected. He ran that man through the streets of Neo Vancouver, pushing offended crowed out of his way. Now he was sure, the man knew something and he was trying to hide something.

The man ran through narrow streets, between buildings, and jumped high over fences. He was extremely well trained, and it was not that Kaidan had not tried to stay in shape, but his physical condition had its limits. He pushed on, following the stranger further. They quickly left the downtown area of Neo Vancouver and the picture of the city changed rapidly. There were no more shiny modern restaurants and bars anymore. Instead all the colorful lights and signs were replaced by grey concrete buildings that stood abandoned on both side of the street.

Kaidan stopped to look around. The streets were quiet and grey. Debris from the destroyed city still laid here; none of it had been removed during reconstruction. Kaidan had heard about this blight in middle of the city but had never been here before. Five blocks of destruction were kept as a warning to those coming after them; five blocks of ground zero. The black trace of fire reminded him very much of the day, when they got hit by the Reapers, in the heart of humanity.

Kaidan slowed down his steps; in the piles of rubble everywhere was a great place for an ambush. He pulled out his pistol and crouched in a defensive position. He hoped he didn't have to use his gun. For a moment he thought he could just turn around and leave this black hole and confront Liara later about this matter, but something in him told him to look into this. Ground Zero was accessible to everyone though, but as far he could tell, no one ever came here. He didn't know if this just reminded people too much of what they've lost in battle, or was it just easier to look away.

The experienced soldier stepped slowly and silently as he could, going deeper into the blocks. Beyond the devastation Kaidan could still see the skyscrapers rising into the clouds, and hundreds of skycars flying around, but it seemed to be a silent agreement not to fly over Ground Zero. Maybe it was so no one had to see the devastation, and maybe one day they could finally forget.

The silence in this place was heavy and depressing, although it was in the city, the sound of all living things seemed to stay behind the invisible border. To Kaidan, it felt almost as if he was in the war again. Out of the corner of his eye, he thought he saw movement. He instantly turned around. Right there stood a half destroyed two-story building with a metal door standing half open.

Kaidan moved over to the building quietly and leaned next to the broken window. Then he quickly looked over his shoulder into the dark room and saw nothing but debris and abandoned military crates. He crouched and moved slowly to the door keeping his head under the level of window. Through the half open door Kaidan looked into the room again. He still couldn't see anything, and other than his own breathing, he couldn't hear anything either, but he wanted to be sure of it.

He set one food carefully into the room and the next thing, he knew was, he was tossed onto the ground. Someone grabbed him by his throat and lifted him to press against the wall. It was none other than the hooded man himself. The stranger brought his face close and Kaidan could smell the stench of cigarettes. He wasn't only fast, he was also enormously strong. Kaidan was an experienced soldier, but he didn't stand a chance against that strength.

Kaidan gasped for air while the hooded man tightened his grip around his neck. The dark blue sky outside wasn't giving any light and being used to a never sleeping city like Neo Vancouver Kaidan couldn't remember the last time he had seen such darkness

A harsh but clear dark voice grunted at him. "Who send you?"

Kaidan gasped again; he struggled to pry the man's fingers from his throat. He wanted to answer, but no sound came out of his throat. "I'm …" Kaidan opened his mouth, but no noise came out.

"Why are you following me?" The hooded man snarled at him again.

Kaidan's view started to blur before his eyes; he could feel how the air in his lungs was cut off and all his strength was leaving him. His biotic started to flare blue over his whole body as an instinctive protection. He could feel the energy flow in his body and the mass effect field gathered in his hands. In the glowing blue light he could see the eyes of his attacker for a split of second. He saw anger, he saw pure violence, and he saw the intention to kill.

Kaidan closed his eyes and let the dark energy gather more inside him, filling his body, protecting him. He felt a strange fire burning inside him, a will to fight. Kaidan took as deep a breath as he could, and opened his eyes and thrust his hands full of energy against the torso of his attacker and the hooded man instantly backed off.

But Kaidan knew he hardly touched him. He sank to his knees and the air filling his lungs made him choke. Kneeing on the floor and gasping for air, Kaidan tried to look for the pistol he had dropped. But he couldn't find it in the darkness; his fingers only ran over dust and dirt. He had to face the man with only his biotics. Kaidan stood up and charged the shield. His biotic had grown stronger than any human could possibly imagine. Even for an Asari Kaidan would be an incredibly powerful biotic and he certainly had become the most capable human biotic. Kaidan rose confidently to his feet and clenched his hands into fists.

He was ready to fight anyone coming towards him, but the dark shadow in front of him was only standing there like a stone statue. His hands were hanging by his sides and he didn't move at all. Then suddenly, he stepped forward, reaching forward as if for Kaidan's face but slipped his hand around to take Kaidan's his neck from behind.

Kaidan wanted to punch him again, he did not know what kind of devil's grip he was going to try, but a very familiar voice interrupted him.

"Kaidan?" the man said gently, softly and filled with longing. It was a voice from his dreams, from his past; a voice lost long ago.

Kaidan stood there in of state of shock. He could feel goosebumps on his skin and a twisted pain filling his heart and mind. He had heard this voice before, many times and an eternity ago. He had heard his voice call his name in many different ways. Sometimes, it was commanding, sometimes gentle; sometimes teasing and sometimes only loving. That was the voice of a hero, the voice of a legend and mostly it was the voice of a ghost.

"It's me, Kaidan!" Kaidan's biotic stopped flaring and cleared around his body, and he looked deep into the face of the man. Despite the fuzzy hair and beard, he believed he was looking at a man he used to know. He could see a faint shimmering and the weak reflection of his blueish glowing biotic in the man's eyes and then he recognized them, blue as the ocean and clear as the sky. "Shepard!" a quiet and surprised gasp escaped his throat, and in the blink of an eye Shepard had placed his lips on Kaidan's. His kiss felt like the mercy of an angel in his dark times, the blessing of gods and the rescuing hand for a drowning man. The light brush of Shepard's lips on his left him trembling and he had to wrap his hands around him, holding him tight. Kaidan could feel the hunger in the kiss with no trace of tenderness, only the greed to take his body. Shepard kissed him demanding, and then harder and more passionate. He opened his mouth for John's tongue, and let him lick over his lips and his neck. He kissed him and sucked on his skin until he moaned.

"It's really you!" Kaidan stopped to put both his hand around Shepard's face, he pulled the hood back and touched the skin around his eyes. In the darkness he could feel hot tears wetting his fingers. Kaidan let Shepard's tears run across his fingers, and for a long time, Kaidan too had to cry.

He could feel Shepard's strong heart beating fast in his chest and once again, they pressed their lips to each other. His face was covered in tears, but it made no difference. Shepard covered his skin with little kisses and then he kissed him on his lips again. He kissed him silently but with desire, he kissed until he moaned again. "I'm home, Kaidan!" He said weakly when Kaidan's lips moved down his neck. He closed his arms behind him and he could feel the hard erection in his pants.

Shepard sucked on Kaidan's skin greedily, even biting him while his hands were opening his own pants. Kaidan followed his example and undressed himself as quickly as he could. He reached out for Shepard's hand to guide him to touch him, and his lover's hand grabbed his ass and kneaded it. His other hand moved under his uniform and stoked over his hot skin. Shepard could feel the hard muscle of Kaidan move and all he wanted was to join with Kaidan right now and just here.

"Kaidan!" Shepard gasped. "I missed you so much!"

"Hurry, John!" Kaidan whispered in his husky voice. "Do it now! Do me now, John! I want to have you inside me!"

Shepard pushed Kaidan back and lifted him onto a military crate behind him, pulling his pants to his ankles and over his boots. Kaidan grabbed his neck, kissing him again. The biotic started to flare and in the blue light, and he could see the stars bursting inside Shepard's eyes, and he could feel his hot breath on his neck. A second later, Shepard ripped Kaidan's shirt open to cover his well-tanned body with kisses. He licked over his chest as if it was the last time in his life. Kaidan could feel Shepard wanted him as much as he wanted this man inside him.

Kaidan pulled his aroused cock out of his pants and it stood huge and hard, pointing in Shepard's direction. Without hesitation Shepard reached out his finger to close around it and Kaidan moaned as he touched it. His lover also moaned and undid his pants. His erection was hard and surround with a dark shadow of hair. Shepard climbed up on Kaidan and pushed his legs apart. He used his hand to guide himself and entered Kaidan.

"Oh god, John!" Kaidan whispered quietly, as he felt his lover go deeper into him, his gasps grew louder and faster. It felt like the catapult into heavens when Shepard fucked him. He was filed by strength, possessed by love and controlled by a man he was willing to follow into hell and back. "Oh god… Shepard! … … John." Kaidan was moaning loudly mixed with deep grunts.

Shepard straightened up his body to let his arousal go deeper into him. He used all his strength from his knees to press himself as deep as he could. Then, he bent over to kiss him, to bite his earlobe and his neck, and to suck on his skin. His fingers dug deep into Kaidan's flesh until his lover took his hands to touch his erection.

"Take it, John!" Kaidan placed his finger around his cock and Shepard did as he was asked. "Yes Shepard, take me, do me and do me hard!" Kaidan grunted again. He raised his head to the ceiling to gasp for air. Now his whole body was trembling in pure lust. Kaidan had to hold on to something to keep his position, but all he could reach was Shepard, so he tangled his fingers deep into the long hair and held it tight. "John! Harder! I'm coming! John!"

Kaidan screamed into the room and his screams gave Shepard even more strength and he thrust even harder against his lover. Kaidan tightened his grip on Shepard's hair pulling back when he was really close. His legs were losing their strength and all of his power was leaving him, when he was approaching the pinnacle of lust.

"Ah…" with a long scream Kaidan reached his climax and as he couldn't control anymore and unload himself in Shepard's hand.

Shepard wasn't done yet, but Kaidan could feel he was also close. "Look at me, Kaidan!" He said gasping. Kaidan looked at him and stared into his eyes. Shepard bent over to kiss Kaidan passionately. He licked his lips and his tongue before he sucked on his lips again. He was a demanding man, a taking and commanding man. If he wanted something, not even a Reaper army could stop him. He was this way in love as well, determined, when he loved someone, he would let them feel it in everything he did and as often as he could.

"Fuck, Kaidan!" Shepard urged. Kaidan lifted his arm to touch Shepard's face but Shepard parted his lips to let Kaidan's fingers explore his mouth, soon after he added his own hand, still covered in Kaidan's cum. He licked his own fingers, greedily sucking off the essence of Kaidan from his fingers and he sucked hard from Kaidan's finger. Shepard was licking and sucking while he kept bumping into Kaidan.

"Yes, Major." Shepard screamed loudly into the room. He looked down to the half-naked Kaidan with his ripped open shirt and missing pants. He fucked him hard once more to pull one more moan from him. As he heard the husky and sweet voice of Kaidan, he exploded into the love of his life. Shepard could barely keep standing and collapsed on Kaidan's chest and soon started stroking over Kaidan's belly and his chest.

Shepard had never been so happy or satisfied before. In middle of the devastation of war and the dust of a new city, they were reunited again. This moment could last forever. He didn't care about the dirt around them or the danger of being seen or even overheard. He just wanted to stay in Kaidan forever.

"You son of a bitch!" Kaidan sat up, pushing Shepard off him and Shepard a hard slap in the face, while Shepard was still in him. Both men moaned, when the vibration went through Shepard's body and returned it in a sensual way to Kaidan. "How could you do this to me again? Let me believe you were dead, again!"

Kaidan now used both of his hands and started slapping Shepard. While he was hitting the taller man, hot tears ran from the corner of his eyes and soon, he started crying in earnest silently. Shepard caught his arms and pushed them back, and then he placed his lips on Kaidan's again and kissed him passionately.

As soon as Shepard's rough lips touched his again, Kaidan lost all of his strength again, and he just let Shepard kiss him and suck his essence from him. They embraced, and for a long time, they just kissed each other.

"Shepard! Answer me! It has been three years!"

"Three years, two months and seventeen days." Shepard answered quietly.

"John!" Kaidan sighed and kissed Shepard's chest. "What happened? Why didn't you come back?"

"I wanted, but…" Shepard stopped and placed a gentle kiss on Kaidan's forehead. "I couldn't."

"What do you mean? You couldn't? What can stop you from doing what you want?"

"I was in a coma." The commander went one step backwards and closed his pants. "I was… locked away. Someone wanted me to stay dead."

"Oh god, John!" Kaidan crawled down from the big military crate and came to Shepard to embrace him. "I knew it. I didn't want to believe it, when they told me. It was hell to lose you again…"

"It's okay, Kaidan. We both went through hell. But now I'm home." Shepard kissed him again.

"Yeah, home." Kaidan signed "I'm sorry, John! If I'd have had any idea you were still alive… I would have done anything to find you."

"And you did. You found me. But how?"

"It's not important, John!" Kaidan could forget everything now. He wanted to forget Liara and Hackett planning something; he wanted to forget Liara knew Shepard was alive but not telling him. He only wanted to think about his lover. "Nothing is more important than you now! God, you're still alive!"

Shepard smiled widely and embraced him. They had so many things to tell each other, but when their lips met, the world became blank again. Although they just came, Shepard could feel the need inside his body rising again, and when Kaidan's hand moved down to his center, Shepard whispered. "Let's go home!" and Kaidan nodded.

An hour later, the two men tumbled into Shepard's apartment, kissing wildly and touching each other like they were love sick teenagers. The door behind them barely had time to close before Shepard had pulled out his aroused penis and pressed it against Kaidan.

"You greedy bastard!" Kaidan smiled and returned his kiss.

Shepard stroked Kaidan under the Alliance uniform he knew so well. He couldn't imagine his Kaidan in anything else than Alliance blue, which fit him so well. He touched Kaidan under his shirt and then down into his pants. The soldier was hard and hot.

He opened Kaidan's pants quickly and closed his finger around his cock.

"You still know how to do it…" Kaidan gasped for air when Shepard tightened his grip.

"All those quickies here and there on the Normandy helped a lot …"

"Oh yeah… John…" Kaidan sighed as Shepard used his hands to satisfy him while he bit him on the neck again. "This reminds me of the time when we did it in the comm room."

"Gosh, tell me about it! I was sure someone would just peak in and interrupt us." Shepard replied smiling.

"No one will interrupt us now."

Shepard nodded and went to his knees. Kaidan looked down and saw how his penis disappeared into his lover's mouth. He let the thrill of it go through his whole body and it felt so intense, he could barely hold it back.

"Slower, John…" Kaidan placed his hands on Shepard's hood and he felt the rough fabric and the soft long hair beneath it. Shepard grabbed Kaidan's ass with one hand and with the other he started to shake his own cock. Shepard blew him with passion and endurance. He did it gently and hard, and Kaidan felt his body begin to shake as Shepard stopped.

"Come on, Alenko. Blow me!"

"Yes, sir!"

Kaidan went to his knees this time and Shepard got pushed to the wall. Kaidan grabbed his butt and almost pulled him into his mouth. Kaidan loved to suck Shepard's dick and he loved the feeling of how the penis barely fit in his mouth. He sucked him like that night before Illos when he was so greedy to take everything from the young commander. The slender and strong man at that time was shy and inexperienced; he blushed when Kaidan lifted him onto his bed. When Kaidan opened his pants to take him into his mouth, the dark hair around his penis surprised him; the Commander wasn't shaved back then either. He was ashamed when Kaidan made a funny comment about it, and since then, Kaidan never saw hair down there on Shepard again.

"God, Kaidan! Slow down!" But Kaidan didn't listen, he just wanted Shepard to unload in him, he wanted to taste his essence again and have him all over himself. On the Normandy they had to take care, sperm on the uniform was not what soldiers should have, but now he didn't care.

"Major, slow down!" Shepard shouted again, this time followed by a long. "Ahhhh…"

Kaidan could feel how close Shepard was, and he was determined to take it. But just before he could suck out his essence, John pushed him back a little bit. "Major!"

"It's Colonel, now." Kaidan smiled and stood up. He grabbed Shepard's wet penis started to rub it.

"Colonel… fine, but you'll still do what I command."

"Yes, I do!" Kaidan smirked.

"Good! Turn around, bad boy!" Shepard whispered into Kaidan's ear and he obeyed.

John pushed him across the room to his table and grabbed his hips.

"Get down there!" he said and pulled Kaidan's pants to his ankles. He wanted to do so much, he wanted to fuck him, kiss him, lick him and suck him at the same time, but even now he couldn't hold it anymore and it was just not enough. He pushed Kaidan's shirt to his shoulders and could see a few more scars more on his back than three years before.

Shepard wetted Kaidan with his saliva and then he penetrated him slowly and gently. He was barely in Kaidan before the man under him started grunting.

"Oh god, John!" He shoved himself hard back against Shepard. "Please!"

"I want you to say: fuck me hard!" Shepard bent over and whispered into his ear.

"Fuck me hard!" Kaidan screamed and Shepard thrust into him and placed his whole penis inside Kaidan.

"Oh, Kaidan! You're so gorgeous! God…!" Shepard gasped. "I'm so close."

"No! Hold it!" Kaidan commanded and ground against Shepard. He grunted, gasped and breathed loudly and he was so greedy John could feel how much he longed for it. "Yeah, fuck me! John!"

Shepard thrust into him few times, he was so close, but he wanted to keep fucking Kaidan, he didn't want it to stop so he screamed loudly into the room and pulled himself out.

"I can't hold it anymore! You're so…"

Kaidan turned around and kissed him. "Fine, come. But come in here!" And with these words, Kaidan went on his knees again and sucked Shepard. Less than a minute later, Shepard came in Kaidan's mouth.

He didn't taste good, but Kaidan didn't care, he swallowed everything Shepard gave him. All he knew was he loved this man, he loves this man and he will always love this man. Shepard stood in the room and breathed loudly, as he pulled his fingers from Kaidan's body. Now Kaidan could feel the burning pain on his back. Shepard had actually scratched his back bloody.

"Wow!" He helped Kaidan stand up and kissed him again and again. "I wish this could go on forever…"

"It's not finished yet, Commander." Kaidan smiled and kissed Shepard. "It's my turn!"

Kaidan pulled Shepard's pants over his shoes, now he was almost naked below the bellybutton. Shepard was skinnier and lighter than before, but still muscular, and he enjoyed the new "look" of him. He never really liked beards or long hair, also because it was strictly forbidden in the army. He had never seen Shepard with any other haircut than his military buzz cut. But now, Shepard was hairy, rough and raw. It gave him the look of a wild man, and Kaidan couldn't deny it made him even harder.

Shepard walked over to the couch and lay down here, and Kaidan pushed his legs to the side. He arms were strong and his cock hard. Feeling devilish, he pulled Shepard to him and entered him.

"Ahhhh…" Shepard moaned. "It has been too long…"

"Oh yeah!"

"I missed this so much!" Shepard moaned and grunted when Kaidan went deep into him. "Oh god! Ahhhhh" He screamed, it wasn't pleasant anymore, and it hurt. He had forgotten the pain coming before the joy.

"John! You're so tight!" Kaidan slowed down his tempo and fucked Shepard gently and soon they were moaning tougher.

"Fuck, Major!" Kaidan could feel how Shepard relaxed after the pain had gone. He wanted him so much. In the light from outside he can see the shape of Shepard's muscles and the dark hair under his bellybutton to his penis. The view made him so mad; he wanted to have him, everything of him.

"Come on, John! Grab onto my neck!" Kaidan reached out his hand to guide Shepard to grab his neck from behind and as soon as Shepard held onto him, he lifted him up and pushed him to the wall on his right. "I want you so bad!"

Kaidan bumped into Shepard hard, again and again. The room is filled with moaning, grunting, screaming and the sound of flesh slapping into each other. Every muscle in Kaidan's body wanted to fuck Shepard, and he was doing his best. He looked deep into Shepard's eyes; his ocean blue eyes were full of love, pain, and desire.

Kaidan put Shepard down and turned him around. And then he fucked him from behind. Shepard was pressed against the wall and the sweat drops fall from his forehead. Kaidan guided his own cock to enter him and in the second his penis forced his flesh apart to enter his body, he could fill the thrill of it go through his whole body.

"Jesus, Kaidan!"

"Kiss me!"

Shepard twisted himself around and sucked on Kaidan's lips. Kaidan rolled his tongue, licked over his lips and explored his mouth, while he was still fucking him.

"Harder! Alenko! Harder!"

"I'm coming!"

"Harder, that's an order!"

"Yes, sir!" Kaidan kept thrusting and grunting.

"C'mon Kaidan! Come on!" Shepard shouted.

"Johnnnn…..!" Kaidan screamed his name and unloaded himself in Shepard.

Kaidan's leaned against Shepard, pushing him closer to the wall. Their bodies were slick with sweat and still they wanted more. Slowly they sank to the floor and stayed there with Kaidan's head resting on Shepard's shoulder. He could listen to his heartbeat and feel his pulse in his hand. Shepard smelled so intense, so manly and familiar. He loved the downtimes they had on the Normandy, mostly only an hour or even less, but he still enjoyed every second of it. Now he finally had the chance to enjoy the serenity.

After a while, Shepard tended to stand up from the floor but Kaidan grabbed his arm and pulled him back. "Don't ever go again! Don't ever leave me behind." Kaidan said eventually, breaking the silence in the room.

"I'm not going anywhere, I promise." Shepard answered softly and leaned against Kaidan's head.

When Shepard woke up next to Kaidan the morning after, he was happy but ashamed. He clearly disobeyed an order and risked the mission for sensual desire. But then he thought, it was Kaidan coming to him and not the other way around.

The soft light of the sun came through the window and felt golden on Kaidan's tanned skin. Shepard turned around and crawled into Kaidan's arms. The colonel woke up and embraced, followed by a soft kiss on his head.

"Good morning, sweetheart!" Shepard whispered and kissed Kaidan's chest. They had managed to make it to the bed somewhere in the middle of the night after waking up on the cold hard floor. At that point, once they were in bed, they did it again, and again and again. They were so greedy and love sick for the other that everything hurt this morning.

"Hey…" Kaidan kissed him again and checked on his omni-tool for the time. "Ouch, so late…"

"Do you have to leave now?" Shepard asked with a trace of sadness,

"Yeah, but hey, come by for dinner tonight. I'll cook." Kaidan seemed to be really happy, and his smile made Shepard's heart beat faster.

"It that a good idea? We shouldn't be in contact."

"Why?" Kaidan asked smiling. "Who wants to forbid that?"

"It's complicated." Shepard answered. "The Alliance is investigating the facility which locked me up and they want to keep my location unknown as far as possible. And you're house is a little too public, that's also why I haven't contacted you yet."

"I see." Kaidan nodded. "Come through the backdoor, no one will see you."

Shepard thought a while about it. He was constantly hearing the voice of Hackett warning him about jeopardizing the mission, and then he looked to Kaidan, smiling at him and expecting his answer.

"Sure I'll come." Shepard rolled on top Kaidan and kissed him. "I like your cooking…"

Kaidan smirked and kissed Shepard. They rolled in bed together and kissed each other for a while, until Kaidan really had to get up. When he came out of the shower, Shepard was still sitting in bed. He tried to pass him casually, but his former CO grabbed his waist and pulled him back to bed. He kissed him again and started to touch him. He touched his wet skin and his aroused manhood.

"Shepard! I have to go…" Kaidan mumbled when Shepard kissed him down his neck. "I have a debriefing!"

"You're a Spectre. Let them wait for you…" And then Shepard took Kaidan's cock into his mouth.


	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9: Second Horizon**

On the north side of the English Bay, Colonel Alenko had a small but nice house. He intentionally arranged it to be like David Anderson's apartment on the citadel. It reminded him of the most beautiful time during the war, and it was a place, where he felt safe. Kaidan stood in his kitchen preparing for Shepard. He had waited for this moment the whole day. He was so distracted by the thoughts of the date he couldn't even pay any attention at the debriefing, so he took off the day early and met with Shepard in his house early afternoon.

They did nothing the whole afternoon but loving each other. They started at the door, went over the den and somewhere later afternoon they finally made it to the bedroom. But then they kept going in the shower until their strength left them. They didn't talk much and spent all their time on making out, just like they had pictured for the time after the war. But somewhere after the sun had long sunk behind the horizon, until they got really hungry, so they put their cloths back on and started cooking for dinner. Now, when Shepard was sitting on a stool watching his lover preparing the steak, Kaidan could still feel the thrill all over him. He could feel Shepard's eyes on his ass, his chest and his lips.

"I'm going to blush, if you don't stop staring at me!" Kaidan said smiling.

"I haven't seen you for three years; I have a lot to catching up to do." Shepard smiled.

"At least try to be more subtle."

"I can't! The Alliance uniform suits you so well and you haven't aged a bit…"

"Are you flirting with me?" Kaidan smiled and drank from his whiskey. "You're distracting me."

"I'm trying." Shepard smiled and stood up. He went over to Kaidan and held him from behind. "It reminds me of our last shore leave, on the citadel."

"How could I forget? Those were the best days of my life… " Kaidan smiled and leaned his head against Shepard's shoulder. Then he turned his face to Shepard and kissed him. Kaidan could feel Shepard's cock getting hard and pressing against him, so he moved his ass slowly and pressed it hard against the Commander. "Again?" He eventually said.

"Guess who's doing that…" Shepard whispered and Kaidan turned around. The only hunger he had now was for Shepard. He wanted to have everything he had missed in the last few years. They kissed again and touched each other everywhere.

"Let's skip dinner and go for the dessert now!" Kaidan suggested and Shepard nodded. "Come on, this way!" He said.

"But I like it here!" Shepard replied and pressed Kaidan to his kitchen table. They snogged, touched and grabbed each other until both of them were as hard as they could get. Shepard grabbed Kaidan's hard cock and he started moaning when Kaidan touched his. They were so focused on what they were doing; they didn't hear the door open behind them. They didn't even notice someone coming closer to them until a bottle breaking on the floor attracted their attention. Kaidan and Shepard lifted their heads and in front of them stood Mira Taylor.

„Shit!" Kaidan said loud, stepping away from Shepard and went for Mira. He didn't really know what he should do, so he just wanted to grab her and push her out of the room when she dodged his hands.

She looked at him sharply and said quiet. "Is this a joke?"

"Sorry, Mira, I… it's…" Kaidan was looking for the correct word when Shepard stepped to Kaidan's side. The Commander looked the red-haired woman curiously and remembered her vaguely. "You were Kaidan's doctor back on the Citadel, Dr. Taylor right?" He put his arm around Kaidan's waist. "I didn't know Kaidan also invited somebody else."

"Somebody else? That's what I wanted to say about you!" She looked at his hand around Kaidan's waist. Then she looked back at Kaidan angrily.

He took Shepard's hand subtlety from his waist and looked at him ashamed. "I can explain! I wanted to meet Mira for dinner, and then I met you. I totally forgot about it."

"What's the matter?" Shepard smiled and kissed Kaidan on the cheek. "The she shall join us, I guess."

Kaidan nodded quickly and looked at Mira imploringly. "Sure I guess…"

Mira came a step forward and grabbed Kaidan's arm. "Are you shitting on me? I just saw you both…"

"What's the matter?" Shepard interrupted her. But Kaidan quickly came between them and cut Shepard off.

"I'll explain later, it's a little bit complicated." He said.

"Complicated?" Shepard said surprised.

But Mira stepped forward, pushing him a little bit away from Kaidan. "C'mon, don't pretend you don't know it."

"Know what?" Shepard replied.

Kaidan wanted to reach out his hand to cover her lips, but she was too fast.

"Know Kaidan is taken?" Mira sneered. "Have you really thought, the famous Colonel is still single, waiting for the right one to come alone?"

Shepard stood there shocked, just looked at her and then back at Kaidan, who now stood a little aside, looking away from them and breathing loud.

She laughed at Shepard and continued. "Sorry to disappoint you." Then she said more to herself than to Shepard. "Stupid groupie."

"Stop Mira!" Kaidan stepped between Mira and Shepard. "He's not groupie, he's an old friend."

"What?" Mira shouted and then lowered her voice. "Kaidan, we talked about this! Have you forgotten? No friends, no second time! When is this going to stop?"

Shepard stepped to the side behind Kaidan and grabbed his arm. "Kaidan, you have a lot of explaining to do. What is going on here? What is she talking about? Taken?" Kaidan turned his face away from him and just looked miserable, but Shepard grabbed his arm harder. "Who are you seeing? Who is it?"

"Goddam! I'm his girlfriend!" Mira shouted.

Shepard froze when he heard what Mira said. He starred at Kaidan who turned his face away in resignation. In this moment, Shepard's worst fears came true. He looked at Kaidan and then Mira.

"No no no no!" Shepard gasped and started breathing rapidly. The sudden pain his heart and in his guts forced tears into his eyes. The people before him started to blur and he only could see Kaidan's hand reaching out for him behind a curtain of tears. He slapped Kaidan's hand away. "This isn't true… this can't be true!" Shepard was stepping backwards away from Kaidan and his legs felt so weak suddenly.

His lungs were starved for air, like someone had struck him in the chest. He bumped against the bar in Kaidan's kitchen and the scotch glasses fell down to the ground. The light brown liquid splashed all over the floor and the smell of the good whiskey came to his nose. This smell always reminded him of the night before the Cerberus base, how Kaidan tried to get him into bed with a bottle of whiskey, not now, it only smelled like betrayal.

"Why didn't you tell me, you have a girlfriend? A girlfriend!" Shepard said with an uncontrolled shaking in his voice. "WHY!" He yelled. He wanted to say more, but he couldn't find any words to say. He was weak, hurt and broken. "I don't understand… why?"

"There is nothing to understand!" Mira shouted at him. "He's just looking for some adventure, some quick fuck; and maybe he'll fuck you twice if you're lucky, but in three days he won't even remember your name. But you don't have to understand it." She yelled again.

"Mira, that's enough!" Kaidan stepped between them again. He looked at Shepard miserably. "John, I'm sorry. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't know how…"

"How? How about "Sorry, Shepard. I have a girlfriend!" before we fucked!" Shepard pushed Kaidan away from him.

"Shepard?" Mira heard his name. "Commander Shepard?" She stepped closer to him and stared into his face. When she realized the man standing in front of her was really the man he said he was. She pressed her hand to her lips and gasped. "I've heard rumors about an Alliance soldier coming back from the dead, but you!"

"Mira, please!" Kaidan said again. "Give us some room."

Shepard grabbed Kaidan from both sides and shook him. "When did you want to tell me, you're taken?"

"I didn't really had time, did I?" Kaidan looked at him angrily. He knew he wasn't in the position to be angry, though he was the one being unfaithful.

"How could you!" Shepard shook his head and looked at him with disgust.

"Please, Shepard!" Kaidan begged. "I'm sorry. I… I thought you might… know…"

Shepard let him go and pushed him away from him again. "How could I possibly think of you being with someone and still…"

"Yeah, we got it! You thought the Colonel is an honest man, sorry to disappoint you!" Mira sneered. "Sorry, he isn't the man you use to know, but Commander, time has changed! There is no place for you in this world! And…"

"Mira, please be quiet!" Kaidan turned on her and begged.

"Why? So I can't tell the truth?" Mira said loud to Kaidan.

Kaidan turned around to her and said more sharp this time. "Please, just shut up!"

"You want me to shut up?" She said loud. "So what? So you can tell him yourself?"

"Tell me what, Kaidan? What?" Shepard said angrily. His pain had just turned into wrath and he had to control himself not to charge a biotic fist and punch Kaidan.

"John, calm down. Please, I can explain! Trust me!"

Shepard clenched his teeth together and gave a growl. "Trust you? I trusted you, but this is what I get! How can time change you so much?"

"I don't know! But my feelings for you haven't changed at all, please believe me! What we had is real! Believe me."

Shepard clenched his fist and a layer of blue energy started to float over his skin. His eyes were glowing even bluer in the mass effect field around his body.

"John, don't! I don't want to fight you!"

"So you better start telling the truth! What should I know?"

Kaidan hesitated and pressed his lips together like he could forbid the words on his lips to come out.

"TELL ME! Or I'll cut your throat open!" Shepard shouted.

"There is nothing. It's not important!" Kaidan tried to avoid it.

"That's up to me to judge!"

Mira stepped forward and looked up to Shepard. "If he's too much of a coward to tell you, I'll do it! So you have to learn it in the hard way. He's not the Kaidan you knew. Our Colonel Alenko is the most wanted Bachelor and he enjoyed it! He fucked everything that moved right after you died and yes, he had everyone you couldn't have."

"Shut up, Mira! Shut up!" Kaidan shouted.

"What? You didn't tell him about the Asari Ambassador? Liara? Miranda Lawson? The shuttle pilot? And the N7 Commander?" She turned around to Shepard. "He had everything you couldn't have. Do you still want him?"

Shepard looked at Kaidan calmly while his heart was breaking. "Is that true?"

Kaidan didn't answer but looked down, embarrassed.

"Is that true?"

Kaidan nodded and Shepard punched his fist against the wall. The shimmering tears in his eyes clouded his vision. Shepard glanced at the sneering Mira next to him and then a violent voice in his heart told him to grab her thin neck and break it.

"Now get out of our house!" Mira said loud and clear. Shepard could see the flaming wrath in her eyes. She looked at Shepard full of hatred and disgust. "There is no place for you under this roof!"

"No, don't!" Kaidan grabbed Shepard's arm when he wanted to go. He then quickly turned to Mira. "Just leave us alone, Mira!"

"What?" Mira shouted again. "Leave you alone? What is this supposed to be?"

"Just go, Mira!" Kaidan said harsh. He stopped paying attention to Mira and tried to hold Shepard back instead. "John, please listen. I know this is messed up. I have messed up, but we can fix this!"

"No, Kaidan. I can't! And you can't." Shepard looked at him with tears in his eyes and fought against it, so those tears didn't fall. "I should go!" Shepard turned around and headed for the door.

"Don't go, John!" Kaidan ran after him. "Don't!"

Shepard slapped Kaidan's hand away when he tried to grab him, but Kaidan was faster with the other hand, and he closed his fingers around Shepard's wrist. "Go fuck yourself, Alenko!"

"Please, John. Please don't leave!" Tears were already falling down his cheeks. "I can't stand to lose you again! We can fix this!"

"There is no "us" anymore, Kaidan! Go back to your woman!" Shepard turned around and walked into the darkness leaving Kaidan on his doorstep.

"Don't!" Kaidan ran after Shepard and grabbed his arm. "Let me explain!"

"Spare me your lies!" Shepard freed himself from his grab.

Kaidan put his other arm around Shepard and pulled him towards him. "Please, John! Let me explain! Listen to me, just don't go!"

"What do you want, Kaidan?" Shepard pushed Kaidan back hard so he stumbled few steps back. "Do you want to tell me, how hard it was for you to get over me? And that's why you screwed everyone? Do you want to tell me all of them meant nothing and expect me to believe you? What? What do you want?" Shepard stepped toward him. He pushed Kaidan again and the Colonel could see the anger in Shepard's eyes. "You cheated on me on the Normandy, and now you cheat on your girl. Do you expect me to still trust you? Believe that this isn't your nature? How do you justify all this? You're a taken man, Kaidan! Should I just forget everything, so we can hold hands and live happily ever after?" Shepard looked at Kaidan sharply, but Kaidan just looked to the ground, ashamed. "Yeah, just as I thought!"

He let Kaidan go and turned around. He reached the gate at the end of the path to Kaidan's house and pushed it open. Before he could set foot on the street, a bunch of reporters, waiting in front of Kaidan's house ran up to him and started recording. Shepard's heart started racing instantly. He almost could hear the warning words of Hackett in his ear, how he should stay away from his teammate. And now, he was being recorded by the tabloid press. Shepard pulled his hood over his head and walked quickly down the street towards downtown. The men and women surrounding him started asking questions, but Shepard ignored them.

Kaidan watched Shepard walk away from him and forced the tears stay back. The mechanical gate closed behind him, leaving him standing alone in the dark. Behind him, Mira walked up to him and stoked his arm, but Kaidan withdrew it sharply.

"It's over, Mira. I want you to go!" Kaidan said with a shaking voice.

"How can you be so heartless?" Mira looked at him. "I stayed at your side though all these years and now you're dumping me because of that wreck?" She slapped him in the face. Kaidan just let her hit him and did nothing about it.

"Just go!" Kaidan said quietly and walked inside.

When the door closed behind him, he slid to the ground, leaning against the door. He couldn't hold the pain in his heart. He felt like he was falling into the deep sea, drowning in his grief. He felt like scratching his chest to make to twisting pain in his heart stop, but when he tried to scream, nothing came out; He had no strength in his arms so he just stared into his house. The whiskey glasses on the floor were reflecting the lights outside, leaving refracted light spots on the wall. His eyes wondered over to the kitchen table where they stood minutes before. He almost could see them making out and their laughter would echo in the room.

The feeling of missing him was harder than believing he was dead. Kaidan bit his own fist, when he couldn't stand it anymore. He stood up and walked into the room, pacing up and down. Many scenarios ran before his eyes. He saw Shepard getting reinstated and getting his old life back. He imagined that Shepard might get to know other men, touch them, kiss them, and maybe even sleep with them. The very thought made him extreme jealous. He didn't know what to do. Kaidan wanted to go to Shepard and beg him to understand, but he didn't have the faintest idea, how that would help. Yes, he did make mistakes. He lost himself; he was a slut just as everybody said and he finally realized how much self-esteem he had lost. And he hadn't been even close to getting over Shepard.

Kaidan grabbed the half full whiskey bottle from the kitchen table and drank it until it was empty. He felt the effects of it immediately, and his sight blurred, making images vague in front of his eyes. He tumbled back and bumped against the table. Kaidan held on to a chair not to fall down. He had never felt so abandoned, so useless and so lost. When he regained his balance, Kaidan walked straight to his bar and took out another bottle of whiskey. He opened it and drank it again. When his mind was thoroughly drunk, a stupid idea came to him.

Kaidan walked upstairs to the roof LZ of his house and started his skycar.

Dr. Mira Taylor tumbled into her office on board the SSV Sydney and sad down numbly at her desk. She angrily wiped away her tears, but within seconds, her face was wet again. She couldn't believe that had really happened. Her relationship with the man of her dreams had just ended and she didn't even know who to blame. She furiously swept everything on her desk to the ground and wept. She knew, this time, it was final. She would not be able to convince him to come back to her again. Not like the other times, when he had admitted to having doubts about them and confessed his infidelity.

Mira looked down to the medical equipment on the floor and immediately regretted her actions. She would have some explaining to do when somebody saw that, especially the Commander. Vega was curious by nature and lately, he was inconveniently interested in her relationship with the Colonel. She went to her knees to pick up the stuff on the ground, still crying, when she heard some noises outside her door.

When she had come back on board, she had believed herself to be alone on the ship. Commander Vega had sent everyone on shore leave while they stayed in the Capital City. Mira stood up to listen more closely when the door to her office opened. A man in an Alliance uniform strode confidently inside. Mira stared at him, surprised. She knew he wasn't a crewmember on the ship; as the medical officer, she knew everyone on board.

The man stepped closer to her and handed over an encrypted data-pad. "Please confirm you identity." He said straight.

Mira looked down to the pad, surprised and said hesitating. "Lieutenant Mira Taylor, Alliance Military."

The pad scanned her voice and then showed the green bar with the word "confirmed". Once the soldier saw the green bar, he typed something on his omni-tool and three other men, also dressed in Alliance uniform appeared behind him. They came inside and scanned the room. Mira was still taken by the surprised and just stood there.

"All clear!" One of the men said loud and the first one nodded satisfied.

"Okay." The first man said and turned to Mira. "Miss Taylor, I'm Lucian Monroe. We came by order of your stepfather."

"My stepfather?" She replied surprised.

"Yes, Councilor Russo is sending his sincere regards and request of your support in this urgent matter."

"Okay…" she hesitated. "Robert and I barely had any direct contact since my mother died, what is so important?"

"Can you tell us, where this man is?" He showed her a short vid of a man with long hair and beard, running away from paparazzi. Mira recognized him as well as when it was taken, only a few hours ago.

"I…" She stopped.

"Miss Taylor. The undertaking is threatened by him, and we need your help!" The man repeated.

"The undertaking…" She whispered. "It's coming true, isn't it?"

"Yes, we're close. I hope you're still with us, Miss Taylor." The man said sharply.

"Of course!" She said certain. "I'll help you as much as I can."

"Good. Where is he?" the man asked again.

"I don't know, but I'll keep you informed. Once I know his position, I'll send word. What are you going to do with him?"

"Eliminate him." Mira shivered when she heard those words. She had never killed anyone in her life before, one of the privileges of being a doctor. The man saw her concerns. "It will be clean. Don't worry."

"I understand." She nodded slowly.

"One more thing, Miss Taylor. How is the status of Spectre Alenko? When will he be ready?"

Mira looked down and went back to her desk. "I don't know. He's fond of the ideas of the Prometheans, but only the official part. He's not aware of our undertaking and I'm not sure, if he wants to be part of it. I couldn't convince him." She lowered her voice and said almost self-reflecting. "I'm aware of my failure; please send my sincere apology to my stepfather."

"I will. Why was this man at his house? Is the Spectre collaborating with him?"

"No, no!" She answered fast. "They were just… Kaidan knows nothing about the undertaking. Hackett still doesn't trust him. That is for sure. I don't think his collaborating."

"What did they talk about?"

"Nothing of importance. They were… distracted by something else." She said dry.

The man made a note on his omni-tool and then nodded to the others. They left their positions and walked toward the door. "I assume you know who the man is?"

Mira nodded and then looked up. "Just FYI, Lieutenant. Kaidan dumped me. I have no access to him anymore."

"Too bad. Then keep close to Commander Vega. He's in touch with both of them." He also turned to leave. "If you need us, we are around. The usual frequency should be enough to contact us." He stepped outside of the door and looked at Mira intensely. "The undertaking has top priority."

Mira said nothing but nodded slowly.

The man looked at her and also nodded in acknowledgement. "Humanity will prevail!" He said clearly.

"Humanity will prevail." Mira whispered quietly.


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10: House of cards

Shepard he smashed against the wall, as he entered his apartment. He had managed to lose the reporters on his way, but they made him even angrier. But in the end, he was only angry at himself. He grabbed a glass from the table and threw it towards the wall. The glass broke into big splinters with a satisfying crash. The feeling in his stomach forced him to the ground, and the pain in his heart was not unfamiliar to him. He had felt that before, right after Horizon. The pain was sharp and almost more than he could stand.

_What was I thinking? Did I really expect him to wait for me? It has been three years, things could have changed, why was I so stupid to believe, no one would have changed. Did I really think everything would be just as I had left it? I was dead, and no one questioned it. Why should that be different with Kaidan? Why would he stay alone after I died? He deserved to keep living; he deserved to live on and … _

The thoughts in his mind were confused, tumbling and unreasonable. Part of him wanted to rip Kaidan's throat out and burn it, and another part just wanted to fall to his knees and beg Kaidan to take him back. The anger and guilt melted together. He wished he hadn't reacted the way he had, if he hadn't he could still be lying in Kaidan's arms right now. His love for Kaidan kept him alive; the hope that he could hold Kaidan again gave him the strength to survive. Night after night he came back as the image of an angle and released him from his nightmares, and now, when he finally came back, reality came crashing in.

Shepard closed his eyes and all his memories of Kaidan, both the good and bad memories came back to him, flashing through his mind... He remembered how they looked at each other when he first came on board the Normandy with Anderson. The Captain introduced him as the most capable biotic enigma in the Alliance and all he heard was the word Kaidan. He was with him when the war started on Eden Prime and he remembered all their careful chats on the Normandy, how they learned to work with each other and love each other.

It was Kaidan who came to him first and told him how he made him feel human and it was Kaidan, who really showed him the joy of life. The blank survival on the street and the duty as a soldier was all he knew in life, but then this young, handsome lieutenant came around, and revealed the sweet taste of love to him. He remembered his soft kisses and his gentle touch on his skin the night before Illos. He had never been kissed like that by any man or woman. By god, he saw stars when they melted in each other.

Then there was Horizon, lying in the deepest recesses of his heart. He wanted to wipe out the memory of that encounter. He had appeared under the shadow of the collector ship, and it had reignited the fire in his heart. He remembered the love he felt in that moment, the surprise follow by pure joy. Kaidan looked so good in his black armor, and if they had not been in the middle of a war, he would have just taken him on the spot, there in front of the world. But the joy was short lived, cut off by the clash seconds later.

It had torn him apart, but the galaxy demanded strength from him and he couldn't let his sorrow overcome him. But in the dark alone in his solitary cabin, he had stared at Kaidan's picture and hoped he would open his eyes the next day and see the Lt smiling at him and kiss him good morning. In his dark hours, his heart and body had longed for Kaidan's touch, and his embrace. He missed the fingernails scratching on his back when he had placed his lips around his manhood. He missed his tight grip when Kaidan thrust into him.

Shepard opened his eyes and gasped for air. He shouldn't be thinking about that. He didn't want to experience that again. He didn't want to remember that pain. On his hunt for the collectors, he had been tempted many times, and those temptations had been hard to resist, but after Horizon, Kaidan's refusal had burned a hole deep in his soul, one that couldn't be healed with the touch of another.

Shepard forced his mind to come back to the present. He did not want to think about it anymore, more so, if he was experiencing a second Horizon. He punched the wall and then smashed his head against the metal. The door of his apartment opened, and Matt stepped inside and turned on the light. He walked towards Shepard and helped him to his feet.

"Where have you been?" He asked, worried, "I have been trying to reach you since yesterday! The Admiral…"

"I don't give a fuck about the Admiral!" Shepard said sharply and pushed Matt away from him.

"What happened? Where have you been?" Matt asked again.

"I… I met Kaidan!" Shepard said slowly. And Matt pressed his fingers to his lips. He looked at Shepard, scared and stepped back. Shepard walked towards Matt, threatening him with a finger. "Did you already know that?"

"Did I know what?" Matt answered with a shaky voice.

"Did you know he's with a girl?" Shepard said louder.

Matt stepped back and nodded slowly. "The Shadow Broker found out few months ago."

Shepard pressed his lips together and paced up and down in the room, looking for words. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't know it was necessary?" Matt answered.

Shepard punched the wall again; this time, a little blue energy flared around his hand. "Arrrrh!" He screamed. "Matt, I liked you, I don't want to hurt you, but you better go now. I can't guarantee your safety!" Shepard said with his teeth pressed together hard.

"Shepard," Matt said calm. "I can't leave you this way. Tell me what happened…"

"What happened? Kaidan happened. For a short moment, I thought everything was going to be like it was, until his girlfriend showed up! Why did nobody tell me about her?"

"Calm down, Shepard!" Matt walked towards Shepard and looked him in the eye. "Things will be okay… you'll get over him and find someone else…"

"No!" He answered sharp. "I don't want another, I want him!"

"It's okay!" Matt said calmly. He walked carefully to Shepard and embraced him. "Concentrate on the mission first… we can take care of this later…"

"How?" Shepard moaned when Matt took him in his arms. He was still so angry, but he couldn't punch Matt. He had been his companion for the last few weeks, and he was always patient with Shepard's moods. He even convinced Liara and Hackett, the Commander won't be a threat to the mission, if he was allowed to go out, and Shepard had now proven him wrong on that point.

The Shadow Broker agent carefully took Shepard in his arm, letting his head rest on his and stroked his back, when somebody entered the door code and stepped inside the room. Shepard looked over to the door and saw a drunken Kaidan standing in front of him.

"You bastard!" Kaidan shouted. He stepped forward and grabbed Matt. "Get away from him!" he shouted, while Matt stumbled across the room. Before he could get back on his feet again, Kaidan used his biotic to lift him from the ground. And before anyone in the room could react, the Colonel had already thrown the young man out of the room. When the automatic door closed, Kaidan pressed his hand against the door and sealed it from inside.

Shepard stepped forward to Kaidan and opened mouth to say something, but got punched by Kaidan instead. "Who is he?" Kaidan shouted. "Your lover?"

"He's my neighbor." Shepard said angry.

Kaidan sneered. He drank from the bottle of whiskey he was holding in his hand. "Are you fucking him?" He asked with accusation in his voice.

"No! Unlike you, I'm faithful." Shepard answered. "What do you want here?"

"I… came…" Kaidan started and then stopped. He looked around in the room and put the whiskey bottle on a shelf. "I want you, John Shepard!"

"Just cut it, Kaidan!" Shepard said and punched the wall with his fist. "Why are you here?"

"I came to tell you, I want you to come back!" Kaidan came closer to him. Shepard could smell the alcohol on Kaidan's breath and feel how hot he was. The Colonel pressed his body to his and put his hands on his chest. "John, I came to tell you, how much I need you!"

"Go away, Kaidan. You're drunk!" Shepard couldn't be mad him anymore; although he wanted to be, when Kaidan looked at him that way, or touched him that gently, his mind stopped working. He only could smell his scent, a mixture of alcohol and sweat. "Go home!" He whispered.

"No!" His former lover refused. "I want you to kiss me, John! I want you to hold me! I want you to fuck me!" Kaidan pressed his body to Shepard's again and pressed his lips to Shepard's neck. When Kaidan's hot lips caressed his skin, Shepard clenched his teeth. He missed that feeling as a strong man pushing him to the wall and had his way with him. Shepard raised his hands to grab Kaidan's ass and leaned back on the wall.

But then he pushed Kaidan away. "No! You're taken! I can't do this!"

"I'm not! It's over between me and the rest of the world. There is no one else and there would be no one else!" Kaidan said honestly. "Everything has changed now that you're back. There is no place in my heart for anyone, but you!" Kaidan closed his eyes and came close to kiss him, but Shepard dodged and freed himself from Kaidan's embrace.

"It's not that easy, Kaidan!" Shepard looked at him, and didn't know what to do. He wanted him so much, he wanted to pin him against the wall and fuck him all night. He wanted to take his big cock in his mouth and suck it until Kaidan screamed for god. He wanted Kaidan to do all that to him too and more. When he looked at the love sicken solider in front of him, he just wanted him to grab him hard, and fuck him until he begged for mercy.

But then there was his anger. He felt so used, betrayed and exploited. The more he looked at his gorgeous friend, the more he was angry at him. He didn't know if the blind wrath inside him was caused by jealousy or something else, but he also just wanted to beat him for everything that had happened in the last three years. Somewhere deep in his heart, Shepard knew, he was blaming Kaidan for both of their misery.

"Kaidan, you can't just walk in here and tell me, you're single and everything will be fine!" Shepard said after a tense moment of silence in the room.

"Why not!" Kaidan shouted back.

"Because…" He didn't know what to say. "Just go home, Kaidan! Leave me alone! Forget all this!"

"Why?" Kaidan stepped in front of him, cutting him off from wherever he was trying to go. "What happened? A few hours ago you told me, you loved me, and now you want me to go."

"How could you!" Shepard punched Kaidan in the face and the enigma tumbled back. He called up his shield immediately and Shepard did the same. They stood facing each other, neither sure where this was going. "That was before I know the real you! I've been gone for three years! And you! You didn't waste any time going on and enjoying your life!"

"But we are both here now! I don't want to lose you again, you promised not to leave again!"

"Don't bring that up, Alenko! I made that promise before I found out about you and the girl, and everyone else. You've fucked everyone on the Normandy!" Shepard shouted at him and jumped forward to punch him. Kaidan jumped back quickly and Shepard missed. But Kaidan also bumped against a shelf and something fell on the ground.

"I was lost!" Kaidan shouted. "I was so lost without you, John!"

"What a lousy excuse! Lost? And you thought you could find yourself between Liara's legs or in Miranda's ass? Even better, did you really think fucking James would let you find yourself?" Shepard and Kaidan tried to punch each other across the room, but neither of them actually landed a hit. "You were a man I respected. A soldier who acted with integrity in everything he did; an honest, modest and loyal friend. What happened to him?"

"You're in no position to judge me, Shepard! You died! Again! I was torn apart! I had to go through all that again!" Kaidan stopped and parried Shepard's punch. He grabbed Shepard's fist and held his other hand with his. Then he used his knee to kick Shepard in the stomach.

The Commander curled up on himself and choked. "And… you? You took every distraction you could get."

"Those were circumstances you don't know!" Kaidan let him go and went back into a defensive position.

"Don't try to fool me! I've always been aware of the way you looked at Liara and James! I knew you wanted them!" Shepard jumped forward and grabbed Kaidan.

"I didn't!" Kaidan defended himself.

"Stop lying, Kaidan!"

"It's not a lie when I say all I wanted was you and still is you!"

"Bullshit!" Shepard said loudly. "You think I didn't know about you and Liara back on the Normandy! I knew what happened after Thessia, Kaidan!"

Kaidan looked at him shocked and ashamed at the same time.

"I knew you was with her…" Shepard's voice sounded hurt.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Kaidan whispered.

The Commander shook his head; he didn't know what he should say. He looked around, searching for words, but nothing came to his mind. What should he say? He knew Liara and Kaidan were close friends, and after what happened, he couldn't blame her, if she needed some solace. He knew, Kaidan was doing Liara a favor, by staying with her but the blind jealousy only made him angrier. It had been many years since, he had thought about this a lot, but it seemed; he was still not over it. He just starred at Kaidan grimly and then walked slowly to the door. "You know what, Kaidan?" He pointed at the door. "Just get your ass out of here!"

Kaidan didn't move from his spot. "Please, listen to me… I came to apologize, I really want you back. Please don't make me beg…"

"Yeah, once in your life, I do want to make you beg!" Shepard smirked and Kaidan pressed his teeth together.

"Don't tempt me!" Kaidan stood there glowing, threatening. Shepard noticed Kaidan's biotic had become stronger than before. He looked at Shepard furiously, and Shepard liked the wildness in his eyes.

"Oh, Major, don't give me that look, you know it only makes me…"

Shepard hadn't finished his sentence before Kaidan his body pressed up against his and lips covering his own. He tasted the salt on Kaidan's lips and the smell of Kaidan ran through his senses. He felt Kaidan's grip between his legs.

"Stop… … Kaidan!" Shepard said. He didn't want to lose his dignity and fall for him again, but when he smelled the scent of Kaidan's skin and hair, Shepard's mind got blurred by pure lust.

"It's Colonel, now! Commander!" Kaidan pressed him back against the wall again and kissed his neck without any tenderness. "And I guess I have to remind you of the chain of command!"

"Oh no, Kaidan! How low can you get? Abuse of authority?" Shepard said, but Kaidan just pressed his hand on Shepard's lips.

He kissed his neck and then his cheeks. When he was about to kiss Shepard's lips the Commander resisted. "Kiss me!" Kaidan said.

"Forget it!" Shepard replied hard.

"Soldier - as your superior office – it wasn't just a friendly request!"

"Fuck you, Alenko!" Shepard gasped and tried to bite Kaidan, since he was still pressed to the wall.

"Admit it! You want it!" Kaidan said, and slowly moved his body, letting his hard cock touch Shepard's. The man against the wall moaned quietly and leaned back. "Spread your legs! That is an order!"

"I don't take orders from you! I'm off duty!" Shepard joked and tried to bite Kaidan again. He resisted and tried to free himself, but the Colonel had become very strong, and he wasn't really serious about getting away.

"Yes, you will, Solider!" Kaidan buried his head in Shepard's neck and sucked on his skin.

"Stop… Kaidan…" Shepard moaned.

"You'll give me what is mine!" Kaidan answered and opened Shepard's pants. He reached for his dick and rubbed it.

Shepard grabbed for Kaidan's hand, he wanted to pull his hands off him, but Kaidan grabbed his wrist and pushed it back to the wall. "Stand down, Commander!"

"No!" Shepard gathered his biotic in his hand, and in a careless moment, Shepard punched Kaidan with the energy and tossed Kaidan across the room.

Without his armor, a fall like that hurt him much more than he expected. Kaidan shook his head and stood up again. He just wanted to throw something at Shepard, when the Vanguard charged him and punched him in the face.

He could taste blood inside his mouth, and Kaidan gathered his strength and punched Shepard back, this time in the stomach. The Commander stumbled back few steps and pressed his hand on the spot where Kaidan hit him. Excruciating pain went through Shepard's body and forced him to his knees. He grunted in pain and grabbed the first thing he could grab and threw it at Kaidan. He wished he had a gun somewhere, but the Alliance made sure, he was completely unarmed.

Kaidan dodged the glass Shepard threw at him, and he grabbed Shepard's neck and lifted him up. He then he kissed Shepard again even harder. He forced his tongue down his throat and pressed his hands back to the wall.

Shepard could feel the strength in Kaidan's arms and the excited thrill going through his body making his cock hard. He liked it a lot when Kaidan dominated him in the bedroom. He loved it, when Kaidan tossed him on the ground in the Captain's cabin and had his way with him, but not today! Today wasn't about sex, today was about power and he won't let Kaidan win. He couldn't risk losing his dignity even when he just wanted go to his knees and suck the Major's cock until his jaw hurt.

"I'm not yours anymore!" Shepard moaned while Kaidan was sucking on his lips.

"Oh, then I'll just take it!" Kaidan stopped to answer and then pressed his lips to his again.

Shepard wanted to turn his face away, but an invisible force made him to open his mouth, let Kaidan explore him. When Kaidan's lips touched his, he couldn't do anything other than suck it. Then he bit softly onto Kaidan's lips

"That's right, Commander!" Kaidan said whispering. "Bite me!"

Shepard moved his lips over Kaidan's face and bit into his neck. Kaidan loosed his grip around Shepard's wrist to grab for the hard cock between Shepard's legs. Shepard moaned and with one hand, he scratched Kaidan's back under the shirt and with the other, he grabbed for Kaidan's ass.

Kaidan also couldn't keep his hands away from him. While he was massaging Shepard's cock with one hand, he let his other roam over Shepard's chest and belly. He could feel the hard muscle under a soft layer of hot skin and he just wanted to fuck him even more. He pushed the Commander harder against the wall and kissed him passionately. And in this moment when Kaidan was careless, Shepard grabbed Kaidan's heavy pistol and pointed at him.

"You're so easy to fool, Kaidan!" Shepard pointed the gun at Kaidan's belly and pushed him back into the room.

"What are you going to do? Shoot me?" Kaidan looked doubtfully at him.

"It depends! I want you to leave!" Shepard pointed at the door. "Now!"

Both men stepped slowly towards the door and Kaidan signed loudly. "It's like history repeating itself! Only this time, would you pull the trigger?"

"That depends on you!" Shepard pointed at the door again. But Kaidan had already stopped. He looked Shepard deep in the eyes and then, he reached out for the pistol in Shepard's hand and pulled it to his chest.

"Then do it, Shepard, if you dare!" Kaidan said determined.

Shepard only heisted for few seconds, enough to let Kaidan charge his biotic and smash him with a jolt of dark energy. John tumbled backwards a few step and stopped at the table. He felt dizzy and was fighting to stay conscious. Kaidan took the gun from his hand and tossed it on the couch, too far away for Shepard to get it again.

"You'll do what I want, Soldier!"

"You… know… you can't make me!" Shepard wiped away the blood from the corner of his. "What are you going to do?"

"You, Commander!" Kaidan said, coming towards him.

"Screw you!"

"That's what I'm about to do with you!" Kaidan pushed him back on the table and pushed his shirt up to his chest. Shepard felt back on the surface and was fighting with the headache he just had. Kaidan scratched his belly and kissed his skin. Whatever Shepard wanted this or not, his cock hardened more and pressed against his pants. Kaidan opened it quickly and rubbed his cock. Shepard moaned and wanted to push Kaidan away, but his hands fell powerless to the side of his body he just let Kaidan kiss him.

"I'm not your whore, Alenko!" He moaned feebly.

"Shut up, Soldier!" Kaidan wiped away the blood in the corner of Shepard's mouth and forced his tongue in again. He then grabbed Shepard's pants and pulled it to the ankles. Kaidan bent over Shepard to kiss his neck, but his beard and hair were in the way. When he was licking over Shepard's neck and face, the former Commander picked up where he left off. He put his hands under Kaidan's uniform and scratched his back.

Kaidan opened his own pants and the he spit in his hand and wet himself before doing the same for Shepard. He pushed Shepard's legs back to his chest and penetrated him hard. Shepard tried to resist, he wanted to push Kaidan away, but there were not strength in his arms, and he was pushed to the table hard. He refused to let Kaidan fuck him, wanted to punch him. But just couldn't. As soon as Kaidan entered him and going in deeper slowly, he had lost this battle. Once he got over the initial, he was moaning and grunting, moving his body in Kaidan's rhythm as he thrust into him.

"You're… going …to…regret… … this, Alenko!" Shepard moaned whispering. "I'm… going… to … … GOD!" Shepard trembled when Kaidan used his hands to massage Shepard's hard and bouncing dick.

"That's right!" Kaidan bumped into Shepard hard again. "What are you supposed to say, Commander?"

"Fuck you, Major!" Shepard grunted.

"Wrong answer!" Kaidan dragged Shepard's long hair and pulled his head back.

Shepard screamed and whispered with disgust. "Fuck me, Major! Fuck me hard!"

"Good boy!" And Kaidan pressed himself deep into Shepard.

As much as Shepard liked being possessed by Kaidan, he knew, what they were having wasn't just some game in the bedroom. He knew this was a real rape. Shepard closed his eyes and just let Kaidan fuck him. Although his mind refused it, his body was enjoying what Kaidan was doing to him. Soon, he caught himself reaching out his hands and grabbed Kaidan's uniform and ripped it off him. The lust had blurred his mind again.

"You bastard!" he said.

"You … only speak… … if I tell … … you to, Commander!" Kaidan grabbed his dick and rubbed it. "Am I clear?"

"Yes, sir!" Shepard shouted.

"Commander!" Kaidan gasped. "I want you… to say… you love me!"

"Shut up, Kaidan and just fuck me!"

"Say, you love me!" Kaidan bent over him more and bit deep into Shepard's neck. Both men were flaring blue, which slowly burned the clothes from their skin. They kissed each other like wild animals and when they approached their climax, they fucked like there was no tomorrow.

"Say it, John, say you love me!" Kaidan bumped into him again.

"Oh god, Kaidan!" Shepard screamed, partly because of the pain, and partly because of the lust.

Kaidan fucked him harder, sending a lustful thrill through his whole body. Shepard grabbed the edge of the table and pressed his body hard to Kaidan's. The colonel could feel Shepard was close and he couldn't hold on much longer. He slowed down to make this last a little bit longer; he didn't want it to end so fast.

"C'mon, Kaidan!" Shepard gasped and pulled him deeper into him. Kaidan had to hold on to something not to come inside him.

"I'm coming!" Kaidan shouted and jerked Shepard harder.

"Come inside me!" Shepard said moaning and pulled Kaidan's head to his. He went on his elbows and kissed Kaidan. They moved together a few more times and then Shepard came first, followed closely by Kaidan.


	12. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11: Cargo**

Shepard laid on his couch with Kaidan leaning against him and breathing calmly. They had emptied the bottle of whiskey Kaidan had brought with him, and both stared just silently of the window. In the half hour since they had fought neither of them had spoken a word; they just laid half-naked on the couch and watched the stars together. Shepard was playing with Kaidan's hair, while Kaidan let the glass float in a biotic field.

After a long silence Shepard asked. "What are we doing?"

Kaidan didn't answer at first. He didn't know what to say. It felt right, although everything just went wrong. He still had no doubts about Shepard. He knew, he just couldn't be any safer. "I don't know…" Kaidan answered whispering and stoked Shepard's arm.

"Where is this going?" Shepard mumbled quietly and sighed. "Are we doing the right thing?"

Kaidan remained silent and looked out of the window. There were many stars in the sky tonight. "Look there!" - pointing at a very bright star - "I think that's the sun of Horizon…"

"Maybe…" Shepard nodded.

"John… we got passed Horizon together, can we get passed this, too?" Kaidan stopped stroking him and looked up into his face.

The Commander didn't answer; he just looked into the distance, his mind was far away. Kaidan looked at him closely and couldn't avoid asking himself, what really happened the last few years. He had noticed more scars on Shepard's body and the man seemed to have grown apart from this world.

"John…" Kaidan repeated. "Can we get passed this?"

Shepard turned his face to Kaidan and gave him a small kiss on his forehead. "I don't know. So much happened… not only for you…"

"What do you mean?" He leaned back into Shepard's arms. "Tell me…"

"One day." Shepard said.

Kaidan could feel Shepard wasn't comfortable of talking about the time in his captivity, so he didn't asked further. He didn't know where this was going. There was a canyon between them and although both of them wanted to cross it, they didn't know where to start. He let his head rest on Shepard's chest and listened to his heartbeat when somebody knocked on the door.

"Are you expecting anyone?" He asked.

Shepard shook his head, and stood up to walk for the door. Before he could reach it, he saw the console appearing on it; someone was bypassing the security protocol. He stepped back and gave Kaidan a sign to take cover. Kaidan jumped back behind a shelf and Shepard himself hid behind another. The door opened and Matt stepped into the apartment.

Shepard came out from behind the shelf when he saw the red-headed man and looked surprised. "What are you doing here?" He said quickly.

Matt stepped into the room and handed a data pad to him. Shepard carefully read the message and his eyes went wide.

_"Evidence secured. Head for the Citadel immediately. - Hackett."_

"Now?" Shepard asked.

"Of course." Matt said briskly, he then leaned over to Shepard and gave a sniff. "Are you drunk?"

"Only a little dizzy…" Shepard answered quietly.

"Oh shit!" Matt cursed. "Is Kaidan still here?"

Shepard nodded slowly and Kaidan came out from behind the shelf and looked at him grimly. His eyes were saying "if you touch him, I'll fucking kill you" to Matt and the young man understood what he meant. He stepped a little further away from Shepard. Kaidan looked at him closely and then recognized him.

"You're the guy working for Liara! I've seen you in London and yesterday with Hackett! You're a Shadow Broker Agent!" Kaidan looked at Matt and then at Shepard. "What is going on here?"

Matt looked at Kaidan arrogantly and said dry. "It's none of your business."

"I'm not asking you!" Kaidan snubbed him. "John! What's going on here?"

"Nothing!" Shepard said evasively. "Liara helped me escape and now she's taking care of me!"

"Bullshit!" Kaidan shouted. "Something is going on here…" Kaidan thought a moment. "First Liara and Hackett are putting their heads together, and not telling me, you're back! Something very rotten is happening here!"

"Kaidan…" Shepard said.

"Don't Kaidan me, again! It's business here!" He turned around to Matt and grabbed him hard. He pushed him against the wall and strangled him with his arm. "What is going on here?" He said harsh.

"Stop!" Shepard stepped between them and tried to push Kaidan away. "I have a mission, and when it's done, I'll explain, okay! But let the kid go!"

"So what! You care about him?" Kaidan snarled at him.

"Yeah, I do! He was keeping me company." Shepard pulled Kaidan away from Matt and stood between them. "Just calm down!"

Kaidan looked at Shepard, hurt. "Keeping Company, huh! How long have you been back?"

Shepard hesitated to answer, but then whispered. "A few weeks…"

"A few Weeks!" Kaidan said unbelieving. "I thought you've been back only few days! And you didn't think to tell me! Tell me you're alive?" – looking angrily at him – "I can understand the Alliance wants to keep this from me, but you?"

"I couldn't tell you. I have a mission, and that means absolute silence to everyone." Shepard put his hand to his head and ran it through his hair. "I already disobeyed the orders by seeing you! But now, Kaidan. Please trust me, I'll explain. It's a long story and…"

"Commander!" Matt said quietly. "We have to go…"

"He's going nowhere! As a Council Spectre, I have to authority to keep him under house arrest…" Kaidan began to speak when Matt raised his hand to command silence.

"With all due respect, Spectre. But this is a council hearing requiring Shepard's presence."

"Council hearing?" Kaidan sounded stunned. "What is going on?"

Shepard turned to Matt and said quickly. "Please, Matt. Give us a second!" The agent hesitated a little and but then walked out of the door.

"Kaidan, listen!" he started slowly. "The human Councilor is building an army. And I need to stop them!"

"Of course, we are building an army! We don't actually have one left from the war!" Kaidan said fast.

"It's not that kind of army. I'm talking about synthetic life, true AIs with unbreakable shackles in clone vessels! Biologically superior and controlled by chip implants."

"No, is isn't true. Councilor Russo is only thinking of the best for the human race. What you're talking about isn't true." Kaidan shook his head. "Who told you that? Hackett? Don't believe him! He missed his change to be Councilor three years ago and now, he's using all his resources to secure this position for himself."

"Stop! Listen to me!" Shepard grabbed Kaidan by his arms. "I've been there. I've seen the evidences, it's real. He's working with ex-Cerberus cells."

"Russo?" Kaidan looked at him surprised. "Cerberus. You mean the Prometheans; his engagement in technology research to bring humanity forward? "

"You know about the undertaking?" The Commander sounded surprised. "Do you support it?"`

"Shepard! It's nothing illegal or bad about it! I'm not standing on Cerberus' side, those were radical terrorist, but the Prometheans are people, who use their influence for good!"

"Are you kidding me?" Shepard shook him. "Those people locked me up for three years and experimented on me! They tortured me and almost killed me!"

"No! I know the Councilor, he's a decent man! He'll never do what Udina did!" Kaidan pushed Shepard back.

"He's worse! He wants to control the galaxy! Trust me, Kaidan. If you've seen what I've seen, you'll understand it! Come with me! We have to stop him!" Shepard grabbed Kaidan's hand and said almost begging.

"No! I'm a Spectre! I won't turn against the Council!" Kaidan took his hands away from Shepard.

"Just as Hackett thought. That's why we didn't consult you! He was afraid, when it comes to Council against Alliance, you'll choose the Council's side!"

Kaidan walked away from Shepard a little bit and said agitated. "It's not about choosing sides! It's about my duty!"

"Don't be a fool! Russo is not the Council, he's only on man! The evidences are clear. He's guilty! Come with me!"

"No!" Kaidan said driven.

"Then step out of my way!" Shepard said loud, a little agitated.

"No! I can't let you…" Kaidan went to grab his pistol on his side, when he realized, he had thrown it into the corner of the room before. He quickly ran for his gun and Shepard saw his change to get away. He opened the door and ran outside, half naked and barefooted.

Shepard found Matt standing before his door, talking on the Comm, and he grabbed his hand and ran down the corridor. "Let's go! Now!"

Matt ran after Shepard towards the elevator. "The shuttle is standing on the roof and the Sydney is ready to take off!"

"SSV Sydney?" Shepard said surprised. "Vega's ship?"

"Yes, and he's already informed!" He shouted while he ran.

Before they reached the Elevator, Shepard saw the bullet hit the elevator door in front of them. Shepard turned around quickly and saw Kaidan pointing his pistol at them. "Don't go! Shepard! It's a mistake!"

"I have to!" Shepard said loudly, still running. "I have a mission!" He jumped into the elevator, pushing Matt in front of him and waited until the door closed. He saw Kaidan running towards them and right before he reached them, the door shut. Shepard and Matt both sighed in relief. "That bastard fired at me!" Shepard said, stunned leaning his head hard against the wall.

Kaidan stopped before the elevator and cursed. He pressed the up button for the other elevator and waited impatiently. He activated his comm and contacted the Normandy.

"Joker! Prepare for emergency departure! Call in the crew now! We're heading for the Citadel!"

"Yes, Commander!" Joker replied.

James Vega walked determinedly towards Shepard and Matt, already in his full armor and a shotgun in his hand. "The ship is ready to take off." He said towards Matt. "Is this the cargo?" he pointed casually towards Shepard, obviously not recognizing him.

"That's right." Matt replied briskly and walked on board the SSV Sydney. Shepard looked at the sister ship and nodded, impressed. The four core heavy mounted frigate was almost double the size of the Normandy, with heavy exterior weapon system and massive canons. When he walked on board the ship, he could feel the vibration under his feet.

"Steve," James said, after all of them went on deck. "Take us to the Citadel."

"Yes, Commander." Steve's voice came over the comm.

Shepard's former pilot left the docks in Vancouver and flew directly towards the Sol Relay. It took them only minutes to get out of the atmosphere and heading to the FTL. Shepard felt the SSV Sydney was a huge version of the Normandy, equipped like a small dreadnought. Its firepower could compare to a larger frigate. He walked by many machines and engineering rooms on board, eventually stopping in the CIC.

He didn't see many people on board; most stations were empty and only a few soldiers on the cargo deck and in the CIC. He had a look around and recognized the same layout as on the Normandy. James spoke to some fellow soldiers and didn't pay any attention to him and Matt at all. Shepard turned around to Matt and whispered.

"The Commander is not briefed about me?" He asked, suspiciously. He could imagine James' reaction once he found out who he was.

"Only the essentials. The less he knows, the less complicated it is."

"As you say, but the ship is abnormally empty…" Shepard said a little louder and James walked towards them.

"It's empty because most of my crew is on shore leave. Didn't expect to have to carry out some emergency mission, thank god there was a replacement crew standing by." He looked at Shepard from top to bottom and narrowed his eyes. "So, who are you? What did you do, that makes you so important?"

Shepard opened his mouth to say something, but Matt cut him off. "I'm sorry, Commander. We don't have the authority to answer that question. Admiral Hackett already briefed you."

"Okay… okay…" James backed off a little bit. "Hackett already said you Shadow Broker agents are pain in the ass. That was just a question." He looked at both of the men again, and shook his head. "What kind of people are you? You, Ginger! Isn't it cold to walk around without a jacket? And you, Moses, where do you think you are? Training pants, tight hoodie and no shoes! Are you going to tell me what is this all about?"

Shepard looked down, and realized he must look like hobo standing there. At least Matt gave him his hoodie so he didn't had to walk around half naked.

"It was urgent and I had to pick up the Com…, the cargo in a hurry." Matt tried to stay calm.

James raised an eyebrow. "That much of a hurry, he didn't have time to put on some shoes?"

"Yes, that much of a hurry. If you don't mind, Commander, now we're already approaching the Sol Relay, I have to contact the Shadow Broker for further orders. Please excuse me." He stepped away and activated his comm. Shepard and James stood awkwardly in front of each other and remained the uncomfortable silence until James turned around to the man standing behind him and said loudly. "Hey, you, soldier! What's your name?"

"Lieutenant Lucian Monroe, sir!" The man came to him and saluted.

"Monroe, get this man something to put on!" James said when Matt came back to them and looked at him curiously.

"Commander… Is there a malfunction in the long-range-communications systems?"

James looked surprised. "No, why?"

"Every channel is jammed. I can't reach anyth..." Matt was typing something on his omni-tool when a bullet hit him between the eyes.

Shepard immediately turned around and saw the end of an assault rifle coming for him. It hit him hard and made him dizzy. The alcohol in his system wasn't helping him to stay focused. He fell on the metal floor and biting his teeth together not to vomit. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw two men trying to hold James Vega down. But the Arms Master resisted and beat one of them down, before he ran out of the CIC. The other one picked up the assault rifle and shot in the direction where the Commander disappeared.

"Nooo!" Shepard shouted and got himself another hit on the head. He was fighting to stay conscious and he could feel how the guards hit him hard. He numbly heard a woman's voice and the attackers stopped beating him. She stopped in front of him as he lay on the floor and crouched down to take a look at him. Her fire-red hair was the last thing, he saw before he lost conscious.

Joker called up a console window and typed in his command. The Normandy flew out of the Nebula with record speed and minimum crew. Believe it or not, there were only three people on board. Since Kaidan took over the ship, the crew already been downsized a great deal, but it had never been navigated by only three people. Kaidan ran around in the engineering room and checked all the systems, while Joker was navigating towards the Sol Relay.

"Talk to me, Joker. How's the Normandy doing?" Kaidan said.

"Great!" Joker's voice came out of the speakers. "It's my baby. Maximum speed and smooth as a leaf in the wind."

"Good. We have to arrive at the Citadel first." Kaidan checked the core workload and everything was in the green zone.

"First? Are we trying to win a race? Is this confidential or am I allowed asking why?" Joker said.

"I think someone is going to attack the Councilor…"

"Who's crazy enough to assassinate a Council member?" Joker almost laughed.

"Hey, I didn't say assassinate. I said attack. That's something else entirely." Kaidan replied.

"Okay… okay. I'll fly it as fast as possible. And we'll reach the relay in 2 minutes, sir." Joker said calm as usual.

"I'm on my way!" Kaidan said and closed the console he was working on.

He walked into the CIC, passed Traynor standing at the comm and towards the cockpit. Out of the window of the Normandy, Kaidan could already see the Sol Relay. It was brand new and as powerful as the old. The Sol relay might now be the most used Relay in the galaxy, since many ships were stranded in the Sol system, after the Relay was destroyed during the Catalyst blast. But the combined engineering of all managed to fix the severe damage within a few short months.

"We are connected… Calculating transit mass and destination… The relay is hot, acquiring relay vector… All stations secure for transit." Joker said in his routines voice. Although there were no others on board to hear this, the pilot still tried to keep to protocol as much as possible. "The board is green. Beginning approach run."

"Okay, Joker, bring it on." Kaidan said.

"Hitting the relay in 5… 4…" Joker began to counting down.

"Stop!" Samantha Traynor yelled and ran into the cockpit. Kaidan turned around and saw panic in her face. Kaidan's instinct told him to listen to her, before they jumped through the relay.

"Abort, abort!" Kaidan shouted and Joker immediately typed his command into the console. The Normandy flew with its maximum speed pass the relay and into the deep space.

"What's wrong?" Kaidan said and looked at Traynor worried.

"Sorry, Commander." She breathed relieved. "I was scanning the frequencies when I found a distress call, coming from this sector."

"A distress call?" Kaidan said surprised. "There are plenty of Alliance ships out there; we don't have time for rescue missions."

"That's what I thought and why I didn't report it ten minutes ago. But then I took a look, it was answered by the SSV Hawking." She made a hand sign to command silence when Joker wanted to say something. "I'm pretty sure; the SSV Hawking was destroyed when the Reapers hit the Acturrus Station."

"So," Kaidan asked again. "It's a fraud."

"Yes. Commander, it seems that way." Traynor nodded. "Shouldn't we go to their rescue?"

Kaidan shook his head. "We can pass it on to another ship. Which ship sent the call?"

"I'm not sure. The identification code is incomplete." She said hesitated, typing something on the data pad. "But it is certainly an Alliance vessel. Frigate class."

"An Alliance frigate being attacked in the Alliance space? That's unlikely. Joker, stand by for the jump. The Council has priority." Kaidan said commanding and took the pad out of her hand and replayed the audio record.

"… re amb…, … hostile on… … crewmem … …sting help… argo...ge… …lost…ah…." The short recording stopped and only static noise left.

"This sounds serious." Joker said and flew slower around the relay. "Should we go to their coordinates?"

"Not yet." Kaidan said. "The council has priority!"

"Yes sir, but..." She hesitated.

"What it it?" Kaidan said impatient.

"Sir, I've already checked the approach and departure list of the Alliance vessels. It's the SSV Sydney calling for help."

"James!" Kaidan whispered loud. Thinking of his close friend being attacked by others made him feel guilty if he didn't come to their help. Kaidan looked around in the ship and into the faces of his friends. "Let me hear the message again!"

Traynor did as asked and Joker looked up to Kaidan with expectation. He already set the course of the rescue in another console in case Kaidan decide to help. Kaidan recognized Steve's voice and bit his lips while thinking. He started to find the missing letters and then suddenly, the words made sense. Kaidan typed down the message and handed over to Traynor and then Joker. Traynor took the pad and looked down at the written version of the recording. She said quietly. "We're ambushed. Hostile on board. Crewmen down. Requesting help. Cargo lost."

_Cargo lost. Cargo… _

Kaidan's mind latched on to this word and a presentiment came in his mind. What was the Cargo? He had heard that term being used to describe an important data or person during his elite assault time. _But why is James carrying out an elite mission? Wasn't he on shore leave? _Then he went through many possibilities. He remembered in yesterday's briefing, Hackett looked nervous, checking his omni-tool for incoming message every minute. Then his though wondered. Before he lost Shepard out of sight, he could somehow remember heard the red-headed man mention the Sydney before they disappeared into the elevator and just there, everything made sense to him. Shepard was the cargo James' carrying. _But_ _hostile on board_? _What did it mean? Infiltrator on board of an Alliance vessel?_ But the idea of Shepard, lying dead in the corner of the ship made him numb.

"Commander!" Traynor rattled on his shoulder. "We need orders!"

"Yeah. Citadel or Sydney?" Joker said loud.

Kaidan looked around a little stunned and then to the words on Traynor's pad. "Shepard…" he whispered slowly.

"What?" Joker asked. "Did you just say, Shepard, sir?"

Kaidan tried to reorient himself and shook his head. "Yes, I said Shepard." He wasn't sure what he should think of that. It could be a trap. If Shepard was travelling with the Sydney, they knew, they were slower and it might be their tactic to lure the Normandy away in order to be the first to arrive the Citadel. Kaidan thought carefully about his options. But then, the picture of Shepard being attack by hostile force came to his mind. What will happen, if he was right? What will happen, if he chose the Council over Shepard? He pictured the loss his lover again and the sudden panic showed him what he should choose.

"Joker, take us to the Sydney. We have to help them." He walked out of the cockpit quickly and towards the elevator.

"Sir, should we call for reinforcement?" Traynor asked while walking behind him.

"No!" Kaidan said very certain. "Let's take a look at it first."

"But what are you doing, sir?" Traynor asked, watching Kaidan getting in the elevator. "Should we arm the weapon station?"

"No. I'm going to gear up!" he said loud and entered the elevator. "Tell joker to bring us as close as possible and prepare a space jump for me!"


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: One last jump**

Kaidan stood in the space jump cabin and waited until the air lock opened. A trans-vessel jump like this was dangerous and he had not attempted one since his boot camp days. Theoretically he only had to slowly push off from the cabin and use the biotic to correct him path. Only strong biotics had this opportunity to accomplish this act, but Kaidan still was nervous about it. He knew once he deactivated the magnetic boots holding him to the ground, he would be floating in space, feely and maybe deadly once he came off path.

"Opening door in thirty seconds, Commander." Joker said. "I'll stay at the back side of the Sydney after the deploy. If we keep in position, they won't see us."

"Go on. If I'm not back in one hour, report to HQ." Kaidan said.

"Yes, sir. Opening door in 3… 2… 1…"

The air lock opened up and Kaidan could feel how his whole body was tugged toward the door, but his boots held him back. He waited a few seconds until the pressure had normalized in the cabin and the feeling of being pulled stopped. Then he slowly deactivated his magnetic boots and then pushed off from the floor. A blue flaring field covered his body and concentrated on moving himself within the energy.

"Fifty meters." Kaidan said while directing his body towards the Sydney. From this perspective, the second frigate in the Normandy-class looked so enormous and heavy. "Forty meters." He was beginning to feel the strain of keeping his biotic working. He had never used it in zero gravity before. "Thirty meters." He said again. "No radio contacts anymore. Stay silent."

"Good Luck, Kaidan." Joker said, and he could hear the sudden silence in his helmet. No static noise, no background voices. Absolutely nothing.

"Okay, good luck, Kaidan!" He told himself and floated. Soon he reached the halfway point. Now there was no going back for him. He focused on the biotic as the sides of the Sydney came closer, and he was grateful there were no windows on the back of the ship.

Shepard could hear two people arguing when he regained consciousness on the floor. He opened his eyes and saw the cargo hold of the ship.

"That's not what we agreed!" He heard the woman shouting.

"I have my orders!" A man with a unknown voice replied calmly.

"I smuggled you on board on my conditions! We had an agreement!" She said loud again, more demanding this time.

Shepard opened his eyes fully and pulled himself up onto his knees. His hands were tied together and his head hurt terribly; like Thresher Maw's hammers were knocking against his temples. "Hey…" he said. But the fighting people didn't listen to him. "Hey!" He shouted louder and the man and the woman turned their heads to him.

"You!" Shepard said when he recognized the woman with fire-red hair. "You're Kaidan's bitch!"

"How dare you!" She walked quickly to him and hit him hard with the back of her pistol. "I'm his girlfriend."

"Ex-girlfriend!" Shepard said – smirking - causing her to hit him again. Shepard fell down on the floor and stayed there this time. He saw no point in arguing with her. He was unarmed, unarmored and unmobilzed, despite the fact she was the one holding a weapon. Shepard looked at her and the blonde man by turn and said more to himself than to her. "So, it's you who's behind this. You infiltrated your own ship."

"Smart!" Mira sneered. "But that won't help you!"

The man walked towards her and whispered something in her ear and Mira turned towards him angrily. "NO! I'll do it my way!"

"Fine!" The man said, annoyed and stepped beside. "But make it fast!"

Mira nodded. "Commander Shepard!" She started. "Do you know why you're here?"

"I guess, I'm here, because you are a little bitch who can't handle being dumped!" He said sarcastically.

She slapped him hard, but not enough for him to feel any more pain. "You think this is only about Kaidan?" She slapped him again. "No! It's about you!" Mira pulled out a small knife and threatened him with it. "It's all about you!" She shouted. "This!" She opened her arms to present the cargo hold. "This is your courtroom and today is your judgment day! We're your judge and your hangmen! And we charge you for crimes against humanity!"

"Crimes against humanity?" Shepard looked at her confused.

"Yes! You, the great hero the Reaper war! The savior of the citadel!" She started. The blonde man stood next to her; he neither moved nor talked. He just stood here and listened to her. "Commander Shepard! You were more willing to sacrifice the human fleet to save an Asari whore, a mad Salarian and an old-fashioned Turian than us! You sacrificed my father for some aliens who denied humanity in every way they could. Your actions have drowned millions of humans in despair and death; including my mother. It was you fault! You would rather run after the Alliance, who despised you and imprisoned you, rather than help a real organization willing to help humanity. You left us when we needed you the most! Your escape on the day when the Reapers attacked destroyed every single hope of us. My brother died in my arms to save me after you've abandoned us! You left us behind to be slaughtered by the Reapers! You killed my family and million others, John Shepard! Don't explain! You can't! Their death should haunt you and their souls your burden. "

"You're mad!" Shepard snapped at her. "Have you ever asked yourself the question, what would have happened, if I stayed? Who would have brought the fleet together to fight? There was no hope for us alone in this war. Have you ever considered that?" He was rising up and spoke louder and louder, eventually coming back on his knees again.

"Yes, I did!" She replied driven and fast. "I've asked myself that question thousand times! What if I'm just looking for someone to blame! But that's not the point. I'm not the only person out there you've hurt and abandoned. Yes, you saved the Galaxy, but have you ever thought of the sacrifice your own race had to make? "

Shepard looked down for a moment. He actually thought about it, too. He asked himself many times, if the sacrifice he had made was worth the deaths, but if he really looked back into the past, they all would have lost the battle. "You're taking all this much too personally! We were at war and a war like that demands sacrifices." He tried to stay calm.

"That's easy for you to say! You didn't have to treat wounds and see soldiers dying in your arms, screaming for their mothers! I had to take care of those you had hurt. My mother, my brother who worshiped you, and Kaidan! It took me more than a year to put him back together, build him up and get him back on track after the Normandy went down. He was such a wreck without you. It hurt me when I saw him suffering under the fate of loving you. And just when I thought, I could be someone more than just a doctor for him; you had to come back from the dead. But with the first sign of you being alive, he was gone! Why couldn't you stay dead? You would have spared a lot of people a lot of trouble." She started weeping. Shepard almost felt sorry for her, if she hadn't slapped him again.

He silently agreed with her, what she said was true. He had never seen this side of the pain before. For him, it was only the next fight, the next mission until they succeed. Mira wiped away her tears and her sadness turned into anger. She continued in a louder voice. "My mother would still be alive, my brother, too. And even Kaidan! One death wasn't enough for you, I guess. The Shepard! You had to die again! It took me two years to get him this time. He was nice, handsome, and a woman's dream and together, we had a bright future. Then I had to notice, this man is still wearing your mark! You, the great Commander Shepard, how could someone not love you? You could have the entire galaxy, every girl from every race, but you had to choose Kaidan, and you know what is the worse than loving your left overs? Knowing that, he'll never love me the way he loved you! You, even when you were dead, you had to steal my man!"

"C'mon!" Shepard said annoyed. "It is about Kaidan after all!"

She stood up, looking at him angry and judgmental. "It doesn't matter, what it is about. The Prometheans had sentenced you to death and today, the legend of John Shepard will end!" She raised the gun and pointed it between his eyes. "Remember this, when you take you last breath! I hate you, and I'm not alone!"

Kaidan ran down the corridor of the engineering deck and started to get nervous when he didn't come across anyone. He entered the ship above the emergency escape hatchway near the captain's cabin. The CIC was empty as was the cockpit, and the blood trail on the floor made him think the worst. He hoped, his friends were still alive, but beside the dead body of an unknown Alliance soldier, there was nobody. He followed the blood trail but it ended in front of the elevator. He went on floor down and found an empty mess hall and the very silent crew deck. He looked over to the med-bay and felt ashamed, when the first thought of him pointed to Shepard but the girlfriend he had for one year. He told himself to take a further look into the med-bay to make sure, everything was okay. Then he went down to the engineering deck.

It was also silent, he could hear the Sydney's core working and then, when he wanted to check the right corridor, he heard somebody moan. Kaidan opened up the door to the brick on the left of the corridor and entered slowly. He activated his biotic barrier and stepped further into the room. He glanced quick behind the door and saw two other men standing towards the on cell and pointing their guns at them. Kaidan saw their Alliance uniform and let his guards down. He stood up and came behind the door.

Just before he wanted to say something, the two soldiers turned around to him and fired few salvoes. The bullets hit his shield and instinctively Kaidan took his SMG and shot back. Kaidan let his biotic flow and caught the first one in his field. He stepped from behind the door with his shields on and his biotic at its peak. He drained the life of the other men and held their bullets at the same time. Seconds after the men were caught in his field; they fell down to the floor and lost consciousness. Kaidan looked down to the two Alliance soldier and was confused. But his thoughts were interrupted by James.

"Hallelujah!" The latino Commander said, drawing Kaidan's attention to him.

"James!" Kaidan said and ran over to the cell. "What happened?"

James shook his head. "I don't know. They suddenly started attacking us." He was holding Steve in his arms, pressing on his wound with his bare hand.

"Are you okay?" Kaidan asked.

"I'm okay. Only two bullets in the leg. Guess running is not an option for me anymore." James answered, still pressing on Steve's chest wound. "You have medi-gels?"

"Here you go!" Kaidan pulled out two capsules and handed them over to James. "How is he?"

"Two of these," James held the medi-gel injections and pointed at Steve in his arms. "he should be safe, but that man wasn't that lucky!" He pointed over toward Matt. Kaidan looked at the man and he felt sorry for him.

"Where is the rest of your crew?" Kaidan stood up, looking across the room for something.

"Shore leave!" James said loud. "Lucky for them!"

Kaidan nodded, relieved. "Where is the cargo?"

James rolled with his eyes. "It's him who got us here in the first place."

"Where is Shepard?" Kaidan said louder, impatiently.

"Shepard?" James looked at him surprised. "What Shepard? The Shepard?"

Kaidan began to bypass the cell doors lock. "Shepard is the cargo! That's they asked you to transport him! Where is he?"

James opened his eyes wide and looked amazed. "Shit! Down in the cargo hold! Forget the door! Go get him! They're going to kill him!"

He took his hand away from the door and ran out of the cell quickly. "Hold on, James. I'll come back later!"

Kaidan took one of the elevators to the cargo hold and dropped to a crawling position. He ducked behind the crates for cover when he heard the voice of a girl whispering. He peeked over the crates and shivered, when he saw her fire her gun. The man kneeling in front of her fell to the side.

"Shepard!" Kaidan shouted and jumped over the crate, running towards the body twitching on the floor. "No, no, no, no!" He shouted loudly. He was so focused on Shepard, he almost forgot to check the perimeter. He bend over the body and was about to turn it over, when someone shot at him. His shield was still working, but the impact made him tumble over the struggling man. He turned around fast and fired wildly.

Mira gave a strident scream and ducked behind a crate for cover. Lucian hid behind the console for the cargo port and fired from behind its cover. Kaidan struggled to drag Shepard's body out of the line of fire and left a big trail of blood on the ground.

"Hold your fire, Lucian!" Mira shouted from behind the crate. "It's Kaidan! Stop shooting!"

Lucian held his fire and so did Kaidan. He bent over Shepard again and opened his hoodie. Mira shot him in the chest. The Commander was covered in blood, and more blood came out from the bullet hole. Shepard was choking and spitting blood, fighting to stay conscious. Kaidan took a closer look and saw the bullet hit his right lung.

"Don't! John! Stay with me!" Kaidan hastily took Shepard's head to place on his lap and tried to take out his medi-gel with his shaky hands. His fingers were covered in Shepard's blood and the capsule kept slipping from his fingers. Eventually he got and pumped both of the injection into Shepard's body. "Don't die! Don't do this again!" He watched Shepard stop choking, but the hole in his chest still didn't stop bleeding. Soon the whole floor around them were covered with blood.

He turned around and saw Mira. "Mira! Please! Help him!" He begged, but his ex-girlfriend just stood there and watched the wounded man struggle.

"Mira! Please! I beg you! Help him!" Kaidan shouted, still keeping pressure on the wound. He pressed on the medi-gel again to find his dispenser empty. He had given the other half to James. "At least give me some medi-gel! He's dying!" He shouted.

Mira was looking down at him, unsure what she should do, when Lucian came to her side and said coldly. "That's the point."

Kaidan ignored what he said and looked at Mira. "Please, Mira. You're a doctor! You're supposed to save lives not take them! Help him!"

She looked around hesitating. "I…. I can't!" She turned away. "I have my orders."

Kaidan looked down at Shepard and felt resigned, but he kept pressing on his wound. The blood had already run over his whole hands and Shepard's breathing had become weaker. Kaidan bent over his body, unable to do anything.

"Let me end it quickly for him!" Lucian stepped forward and tried to push Kaidan away. But Kaidan turned around and pointed his gun at him. "Don't even think about it!" He said loudly.

"With all due respect, Spectre Alenko, but I have my orders too. They are to eliminate the target whatever the cost!" He raised his gun to point it at him. "I'm sure, the Councilor would understand this necessary evil."

"The Councilor?" Kaidan said, carefully placing himself in front of Shepard. "He's really behind this?" Kaidan whispered more to himself than to the others.

"Please, Spectre. I don't want to kill you! The Prometheans sure could use you, but Shepard has to be eliminated!"

"Forget it!" Kaidan shouted. "If you want to get to him, you'll have to go through me first!"

"Very well!" Lucian said and prepared his ammo, so did Kaidan.

Kaidan and Lucian shot at each other at the same time, but neither of them hit. Kaidan jumped behind a crate away from Shepard and kept firing. Lucian hid again behind the console and fired from there. Mira crawled away behind some crates and screamed again. She had never seen this kind of gun fights before. Kaidan used his biotic to reave, but that didn't do much damage to his opponent. Soon they ran out of ammo and they had to carry out this fight with bare fists. Kaidan used his biotic as much as he could, but Lucian seemed to be an equal enemy. Although he seemed not to have any biotic power, he was tough as a Krogan battlemaster.

Kaidan caught him and wanted punch him hard in the belly with his biotic charged fist, but Lucian caught his arm first. He raised his hands and gave Kaidan a clout. Kaidan had never seen this kind of strength before. He looked up surprised and raised his other hand; but Lucian also caught it.

"Spectre, do you see what the Prometheans mean? We're tougher, stronger and faster!" He kicked Kaidan in the belly and Kaidan crouched of pain. "Join us, don't fight us!"

"What do you want?" Kaidan said while trying to block the attacks.

"What do we want?" Lucian laughed loudly. "Only the world! When the other races decide to be humble before nature, decide to die with dignity and fade in time, humanity will prevail."

Kaidan reaved again and this time, Lucian choked a little bit.

"Is this all you have?" Lucian grabbed Kaidan and punched him. "I'll give you one last chance to join us!"

"No! You're no better than Cerberus!" Kaidan spit in Lucian's face.

"You're wrong!" Lucian put his hands around Kaidan's neck to strangle him, lifting him from the ground. "We are more than Cerberus!"

Kaidan choked and struggled to get air, but the blonde man in front of him was too strong. Lucian didn't show any mercy and closed his fingers harder. Before he could put more strength to his arms to break his neck, Mira ran to him from the side and pushed him to the side.

"Lucian! Don't!" She begged. "Don't kill him! It's Shepard you're after! And he's as good as dead! Let Kaidan go!" But Lucian didn't listen to her; he looked down at her angrily and slapped her with the back of his hard. His slap pushed her across the room a few steps and she slipped on Shepard's blood. She fell down hard and heard the bone of her arm crack. She whined quietly. Kaidan took the moment when Lucian let one arm down and punched him hard with the biotic energy.

Mira was lying on the ground, moaning, when she saw her gun on the floor, two steps away from Shepard. She must have dropped it earlier, when they started shooting at each other. She started crawling and just when she almost had her hand on the gun, another hand placed on it and about to take it away from her. She followed the bloody hand and saw Shepard looking at her grimly, but weak. He was still spitting blood, and it already covered his face and torso, but his chest wound had stopped bleeding. They both struggled for the gun until Shepard could secure the weapon by scratching her hand. He pointed the gun at Mira and shouted. "Stop!"

Lucian ran towards Kaidan and pinned him against the wall. He grabbed the knife Mira had dropped and put it to Kaidan's throat. "Welcome back, Commander!"

"Let him go! Or I'll shoot her!" Shepard shouted.

"You'll shoot her, I'll kill him, and when you're done watching your lover boy die, I'll gladly kill you!" Lucian laughed madly. "It's your call!"

"What do you want?" Shepard grabbed Mira and walked backwards with her.

"Your death." He answered simply. "Kill yourself, and it's done. Miss Taylor can go back to her stepfather, Spectre Alenko will join our ranks and humanity will prevail!"

Kaidan struggled in the man's grip and felt the blade slowly cut his skin. "I'll never join you! Shepard!" Kaidan turned to him. "Don't worry about me! Kill him, go to the Council! You're right! This madness needs to be stopped!"

"Don't worry, Kaidan!" Shepard shouted. "We can do this together! Trust me!"

Kaidan looked at Shepard and the man pointed his gun away from Mira and slowly towards himself.

"No! Don't!" Kaidan shouted.

"Trust me! Use you gear!" Shepard then quickly pointed the gun away from himself and towards the console. He fired several times and one of the bullets hit what he was aiming for. The cargo port opened slowly and they could feel the pressure in the room changing. The cargo ramp was opened completely and now the air lock was sliding open slowly.

First, it was only a strong pull; all of them lost their hold and started being sucked towards the open ajar. It was only a small gap, only big enough to let a hand fit through, but it already felt like thousands of PS crushing them. Kaidan activated his magnetic boots and held himself to the ground while Lucian opened his eyes wide as he was pulled towards the gap. He flew across the room and bumped against the huge metal door. Then Kaidan looked over at Shepard.

He was holding on to a pipe near the console with Mira holding on to him. Kaidan quickly put on his helmet and it was a relief when he breathed in the oxygen. Everything in the cargo bay that wasn't riveted to the wall of floor flew in the direction of the air lock. It was loud and heavy. Kaidan looked over at Lucian and he saw, how his neck cracked in a strange angle and crushed by the crates flying towards him. The air lock was still opening and Kaidan knew, soon there won't be any air left in the room to breathe.

"Hold on, John!" Kaidan shouted. "I'm on my way!"

"Don't think of me! Close the air lock!" Shepard answered.

Kaidan stepped forward as fast as he could towards the console. It was only few meters, but fighting against the pull was hard for him. Shepard was holding onto the console as hard as he could. Although Mira wasn't heavy, it was a burden he couldn't carry long.

"Hold on!" Shepard said to her. He looked down at her and saw the blank panic in her eyes. Suddenly a rattle and a jolt sent both of them being sucked towards the wall and Mira screamed loudly. Shepard looked up at the pipe, it was cracked and the screws were pulling out from the wall. Shepard took a deep breath and then, the pipe broke.


	14. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13: There is no place like home**

Shepard could feel how he was sucked towards the opening gap and suddenly something grabbed him. He looked up and saw Kaidan reaching out his arm to held Shepard's. He immediately reached out his hand to grab Kaidan's arm. Shepard looked down and made sure, Mira was still hanging around his waist.

The biotic walked step after step with efforts towards the console, reaching out his hand to push the button as soon as he came in range. But the weight of two people hanging on him was too much. His magnetic boots failed a split second and all of them dropped back several stepped. Kaidan screamed, when his feet found the ground again.

"Kaidan!" Shepard shouted. "You don't have to do this! Let me go."

"No! We can do this!" He replied.

"Let go, Kaidan! Otherwise we'll all die!" Shepard shouted and Mira screamed.

"I can do this!" Kaidan shouted through his helmet. He struggled to walk with Shepard and Mira holding on to him. Every step was a new fight. "We're almost there!"

"Let me go!" Shepard said again and tried to let go of Kaidan.

"Don't you dare!" He took another step towards the console. "I swear I'll kill you, if you let go!"

"Kaidan, we'll all die, if you don't release me!"

"No! I'll never let you go again!" Kaidan shouted. "I can do this!"

The Sentinel was holding Shepard in the one hand, and with the other, he was reaching towards the console. It was only few meters, but getting there felt like the last battle of the war itself. He could feel the unnatural pain in his arm, like someone was ripping his arm off by naked strength.

"Kaidan! Let go!" Shepard shouted again. Shepard started to beg. "It's okay! I've already made my peace with death!"

"But I haven't!" his lover replied. "Please! John! Don't! Don't put me through this again! I just got you back!"

"Think of the mission! Go to the Citadel! Tell them about the Prometheans!"

"I don't care! You're back! I can't lose you again! Please, John. Hold on!" Kaidan begged and mustered all his strength.

"Okay, take Mira!" Shepard said. He looked down to the woman holding on to his waist. "Kaidan! Take her!"

Kaidan reached out his other hand to take Mira. The doctor crawled along Shepard's body and held the Specter's hand. She was so afraid, she couldn't say anything. "Ahhhhhh…" He screamed out of pain, when he took another a step forward. Now, he was in front of the console. He only had to reach out his hand, and hit the button. But in his left he had Mira holding on to him, and on his right, he had Shepard.

"Let me go, Kaidan!" Shepard said again.

Kaidan felt the twist in his heart when he saw Shepard, trying to open his grip. "Please, John!" He cried, but his lover couldn't see his tears. "Don't let go! I won't let this happen again! Don't leave me!"

"Someone has to make this sacrifice! Otherwise we will all die!"

"I can do this!" He tried to pull himself forward. He bit his teeth together and tried to smash the button with his head. He touched it a little bit, but it didn't move anything.

Mira looked at him so terrified she didn't even realize she was crying. She looked at Shepard trying to open Kaidan's hand to save them all. Then she looked up to Kaidan, who tried again to smash the button with his head.

Shepard looked at Mira and then Kaidan. "It's okay. Let me go. If I know you'll live when I die, I'd rather have it this way!"

"But I don't… …" Kaidan smashed at the console again. Every time he touched it, he lost a bit of his strength.

Mira screamed again, when Kaidan smashed the button. She looked up to Kaidan's loose grip around her hand and then to his tight grip around Shepard's hand. Her eyes wandered to the black whole in Shepard's chest and the end started to fit before her eyes.

She closed her eyes and whispered. "It should be me…" She was sure, nobody heard her, but Shepard still turned toward her.

"What are you doing?" Shepard said loudly.

"It should be me!" She opened her hand around Kaidan's wrist and in that moment, she felt how her body was sucked towards the air lock. She screamed loudly and so did Shepard. "Noooo!"

Kaidan felt the lack of weight in his hand and he reached out his arm to smash the button. This time, the mechanism was activated and the door closed quickly. A second later, he fell on the floor with Shepard. They watched how the gap of the cargo door closed and the body of Mira smashed against the metal.

Kaidan pulled down his helmet and tossed it in the corner. He crawled over to Shepard and held him tightly. He kissed his forehead and then his face. He placed his lips hard on Shepard's and kissed him on the lips. It didn't matter if he was covered in blood. He was just so happy, Shepard was still there.

"Slowly, Major!" Shepard pushed him back gently and gasped for air. He took some deep breaths and then touched Kaidan's face, too.

Kaidan smiled relieved and placed his lips on Shepard's temples. No words were needed for them to understand each other. For couple minutes, they just stayed there.

"We're on our way to the Citadel," Kaidan came into the Captain's cabin with coffee in his hand and sat at Shepard's feet. He found a quite depressed Shepard sitting on the bed, holding the Alliance uniform in his hand. The former Commander looked up to him, smiled sadly and took the coffee mug out of his hand.

He drank fast from it and started with a dry voice. "I've been thinking, if this is the right thing to do. I don't know if I'm ready to return."

Kaidan quickly sat at his side and put his hand on his shoulder. "What are you afraid of?" He said caring.

"I don't know." He looked away from Kaidan. "It had been so long, I even don't quite remember who I was."

"Nobody expect from you to be somebody else." Kaidan stroked his arm sensitively. "I don't expect you to be somebody else. You're always yourself, going after what you believe in and fight for it. That's why people loved you and still do."

Shepard nodded a little bit. "I have doubts…" He stopped like the words didn't want to be spoken out loud and Kaidan didn't urge him. And after a short break of silence, Shepard took a deep breath and started again. "Kaidan, I have doubts about this mission. What if what you said about Hackett was right? And I have doubts about the Alliance. It had changed; it's now more politics than the service… And I have doubts about us."

Kaidan didn't respond to what Shepard said but still silently stoking his arm. He didn't know what to say. Many unpleasant things happened between them and the wound they left behind could not just be easily eared or forgotten. He looked eventually up to Shepard to his wrinkled face. He leaned over to him and let his head rest on his. "We went through lots of things together; we can get over this, too. I'm sure of it."

"Can we?" Shepard answered dry.

"Isn't it at least worth a try?" Kaidan said and took the uniform out of Shepard's hand. "I know it can be heavy to put on this uniform. I had lost my trust in the Alliance, too, but then your actions showed me, who I'm really am, who we are. We are soldiers. Our lives are dedicated to the service and the protection of the galaxy, even when this path is a lonely road right now. But we will keep doing it, until our dying day."

"You still believe in the Alliance?" He said quietly.

Kaidan nodded. "I do. I have my time where I lost my faith in it, too. But that's when I was blinded by grief. I see things now clearer than ever." He took his head off Shepard's shoulder and turned to him. "Look at me, John. We are soldiers; we take damage in every battle we fight. But we stop to function as soldiers and we never stop carrying out our duties."

Shepard smiled when Kaidan finished it. "You're right, that stupid of me to forget that."

"An hey, Shepard." Kaidan said when the Commander stood up and about to go somewhere else. "I have to apologize; I was a fool. I should have listened to you in the first place." He looked up at him and said ashamed. "You were right… about everything… I should have trusted you."

"It's okay, Kaidan." Shepard leaned over to him and pad him on the should. "You always had your own mind. That's why you have a command and the Council trusts you. You're not a puppet."

Kaidan smiled. "We have to clean you up, John. For the council hearing."

"I guess we do…" He walked into the bathroom. He stopped in front of the mirror and looked deeply at his face. He had worn his hair in his face as a mask to hide behind, and now when he had to cut it, he felt strangely exposed. He didn't want to see his face again; the face of the hero. It felt like the man the galaxy had known wasn't him. It was a figure created during the war to keep up hope and morale, and the real Shepard had had died with him. What was left was only a scared shell. He saw in the mirror how Kaidan stepped behind him and he quickly closed his hoodie.

"Don't be ashamed, John." Kaidan held him from behind and kissed his shoulder. "You have nothing to hide. We are all old fighters, we all have scars. Wear them as you armor, wear them proudly."

"I guess you're right…" he answered quietly. Shepard took the hair clippers from the shelf and turned it on hesitating.

Kaidan took it from his hand gently and stroke his face. "Let me help you."

He went through Shepard's beard and hair gently. The brown fuzzy that felt to the floor, and with that, Shepard had the feeling, he was becoming his old person more and more. When Kaidan finished with him, Shepard looked in the mirror and almost did not recognizing the man in the reflection looking back at him. He hadn't seen himself for so long; he almost forgot what he looked like. The soft pink burning scar on his right face had healed a little, since he got back, but still covered most of his right cheek and neck. In the middle of his chest, at blood drawn-in patch covered up his latest wound, joining a line of endless other scars all over his bodies. Shepard was disgusted by his own sight, but Kaidan didn't care.

He stroked his face again and kissed him softly. Shepard let his man touch him and kiss him, first soft and tender, but soon, the kissed became shorter and faster. He opened his lips to let Kaidan's tongue touch his and slowly he sucked on Kaidan's lips. His raised his hand to grab Kaidan's neck and to hold him. They kissed then deeply in love and then Kaidan opened his uniform.

Shepard looked down at him and smiled. He wandered from Kaidan's lips to his neck and pushed him out of the bathroom to the desk. They pulled and pushed without taking their hand from each other, until they fell on the bed.

"There is no place like home…" Shepard said smiling and pulled Kaidan down to him.

They touched and kissed each other with passion and greed. Shepard was still longing for his man. Deep inside him, he'll never know if he would ever have enough of him. Kaidan sat astride on him and bent over him. He licked his lips, his neck, his ears and then over his chest. He kissed every one of his scars and worked slowly down to his center.

Just before he could open Shepard's pants, someone knocked on the captain's cabin door. The men sighed and stood up. While Kaidan walked for the door, Shepard took the Alliance uniform from the bed and put it on. It didn't fit perfectly, but it was okay. He smelled the scent of Kaidan on him and it warmed his heart. Although he had doubts about everything and the Alliance, he was surprised by the feeling of belonging and happiness, when put on a uniform again after seventeen years in the Alliance. When he looked himself in the mirror with the blue color, he really knew where his loyalty lies.

"John, are you ready?" Kaidan stood at the door and looked at him. "We just landed. Docking bay D-24."

Shepard had to laugh when he heard the number. "It still exists?"

"Not really, but they rebuilt it; it's also known as the Normandy Docking bay." Kaidan said smiling.

"Okay, then, let's go." Shepard said.

Shepard stood before the huge iron doors to the Council Chambers and took a nervous breath. Hackett and Miranda had already entered the room and the hearing already started half an hour ago. Shepard could see the vid on the screen next to him and he tried not to pay attention, when Hackett presented the sample files on the experiments on him. Files even he had never seen before.

Sometimes he had lied on a bed, naked and half a dozen doctors stood around him, injecting things into him, other times the doctors were cutting him open and extracting tissue from his organs. He had memories of the pain he had felt when he saw the vids. It looked more harmless than the feeling he had. Shepard looked away and pressed his teeth together. The wrath and call for revenge grew in him, he had the urgent need to go into that room, drag the Councilor from his seat and beat the crap out of him. And suddenly, he felt the sensual touch of Kaidan on his hand. He stepped onto his side and took his hand.

"I'm at your side." He whispered. "and behind you."

Shepard looked at him and smiled. The fury inside him cleared and he leaned over to give Kaidan a gentle kiss. Then the door opened before him. Shepard looked at Kaidan again who nodded at him slowly, and then he stepped into the Council Chamber, up the stairs and towards the pinnacle of power in this galaxy.

A loud whispering went through the watching crowd and Shepard could see the cold sweat in Russo's face. He heard the Admiral announcing him and he stepped between him and Miranda with pride. The other Councilors opened their eyes wide and leaned forward to see him closer.

"Commander Shepard!" The Salarian Councilor Dalatress said surprised. "So it is true, what Admiral Hackett is saying."

Shepard nodded. "Roberto Russo and the other members of the Prometheans are not only a threat to humanity, it is also a threat to the galaxy. That army," He pointed to the plans of the project showing on the console next to him. "That is not only a threat to the peace we fought for, it is also the way to damnation."

The Councilor Russo leaned forward and shouted almost. "That's not true. The army is only a protection force to ensure the peace. It's the final solution to secure the safety in this galaxy."

Shepard let him finish and said then with his clear voice. "I came forward with another message than the accusation of this crime." His voice was clear and driven.

"What is this?" The Asari Councilor asked curiously.

"Three years ago, when I was on the catalyst, I was told the revelation of the Reapers." He said.

"A revelation?" The Asari matriarch said surprised.

"Yes, the catalyst told me the truth. Our galaxy and all life in it are much older than we thought. If one group of people tried to find a solution for the entire galaxy, the results would be the Reapers. They were created in order to keep the balance and as a solution to the chaos. Although we destroyed the Reapers, the world would not stay peaceful long. Soon we are going to create new synthetic life and the chaos will start again. That army is the first step into the chaos. There is no synthetic life form without question about its origin and purpose. There is no true AI with unbreakable shackles." Shepard stopped and looked around. The silence in the chamber was so complete, he thought he could hear a needle falling to the ground. "And I survived in order to bring this message. The warning must not be ignored."

The representatives of the other three council races remained silence and looked at each other. Then the Asari started. "The evidences are severe, the involvement of the Councilor Russo in this matter cannot be denied. We'll strip Roberto Russo his Council position and turn him over to the human justice for further judgment. The human government shall provide another candidate of this position in four weeks." She turned now directly to Shepard. "Commander Shepard, we thank you for your warnings and it is our honor to invite you to rejoin the lines of Council Spectres."

"Thank you." Shepard said strong.

When he finished, three C-Sec officers walked behind Russo and took him into captivity. The old man didn't resist but smiling mockingly. "My work is down, Commander!" He said while he was brought away. "The world had been changed. Doors once opened, can never be shut again!"

"The Council Hearing is dismissed." The Asari Councilor said quickly and people started walking out.

Shepard looked at Kaidan standing now on the visitors' balcony nodding down to him acknowledged. He smiled and then nodded himself. He had accomplished his mission, his last ride before finally returning home.


	15. Epilogue

**Epilogue: Furlough**

Both men felt exhausted on the Kaidan's bed in his house at the English Bay and breathed loud. Since they had come back to Earth, they spend most of their time with catching up the lost years with as much physical contact as possible. They lay next to each other with their sweaty bodies and looked up at the ceiling. Kaidan then places his head on Shepard's chest and listening to his heartbeat after the Commander dried himself with a towel. He wished, he could have this moment go on forever and they never have to leave this room again. Shepard was running his fingers through his hair and Kaidan could feel his hot breath on his forehead.

He stroke over Shepard's chest and touched his fresh wound. There weren't that much conversation in the last two days, most of the time they spent silently. He had the feeling they had many things to tell, but in their hunger for comfort, he knew better not to start talking. He had many questions, about the catalyst, about the revelation on the Citadel and how he managed to destroy the Reapers. He had questions about his lock down, his escape and what exactly happened in the last few years. But he told himself again not to interrupt this serenity. This moment only belonged to the intimacy. But there was something on his mind, he wanted to know.

"Hey, John," Kaidan started.

"Ehm?"

"Have you ever considered marriage?" Kaidan asked carefully.

"No." He replied fast. "I don't believe in such thing as marriage."

"Oh…" Kaidan responded.

"Why are you asking?" Shepard pressed a small kiss on his head.

"Just wondering…" Kaidan blushed a little bit. Then he looked up to him. "Would you say yes, if I ask?"

Shepard smiled. "Is that a proposal?"

Kaidan said nothing and turned redder. Then his lover kissed him again, he could feel the honesty in his kiss and his gratitude on his lips.

"John Alenko…" Shepard smiled. "It sounds nice. I like that, a lot." He stroke Kaidan's arm and pushed him over and rolled on him. Then he started caress his neck. Kaidan knew then, no matter what happens, married or not, he'll love this man forever.


End file.
